Archive: April, 2007

Are you Coach Kriz-a-Wisky…? “Yesss I am!”

An Afghani man who shares similarly ugly features to Most Wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden has been arrested twice by confused authorities. According to ABC:

Over six feet tall and with the same angular nose as bin Laden, Sher Akbar comes from an Afghan village, Bagh e Metal, in an area where U.S. officials believe bin Laden has been hiding.

So he’s hiding in Bag O’ Metal, eh? It sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings, in which case we should probably send those creepy ring chasing skeleton guys to go looking for him. Those guys will stop at nothing. This one time I bought the last Cherry Flavored Ring Pop, and those fuckers chased me around for days. If that doesn’t work, we should just bag this guy and say “close enough.”

Bin Laden is breathing as heavily as Elvis these days…

The Prince(above), in camo, angrily pursuing that Jungleman who stole his Beefeater

It appears that Prince Harry(the cool one) is off to Iraq:

The head of the British army said Monday that he had personally decided that Prince Harry, the third in line to the throne, will serve with a combat unit in Iraq. Gen. Sir Richard Dannatt said the decision would be kept under review, but he hoped his statement would end media speculation on Harry’s deployment.

“The decision has been taken by myself that he will deploy in due course,” Dannatt said. “I would urge that the somewhat frenzied media activity surrounding this particular story should cease in the interests of the overall security of all our people deployed in Iraq.”

He spoke after newspaper reports cited unidentified senior military officials as saying an army review was likely to lead to Harry being banned from the battlefield, although he could still do a desk job.

I think this is rad. Where’s Prince Horseface on this one? I have to laugh about the concern here, because people are treating this as if the Prime Minister himself is strapping rounds to his middle aged torso and going Rambo. This is a British Royal, whose responsibilities include not embarrassing his family and acting dignified. When one ascends to the British throne they become nothing more than Ruler of Welfare Queens. They get paid and gifted salary and title to be a national symbol. THE LEAST these people could do is act royal and do something “swashbuckling” once in a while. The last English royal to do anything of the sort for his country was Sean Connery, and that was in a bad King Arthur movie nobody saw. Think about how fearsome Prince Harry will be in a faraway land where he’s deprived of his booze.

Toast Harry

Disclaimer

“Two men’s passion, one green love…”

Ex-Vice US President Al Gore may be Ga-Ga for Green but Canada’s Environment Minister, John Baird will not be taking crap from him. Recently, Baird released a plan to reduce “intensity emissions” (cool way of saying greenhouse-gas emissions) in Canada. Gore fired back calling Baird’s plan:

In my opinion, it is a complete and total fraud. It is designed to mislead the Canadian people.

Baird was clearly pissed off about it and had this to say about Gore:

I wish Al Gore had asked to be briefed on the plan. I wish he would have read the plan.

The message was obviously coded. What it really says is: “This doesn’t involve you, sit down and shut up.” Gore didn’t have a chance to shoot back but his rep had this say:

Obviously he had a chance to read and review it.

With a comeback like that, she might as well have said nothing at all. This was the BEST part, Baird wasn’t done shit talking as he said:

It is difficult to accept criticism from someone who preaches about climate change, but who never submitted the Kyoto Protocol to a vote in the United States Senate, who never did as much as Canada is now doing to fight climate change during eight years in office.

If you skipped that, go back and read it. Now that is also code for: “Do you have anything left to say now? EHH!!” Of course this was then turned into whether this job was being done better by Liberals/Conservatives. In the end both sides were sounding very dumb because the Earth doesn’t care about politics.

I make fun of people with humor news and I still: care.

Disclaimer

“Does this include the rats?”

KFC announced that it would be planning to stop using trans-fat oils when cooking their “chicken.” The KFC chain said all of its 5500 chains will be switching to a soy-bean based oil. James O’Reilly, KFC’s chief marketing officer had this to say:

This idea is a positive one for consumers, and we do expect it’s going to really appeal to people and bring them into our stores.

Using real chickens might be another good way to bring people into your stores. Taco Bell also plans to follow suit by cooking in a soy-bean oil. To which Critics were quick to reply with:

Wait, that’s cooked?

