March 30th, 2007
I don’t have a degree in ebonics, or hebronics, or any other goofball dialects, but I think that’s how you make a double contraction. I have an English degree, but it’s about as useful as a used douchebag. Anywho, it seems like ‘dis be the year when every player on an NFL active roster is trying to get his Longest Yard on. The latest is Lionel Gates.
A Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ running back was arrested early this morning after kicking a pregnant woman’s door in, destroying her property, hitting her in the face and pushing her into a wall after arguing about whether he is the father of the woman’s unborn child, according to an arrest report filed by the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office. Lionel Theron Gates, 25, was charged with assault on a pregnant woman, burglary of an occupied dwelling, and criminal mischief of $1,000 or more – all felonies. Deputies say Gates broke into the woman’s apartment 11:30 p.m. Thursday. Gates, a running back, was signed to the Bucs’ practice squad in December. He was arrested at 12:50 a.m. at 6203 Savannah Breeze Court in Tampa, according to jail records. An arrest affidavit filed by deputies lists that complex as his home address as well.
According to my count, fifty percent of NFL players have been arrested in the last year. Meanwhile, I did some fact checking and this guy got like a three year, one million dollar rookie contract. If I had a three year, million dollar contract I’d be hiring someone to smack my bitches up for me. I’m poor, so I usually resort to second hand chloroform. It’s a bit less clumsy than my pimp ring, and it doesn’t have my initials on it.
Lionel be smackin up bitches hurrrrrrr!
March 30th, 2007
“Lil Wayne feels ya!”
John Edwards decision to continue to run for president even though his wife has stage IV cancer sparked a lot of debate but Elizabeth Edwards is on her own mission. On a tour with her book, Saving Graces, Elizabeth Edwards is showing cancer she isn’t going to take this laying down, unless its an MRI (which she doesn’t mind laying down for). A breast doctor, Daniel F. Hayes, had this to say:
From our standpoint, we spend a lot of time trying to make it clear that while cancer — especially metastatic breast cancer — won’t just go away, you can still live a long and productive life with it.
Saving Graces is a great title for Edwards’ situation. She is happy for her graces. Another author is also fond of graces. As written by Little Wayne:
I get head in the strangest places
Two at da same time, call it changin’ faces
I tell the bitch we ain’t tradin places, So stand back and catch
my amazing graces
Almost the same kind of graces. Maybe not.
Hmm who is that fellow with the goat legs and: horns?
March 30th, 2007
“The CEO during a shrimp cocktail party, it never liked small seafood.”
When the scallop fishery off of North Carolina closed its doors in 2004, it was a nail in the coffin indicating they had lost to cownose rays. The cownose rays had a good decade with a population explosion of 10 fold. This, of course, was all attributed to the decline of the CEO of Marine Life. However, with an alarming effect on the food chain, the CEO must no longer be hunted for its delicate fins but rather left to thrive in its aquatic jungle. Business experts or Scientists, as the people call them had this to say:
There are interdependencies among the species, and when you cause these imbalances, you’re going to get some effect elsewhere. For many decades, it was thought this type of cascade effect was possible only in simplified systems like ponds, so seeing this occur in the marine system is alarming. It means we’re modifying the way energy is flowing through these systems.
So as the CEO of Marine Life is reinstated and left to what it knows best, the next time you’re at the beach, be aware. Because the shark is coming back.
I don’t know how to swim: anyway
March 29th, 2007
Back in the day when the United States and Britain used to have their little quibbles, they used to draw cartoons of Uncle Sam tugging the British Lion’s tail. I remember this because looking at the cartoons was about the only thing cool about history class. Anyway, it appears the British Lion has been replaced by the mange ridden alleycat(pictured above riding the Prime Minister’s head), while the tugging Uncle Sam has been replaced by a rectally administered Iranian firecracker. Here’s Britain’s tough response to Iran holding its troops hostage:
Britain took its case to free its 15 sailors and marines held by Iran to the United Nations on Thursday, asking the Security Council to support a statement that would “deplore” Tehran’s action and demand their immediate release. But Security Council diplomats said the brief press statement circulated by Britain’s U.N. Mission is likely to face problems from Russia and others because it says the Britons were “operating in Iraqi waters”—a point that Iran contests.
The British move came as Iran rolled back on its promise to release the sole female British sailor among the captives, who were seized last week. The Iranian military chief, Gen. Ali Reza Afshar, said that because of the “wrong behavior” of the British government, “the release of a female British soldier has been suspended,” the semiofficial Iranian news agency Mehr reported.
DEMAND RELEASE…or else? More yelling I suppose? I don’t think verbal condemnation will work, and I can see Ahmadinejad taunting Tony Blair via videoconference with an iPod in his ear, listening to “buddha-buddha-derka-derka” music, or, maybe he just goes for the straight up “I can’t hear you nanananana” and sticks his tongue out. And maybe the guy from Angola or some other third world UN representative snickers out loud and his funny hat falls off and everyone else laughs too.
Ten million Brits are probably furious about Tony Blair’s wideset vagina after reading….this
March 29th, 2007
“This is what he faces in jail!”
A Swiss man will be imprisoned for 10 years for defacing a poster of the King of Thailand. Oliver Jufer, 57, got hammered (drunk), and decided it would be funny to deface a poster of King Bhumibol Adulyadej. Judge Phitsanu Tanbukalee (probably the Thai version of Judge Mathis) had this to say:
This is a serious crime, and he was sentenced to four years for each of five counts, for a total of 20 years. Because he confessed, the court has reduced his sentence to 10 years.
If you live in a country for 10 years, the rules should be pretty obvious. What has Switzerland decided to do about it? Oh yeah, Nothing. This guy’s only hope is a pardon from the King.
I didn’t even chew gum in: Thailand
March 29th, 2007
“they spinnin…”
The Tuskegee Airmen (group of black pilots from WW2) will be receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor. Over 130 people have ever received the honor since 1776. Those honored include George Washington, Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, etc. Noel Harris, former Tuskegee, had this to say:
Today, recognizing that America said, ‘Thank you,’ to the black pilots to me is hard to put into words. To be recognized by America is more than I could have dreamed of.
300 Airmen will be on hand as the award will be presented to at US Capitol Rotunda. So that will make it 301 (Rosa Parks included) black people honored with the Congressional Medal of Honor. They might as well call those honored the NBA. Robert Griffin, 77, mechanic who later became a navigator had this to say:
This makes up for some of the past shortcoming of our society in this country in the ’40s, the ’30s and times before that, all the way back to slavery.
So does an apology, but we haven’t come that far.
Reflect on that with your: coffe con leche
