Archive: February, 2007

Citing the harsh, offensive nature of the word “alien” and hoping that the state’s uninvited but financially supported non-taxpaying houseguests illegally vote for her feel more at home, Florida State Senator Frederica Wilson prostituted herself introduced legislation early this week that would remove the term “illegal alien” from official state documents. Said Senator Wilson(probably):

Alien is such an ugly term. These are people, not monsters from outer space in their spaceships with saucer eyes and  long fingers and all that icky stuff. My ten cent an hour lawn mower Eduardo is just the nicest man…

Previously, Senator Wilson was known for her work on a variety of critical issues, such as state suits against Tampon companies whose use of the term “extra large” alienated women with wideset vaginas.  And in late 2001, when most state senators were debating closing flight schools to Muslim students in the wake of 9/11, Miss Wilson took the opportunity to chastise the Embry Riddle Aeronautical School for the inferior quality toilet paper and rough paper towels that discriminated against people with OCD and Crohn’s Disease.

Surprisingly, the general public has shown extreme indifference regarding this landmark legislation. Noted Miami resident Clevis Marshall:

They call ‘em Ay-lee-uhns?  Theys ain’t know ay-lee-uns.  Theys wetbacks.  Heck, I’ll call ‘em whatever they want if I can get my job back from ‘em at the spray paint factory.

Actual Info- Here

Disclaimer

 ”Wanna see my gimp mask?” “Yes.”

BBC News released a transcript between Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez and Cuban leader Fidel Castro. They claimed it was edited for brevity but what we heard, we “edited” for hilarity:

Chavez: Let’s see who is calling from Havana, bring me some whip cream please.

Castro: Hello. Hello. Do you hear me?

Chavez: Fidel?

Castro: The one and only. First time caller, long time listener.

Chavez: So what are your queries?

Castro: I have to admit, I have a bit of a fetish.

Chavez: Oh? Let me tell you mine first?

Castro: Ok.

Chavez: I have had the biggest crush on you for the longest. Even before the army fatigues.

Castro: Do you like the new jumpsuit?

Chavez: I LOVE the new jumpsuit!

Castro: Does it make you hot?

Chavez: (Inaudible moans)

Castro: I thought so. How bad is America?

Chavez: Very bad! So bad!

Castro: Now you’re making me all hot. (whip sound)

Actual convo from here: BBC

Disclaimer

“You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that fin up!”

Due to fire damage, Japan’s main Whaling ship had to return to port, ending its annual hunt. The crew aboard the Nisshin Maru were quite dissapointed to end their whaling expedition. What do you plan to do with these fat girls? Takahide Naruko of the fisheries agency said:

This is the first time in 20 years that we have had to cancel our research, we are very disappointed.

The agency had already bagged over 500 whales. What kind of research do you find in bagging fat chicks? Despite a 1986 ban on commercial whaling, Japan found a clause saying its hunt is for research. A Greenpeacer had this to say:

We now need to ensure that the whaling fleet never comes back. It’s time for the Japanese government to hang up its harpoons.

No one should be whaling, even if you are bringing “her” back for “research.

Actual info from: GUARDIAN!

“See how shiny your toys look when they are taken care of?”

In a move that could set back their expected space launch, NASA left a fuel tank outside only to let it suffer damage from an isolated hail storm. The external fuel tank was discovered to have multiple dents and dings all over its external foam top. As to why the tank was left out two weeks before launch and left outside is beyond anyone’s guess. Remember when your mom told you to put your bike in the garage or in the house because it was about to rain and you didn’t listen? Then you would have a get a new chain for $50. This is almost the same thing, except with a price increase of $349,999,950. What did NASA have to say for itself? NASA shuttle program manager, Wayne Hale, said:

There might be some small effect to a couple of the later flights, but by the time we roll around to the end of the year, I expect we would be fully able to catch up.

And what is NASA’s punishment, grounded for a month. Now go to your hanger Wayne and think about what you’ve done!

Actual info from: here

The Queen of Bad Fake Accents has decided that she wont be letting her daughter date until the age of 18. As of right now, Madonna’s daughter Lourdes is just 10 years old. And let me be the first to acknowledge that shes not a hot 10-year-old. Exactly what is Madge worrying about? Like if she was walking around in mommy’s push-up cone bra singing “Like a Virgin,” then there might be something to worry about. But if she’s anything like her mother, that wont happen for another year or so. Though it seems the Material Girl keeps her kids on a tight leash anyway:

[Lourdes] doesnt have it easy. Late night TV, junk food and mess are not tolerated in my house…my daughter has a problem picking things up in her room, so if you leave your clothes on the floor, they’re gone when you come home.

Thanks Madonna. Always a good lesson in parenting. Though maybe she doesnt realize that not everyone has millions of dollars to spend on new clothes for their kids everyday. Evidently they dont teach realism in Kabbalah class. And as for Lourdes, Madonna should loosen the grip a little. She was a raging rebel-slut back in the day and look where it got her. Yeah, not too shabby.

Actual Information from: MSNBC

Apparently upset about the health content of McDonald’s food and its effect on the English populace, Prince Charles, while touring the Imperial College Diabetes Center in Abu Dhabi, asked a nutritionist:

“Have you got anywhere with McDonald’s, have you tried getting it banned? That’s the key.”

While Mcdonald’s is unquestionably unhealthy and of poor quality, global foreign policy experts suggest that this might be a reaction borne of resentment for the Americanization of British pop culture. Despite the feelings of the crown, millions of Brits eat at McDonald’s every day, as its low grade beef and sodium laden fries are far superior to the best bland, overtly disgusting catalogue of madcow meatcakes and assorted broiled shit that is fine British cuisine.

Actual info- Here

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“A heavy load has a burden.”

Someone lost their load early as Dick Cheney came into Afhganistan. A suicide bomber lost his load hard and fast as he tried to take out the base where Cheney was staying. The load covered 18 people. Cheney escaped the blast. Dick and Afghani President Hamid have been coming together for the past few days. A Taliban spokesperson, Qari Yousef Ahmadi, had this to say:

 ”We knew that Dick (Cheney) would be staying inside…”

The bombers underestimated how far inside Cheney would be.

Actual info from here