The change comes as America realizes its weighing down the continent.

I lost weight after laying off the: colonel

“Driver? or Optimus Prime? We’ll never know..”

When Jennifer Bova, 21, told her father she was going to her grandmother’s house, she didn’t know she would be driving off the road into a pond. She warned her father about wolves but that is customery when its off to grandmother’s house we go. The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens reported:

The family left 13 increasingly frantic messages on Bova’s cell phone but never received a response.

After two days, a trucker saw Bova’s wrecked car while driving by. She was airlifted to the hospital and treated. The trucker might have been delivering manuals on how not to run your car off the road, but that probably won’t be confirmed.

Cnnizzle

“But doctor, you can’t eat your lunch in here!”
“Damnit nurse, pass me the fava beans.”

As surgical tools progress, so do the methods in which surgery is done. Recently, doctors have started completing surgeries through the natural openings of the body. One boy recently had a tumor removed through the nose. Two women had gall bladders removed through their vaginas. Three men had bottles removed through their rectums. It’s getting popular, you get the idea. As a way to prevent extreme scarring and longer recovery time, surgery is becoming like a wrecking crew for destroying ships in a bottle. Instead of just cracking open the glass, they are removing piece by piece by your little hole. One doctor spoke about the benefits, reflecting on a bowel surgery that used to require going through the stomach but is now completed through the rectum. Dr. David Rattner of Massachusetts General Hospital had this to say:

They really can go back to work the next day.

If an operation is going through someone’s ass and the problem is their internal poo bag, employers shouldn’t mind if an employee took a day or two off, just in case. Rattner went onto say:

It’s not going to replace laparoscopic surgery, but it’s going to have a niche somewhere. We’re trying to figure out where that niche is going to be.

It already looks like it has a niche, just bend over. Bam! Niche made!

Cut through my stomach, I like my ass in one: piece.

British bad boy Hugh Grant was arrested two nights ago for wielding baked beans at a photographer. Apparently the photographer, Ian Whittaker, was trying to snap photos of Hugh leaving his London apartment.

The actor, according to British press reports, allegedly kicked Ian Whittaker three times as Whittaker attempted to photograph him near his West London home. Whittaker alleges Grant then picked up a large carton of baked beans and threw them at the lensman, leaving him “bruised” and “battered” and slathered in the sticky mess.

Ok, how does one get “bruised and battered” by baked beans? Maybe it was an extra large, heavy container of them. And you thought Russell Crowe was dangerous. That Aussie throws phones and fists, but Hugh throws produce! And not just any produce, baked produce. Man, those Brits don’t mess around. My advice to the paparazzi: when trying to snap photos of Hugh Grant, Jude Law or someone equally as boring, try to be in a safe place like an alley or a hardware store; they won’t be able to lift anything in those places. And whatever you do, stay away from the salad bars and grocery stores. Because you never know, Pierce Brosnan may be waiting for you with a huge head of lettuce, iceberg lettuce.

“These children don’t cheat on their exams… because they can’t read.”

Cheating during an exam has always been a challenge. Teachers are constantly catching on to students who mold with the times. From small papers, to writing answers on the brim of your hat, students always stay clever. Recently, students decided to get hi-tech and put their answers on their iPods. From formulas in memos to self-recorded tracks giving them the answers, students have been pinched for cheating. How was this info obtained? By the nerds of course. 16-year-old Mountain View junior Damir Bazdar had this rat out:

Some students use iPod-compatible voice recorders to record test answers in advance and them play them back.

Apparently Bazdar enjoys being a loner and generally rejected. A 17-year-old senior, Kelsey Nelson, had this tattle to add to the tale:

You can just thread the earbud up your sleeve and then hold it to your ear like you’re resting your head on your hand.

Congratulations on being a rat bastard. During every teacher student war, you will have the occasional suckups who give out all the secrets. Enjoy the cubicle farm when you grow up. Schools everywhere are starting to ban electronic devices during exams. Get rid of that calculator during the trigonometry exam and you’ll see what kind of sine you’ve committed.

Puns make me feel: smart.