February 23rd, 2007
“Gather ’round the “good” stuff.”
There’s Fast Food, Then There’s a KFC/Taco Bell in NYC that was recently hit with a barrage of health code violations but what made it worse was the video that was released of multiple rats scurrying about. A written statement was released from the franchise:
This is completely unacceptable and is an absolute violation of our high standards. We’ve talked with the franchisee, who is actively addressing this issue, as is evident by the preventative construction in the basement yesterday that temporarily escalated the situation.
Some suspected the rats were from some other chain as some witnesses reported the rats chanting Do What Tastes Right. Either way, you could Have it your way and not go there. Ronald McDonald, spokesman for McDonalds, was quick to release this scathing comment:
I’m lovin’ it
Most of the other chains kept their opinions silent, except for Jared the Subway guy, who was quick to offer helpful advice. When asked what to do with rodent infestation, he said:
More meat?
Actual information from CNN
February 23rd, 2007
“Maybe next year Etch, when you come out in Blue.”
It was recently released that PS3 is now ranked 3 among gaming consoles. However during the month of January, Sony raked in $550 million dollars for their new console plus other Sony systems. But is Sony happy with selling only 500 consoles and a couple PSPs? Director of corporate communications, David Karraker, had this to say,
We are pleased with the numbers from January as they demonstrate overall sales improvements for our legacy systems year over year and continued momentum for PS3
If Sony is just pleased, what about the director of corporate communications for Nintendo Wii? He wasn’t available for comment but his answering machine did leave this bizarre away message:
I’m currently away from my desk buying gold toilets and creating toilet paper with fresh American $100 bills, please leave a message and I will get back to you.
Actual information from these nerds
February 22nd, 2007
An unidentified Colombian superhero burst into a Cucuta Circo Del Sol event (Espanoli for “carnie cult gathering”) and heroically gunned down two clowns who were probably up to no good. As one observer noted:
“they were grown men, covered in makeup, and they were just way too jovial. I mean, come on, this is Colombia. Kidnappings, cocaine, and communist guerrillas…what the fuck is funny about that?!”
These were obviously dangerous men deeply under the influence of psychedelic substances, and we’ve already got enough of those on our hands.
Local police arrested the unidentified shooter, presumably to protect him from the large network of nomadic militias commonly known as “circusfolk” that operate internationally.
“We want to take every measure to ensure the safety of the shooter, particularly until we find out more about this Circo Del Sol. We just don’t know what those creepy sons of (bearded)bitches are capable of.”
Actual information from: Word on the street
February 22nd, 2007
“You want the nukes? You can’t handle the nukes?!”
After what seemed like potential for a great relationship, Iran and UN went on a break. Sources says:
“The young couple are at different points in their lives.”
UN just adopted a new representative, Ban Ki Moon. With a new representative in her life, UN didn’t have time for Iran and his attention seeking ways. But nobody blames UN, she tried to help Iran when he started using uranium enrichment. Everyone was concerned but Iran didn’t want to hear it and started ignoring UN’s phone calls. Even Ban Ki was “deeply concerned” and said that:
“The Iranian government should fully comply with the Security Council as soon as possible and engage in continued negotiations with the international community so that we will be able to address and peacefully resolve this issue”
Kids says the darnedest things, especially in a torrid relationship. Even though Iran has claimed his uranium enrichment program is solely a “weekend thing and not for nuclear bombs,” UN doesn’t believe him and stills tries to make things right. Ahh young love.
Actual news from here
February 22nd, 2007
“What do you mean, he’s already dead? Bugger!”
In a bold move that could only be categorized as stupid, Prince Harry has decided to join the war in Iraq. The young prince will be sent to Iraq to be babysat by his regiment should he be kidnapped. Maybe Tony Blair said:
“If this wanker gets killed, it’ll be the end of me!”
Harry is the second member of royalty to go to war. Prince Andrew (Duke of York) was a helicopter pilot during the Falklands War (islands where British people go to work on their tans).
February 21st, 2007
A Wisconsin man responded to what he mistakenly thought was a rape with by bursting into his neighbor’s apartment while brandishing a Cavalry Sword. After recognizing his neighbor and shouting “hark, who goes there?!” James Iveren of Bumblefuck, Wisconsin was lead around the apartment only to find that there was in fact no damsel in distress and no need for his chivalrous ways. Before he could retire back to his apartment(“The Fortress of Solitude”) to play a rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons, local police charged Mr. Van Iveren with criminal trespass, criminal damage, and disorderly conduct, all while brandishing a deadly weapon. Overadulthood charges him with being 39 and living at home, and probably molesting some manner of farm animal. Probably.
Actual Information from Chicago News
February 20th, 2007
“Removes Ice? Get outta here!”
Jet Blue recently announced that it would cost around $30 million to reimburse customers for the multiple cancellations it had during last week’s ice storm. The only thing that got through the ice was Jet Blue’s stocks as it plummeted sharply. Jet Blue CEO David Neeleman said:
“We had a weakness in our system”
While other airlines found ways to get around the delays, Jet Blue was caught in the storm (pun favorably intended). When asked about the thousands of stranded passengers, a rich man was quoted as saying:
“Ha ha ha ha”
Jet Blue plans to refund its customers and invest in preventative methods against future ice storms. Perhaps, salt?
Actual quotes from:CNN
