Archive: February, 2007

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“I’ll lower your cholesterol!”

A recent study found that garlic doesn’t lower “bad” cholesterol when eaten raw or in a supplement form. Christopher Gardner of Stanford Prevention Research Centre had this to say:

It just doesn’t work. There’s no short cut. You achieve good health by eating healthy food. “There isn’t a pill or a herb you can take to counteract an unhealthy diet.

After the news was announced, cheers and jeers were heard from the shadows. The Vampire community had suffered great losses when news was released that garlic would lower bad cholesterol. Count Chocula, who was born with a rare allergy to blood, had this to say:

I’ve watched my people suffer. I’m happy I got to see this day. This epidemic didn’t bother me but it almost ruined my people.

Actual info from: here

It’s been almost four years since the US checked into Iraq for some ass kicking and after getting their stuff together, Iraq is ready to start dishing out the oil. A draft law was approved to start a nationwide distribution of oil. The three top bidders are the US, China, and Russia. Even if the corrupt Iraqi officials do this properly, what does this mean to the common man? We asked a political analyst who flat out said:

I know what you’re thinking. Your gas prices aren’t going down! Even if the US gets a major amount of the oil distribution, oil companies are still going to rape you with high prices.

There is no end in site. The solution, corn oil powered cars! Teach your gas company a lesson when you’re filling up your car with cooking oil, then frying up delicious tater tots afterwards.

Actual info from here: here

Recent claims by Hollywood Superdirector James Cameron that he has found the tomb of Jesus Christ and the Holy Family that he fathered before his ascension into Heaven are sending shockwaves throughout the Christian world. However, the news might not be as terrible as originally suggested. Notes the Evening Standard:

Crucially, he is not denying the resurrection - as there were no bones in the caskets.

While this might seem reasonable for most of the Christian world who believe that Christ ascended into heaven sexually untarnished and without heir, the claim that Jesus left behind a child before ascending into Heaven(considered blasphemous) has been…life affirming for some. Former Yankee pitcher and famed Born Again Christian Randy Johnson commented:

For years I felt pretty crappy about being a deadbeat dad, completely estranged from my teenage daughter who I left living in squalor in some Godforsaken midwestern town. Now I know I was just doing the Lord’s work.

Added another local man:

I always knew I was a good Christian. When I left behind, Lafonda, Kaneesha, Lexus, Ferarri, and Indonesia with my total of 8 kids I knew deep in my soul I was only doin the best I could to raise them in a good Christian environment. Word. What would Jesus Do…and shit.

Actual Info

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“Salmonella’s latest cd: The Upchuck.”

Since signing a deal with Bad Peanut Butter in 2006, Salmonella is going back on tour! Their last tour was in 1998 where it hosted 100 people in seven different states. Ever since the outbreak of Bad Peanut Butter, Salmonella has hosted over 300 people, making it a huge success in the US. Salmonella is originally from Animal Feces, that brown stuff your cow or dog leaves when they are done defecating. An Alabama Cooperative Extension regional agent, Patti West said:

The peanut butter problems are unusual. Salmonella just doesn’t do well in high-fat, low-moisture foods. In fact, there have been several recent - and large - outbreaks of salmonella associated high-fat, reduced water foods such as peanut butter. Based on the findings of one study, published in the Journal of Food Protection in November 2006, researchers speculated that the unique makeup of peanut butter - fat mixed with minimal amounts of water - can provide the adequate conditions for three different salmonella to survive, even despite the intense blasts of heat associated with pasteurization.

Most people were hesitant that Salmonella could actually work with Bad Peanut Butter, due to their creative differences. But with more and more people getting sick, this has proven to be a successful tour. The bacteria’s roadie had this to say:

They are hitting harder than ever. People are falling to their knees for Salmonella.

So check back frequently for tour dates and info on the Salmonella Tour, appropriately called, Praying to the Porcelain Goddess. Coming to a jar near you!

Actual info from: hizzere

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“Serbia, Monte Negro, and Bosnia: BFF!!”

The International Court of Justice (ICJ) released that Serbia was not responsible for the genocide that took place between 1992-1995 war in Bosnia-Herzegovina. It was, however, found guilty in not preventing genocide. This is the equivalent to third-degree genocide or genocide by negligence. The court ruled:

The case is not one in which an order for payment of compensation, or …a direction to provide assurances and guarantees of non-repetition, would be appropriate.

Since you can’t put a price on the 8,000 lives taken during this genocide, the court ruled that Ratko Mladic, commander of Radovan Karadzic’s military, be brought to trial. Serbia replied with:

Nah, we have it under control.

Thus making this whole trial worthless and a big waste of time. It also showed the amount of power the ICJ has, which is none.

Actual info from: these guys, again

“This is my happy face.”

Dick Cheney has been one busy bee. First he pulled into Pakistan where he told Gen. Pervez Musharraf to get his shit in order because Al-Qaida is re-grouping in Pakistan’s border. To which Musharraf replied:

Next time tell me. I couldn’t even feel you coming.

Now he is Afghanistan, meeting up with Hamid Karzai. As to what they will be discussing, neither the American or Afghani government have commented on. Could they be discussing the break up between Iran and the UN? Or how Iran has been spending a lot of time with N. Korea? Maybe even a sleep over party with Bush, Cheney, Karzai, and a friend of his choice. This information won’t be released till after Dick pulls out of Afghanistan. Either way, OverAdulthood managed to get Dick’s itinerary:

9am - Get ready and enjoy sacrificial child.

10am - Sharpen horns.

11am - Meet with Hami, bring protection.

Noon - Have heart restarted.

1pm - Write about my day and my disdain for my lesbian daughter.

2pm - Have heart restarted, again.

3pm - Nap in coffin.

Seems ordinary enough.

Actual info from here: here

So it seems The Donald has filed paperwork to build a wedding chapel on his 525-acre golf course in Bedminster, NJ, only to one day turn it into a mausoleum for him and his family. Creepy? Extremely. But I think the question on everyone’s mind is, WHY? First off, as a New York native (and a human), why would you want to be buried in Jersey? Second, why would you even bother making it a chapel first? The Donald has not commented on the situation thus far, but his hair did, stating:

New York is where you go to live; New Jersey is where you go to die. Simple as that.

Point taken.

Actual info from: MSNBC