Archive: March, 2007

Disclaimer

“Put down the flour and get in the bus!”

Rabbi Aaron Winternitz is one creative Jew. He turned an old school bus into an oven where he has been baking matzo for Jews. The situation got a little sticky when police responded to a call of smoke only to discover the makeshift oven. Police said:

All the seats had been removed and the whole inside was an oven.

A giant oven made for Jews to eat matzo. Experts say:

Up 10 people could fit in there at a time, any sort of people, even Jewish people. That’s the scariest part.

Who is this Aaron Winternitz? Are we sure it isn’t Aaron Winterschniezer?? Son of a Nazi? More on this story later on.. probably never.

I get my dellusion from the: das boot

“Just give me a second to relax…”

After the release of the Wii in the UK, supplies have been running low on Nintendo’s part. Well Nintendo has drank it all up and decided that it will now release a “steady stream” all over the UK. In an actual statement by the freaks at Nintendo:

(We’ll) maximise all resources for a repaid replenishment program to consistently pump Wii consoles into the supply pipeline.

So get ready United Kingdom to get a nice splash of Wiis all over your landscape. Once Nintendo gets going, this will get messy.

I feel so: dirty

Disclaimer

“Who did I vote for?” “Like I’m telling you…”

Election time is usually a bitch because you have to go to your local polling place, stand on line, and then vote. Then you have to wait days until you find out who will be your next president. In the Democratic Republic of Congo, voting has a little more of a bang. One hundred people were recently killed in the DRC ‘s capital Kinshasa. The uproar comes after the defeat of Jean-Pierre Bemba in the presidential elections. Talk about sore losers. An official at the Mama Yemo Hospital had this to say:

We have more than 90 (bodies). They were coming in all night. Many of them are unidentified. We are in the process of sorting through.

So after you’re done voting and you’re walking back to your car, be happy you’re not being massacred after pulling that lever.

I thought the Congo only existed in the: movies

Disclaimer

“Wasn’t crack also dealt to you by the comfort of your own car?”

Walgreen has recently reported that during its second quarter it had made a 25% increase in sales due to its retail prescription business. Going from 51 cents a share to 65 cents a share, Walgreen is planning to open up 500 more stores before the end of the year. A local pharmacist at Walgreen had this to say:

What chu need? I got adderall, oxy, vics, viagra! I’m makin’ cake when these crackers need they Tussin at 3am.

I’d be angry but when you can get adderall and twizzlers at a low price at 5am, it’s just easier to be happy your drug dealer is behind the counter instead of behind some alley.

Yes I have my Savings: Card

Royal rock superstar Prince Harry  got himself all sauced up for the world to see in a hilarious display of awesomeness that could only be described as…a hilarious display of awesomeness. According to the British press, while both British royals(read- high class welfare queens) like to get their drink on, they behave quite differently while crunk:

Wills, 24, becomes an affable drunk, happy to dance with strangers and unconcerned at their tendency to take pictures of him with their mobile phones. Harry, 22, turns into Prince Pugnacious – ever ready to take a swing at the paparazzi who have an unfortunate knack of catching him at his most undignified. His latest clash with the cameramen happened in the early hours of Saturday as he emerged from his regular haunt, the London nightclub Boujis. Instead of heading straight to his chauffeur- driven Range Rover, he swore and lunged at a photographer before losing his balance and tumbling into the gutter. Before his latest fall from grace, Harry had been downing Crack Baby cocktails – a heady mix of vodka, passion fruit, raspberry liqueur and champagne – with his friend and budding TV presenter Natalie Pinkham. Delivered in a test tube, the Crack Baby is designed to be ‘downed in one’ and costs £8 a time.

Anyone love this guy as much as I do? As his older brother begins to look more and more like a horse, I think he’s really coming into his own. Call me crazy, but I think he’s got Henry VIII written all over him. What the world needs now is love sweet love? Forget that, what the world needs now is for Prince Horseface to kick the bucket and let Britain return a belligerent, raunchy monarch to the throne. His reign would consist of womanizing, drinking, and making syphillis influenced decisions to blow up brown people or establish a Church based on alcohol and oxycontin. Rock!

Prince Hooligan hangs out here

“Good Times.”

John Edwards continues to run for President as his wife deals with stage IV breast cancer. A little knowledge, stage IV isn’t curable only treated. Does this make him an asshole? Does this mean his wife is willing to let him follow in his dreams while she suffers? To quote John Edwards:

The campaign goes, the campaign goes on strongly. We have no intention of cowering in the corner.

Could John use this as an excuse to gain the pity vote? Yes. It’s hard to tell whether or not this is a selfish motive or whether his wife is fully supporting him despite her illness. John Edwards has strong support from anti-war demonstrators and blue collar workers but is still in third place behind the woman and the 1/2 black guy. Even if Elizabeth Edwards says she supports her husband, how do you not know whether she is lying or not. This is such a personal issue and it makes me mad how it has become part of his campaign when it should only be part of their family.

What do you think?

According to every major news outlet and their respective mothers, the looney-tune Iranian government has captured 15 British soldiers at gunpoint in Iraqi waters, and the Britain is not so politely demanding those limeys be returned to sender.

They were taking part in a routine operation boarding merchant ships when they were taken captive by Iranian naval vessels.

The sailors and Marines had completed a successful inspection of one ship, when the group and their two boats were surrounded.

They were then escorted by Iranian vessels into its territorial waters.

I’m pretty sure Dick Cheney has got to be to blame for this. I’m not sure how, but Dick Cheney’s involvement in shadowy events is usually a given. In any event, I’m sure there’s some British Admiral that resembles Cap’n Crunch right now, chewing on his pipe and harrumphing, and Tony Blair is probably looking around for Sean Connery’s number, because in my experience, he’s the guy who you call when shit like this goes down.

The long version