Barbers in Iowa could not believe their ears when they heard that John Edwards got a 400 dollar haircut:
Quad-City barbers put down their shears and sputtered words like “preposterous” and “impossible” Wednesday when they heard of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards spending $400 for a haircut. In the Quad-Cities, $10 or $12 is about average. “If I charged $400 for a haircut, they’d come after me with white coats,” said Leo Fier, who has been cutting hair for 49 years at his shop in DeWitt, Iowa.
Edwards’ campaign committee filed a financial report with the Federal Election Commission noting that the White House hopeful paid $400 for haircuts in California and New Hampshire, and $248 for salon services in Dubuque, Iowa.
Is John Edwards haircut really that slick? To be perfectly honest, it looks like my fathers 11.00 haircut, and, in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that my father’s barber is blind italian octogenarian who smells of alcohol and halitosis.
There is a new Pac-Man tournament! From XBox 360 and Namco Bandai Games (presented by Quiznos), there will be a World Tournament to finally find who is the greatest Pac-Man player. So call up your grandson and see if he has Xbox 360. Because from April 25th to May 9th, fans will be able to play Pac-Man on Xbox Live Arcade. The top scores on the leaderboard (from different countries) will go on to compete in a final competition, granting they don’t die from old age. As they said:
Top finalists from Asia, Australia/New Zealand, Canada, Japan, and Mexico will be joined by two finalists from Europe and the US. The winners will be flown to New York City for the finals on June 5th, and the final winner will be crowned Xbox 360 ‘Pac-Man’ World Champion by Toru Iwatani, creator of ‘Pac-Man.
They will also be joined by the one lunatic who sends in a video expressing why they are the biggest loser Pac-Man fan. The winner of the world tournament will also recieve:
[besides the world title] including 26 years of free Quiznos toasted subs; 100,000 Microsoft Points for games, movies, and other fun content available on Xbox Live; and a one-of-a-kind Xbox 360 featuring a special design inspired by ‘Pac-Man.
Anyone in this tournament is more likely to need depends and bonding creme.
Even if you aren’t a fan of American Idol, watching the elimination round is just as entertaining as flipping between soft-core porn and the national geographic channel. It it human nature exposed and being ripped to shreds all in one show. So yesterday, Sanjaya Malakar was voted off American Idol. In a record high vote, Sanjaya didn’t make the cut. He had this to say:
I’m fine. It was an amazing experience.
That is comparable to when the cheetah just chokes out the gazelle. Sanjaya had a good run but it wasn’t enough. This quote from American Idol Host, Ryan Seacrest, is comparable to the actual storyline dialogue of a soft-core porn:
I can promise you: We won’t soon forget you.
He could have tried to sound a bit more dyslexic. Anyway, considering Malakar was on top of the Vote For the Worst campaign, it comes as no surprise he wouldn’t make it to the top. However, as each year progresses, the worst get closer and closer to winning. This year, the worst came to the number 7 spot as radio king Howard Stern promoted Malakar. Malakar was also helped by those running the Dell tech support. With access to American phone lines, they were able to help bring the singer closer to number one. But in the end, the American public had to finish off Sanjaya. And just as the hunt is over and the money shot gets implied, finish off they did.
The Virginia tech killer obtained his guns legally. If there were stricter gun laws, he would have gotten his guns illegally. It doesn’t matter either way, he was on a mission. If guns were banned, it would only mean people wouldn’t be able to properly defend themselves. Personally I hate guns. The site of a loaded gun gets me nervous. It reminds of that ass who shot himself during that episode of Beverly Hills 90210. However, if the gun is empty, I do get excited and play with it extensively as if I was Charles Bronson. Many people believe it is up to the law to protect us and I agree. But sometimes the law isn’t enough. Take NYC, circa 1985:
We shouldn’t be focusing on the gun laws, we should be focusing on healing as a nation.
“Baby dumping like real estate is all about location, location, location.”
In a 5-4 ruling, the Supreme Court outlawed partial birth abortions in states that had not already barred them. Conservatives ran wild (well as much as they could) on the streets as the decision was announced. Liberal Nancy Northrup, president of the Center for Reproductive Rights, had this to say:
Today’s ruling takes us perilously close to a complete reversal of Roe vs. Wade, and we should assume that this is only the beginning.
It’s not as if all options have been taken away. You could simple throw the child it in the trash. It has often been said that dead babies make great inspiration for dead baby jokes. Hillary Clinton called this:
a dramatic departure from four decades of Supreme Court rulings that upheld a woman’s right to choose.
Wait wait. There are still options. Should you wrap the baby in paper or plastic before disposing of it in the middle of the night? John McCain called this:
a victory for those who cherish the sanctity of life and integrity of the judiciary.
Well there goes McCain’s female vote. His support is pretty much limited to farm animals. Abortion providers have twenty-five days to comply with the ruling. Would “Don’t delay, get that baby out the way!” sound like a good ad campaign? Now that a woman’s right to choose has been limited, how about we bring back slavery? Those blacks have been getting too uppity.
According to a recent interview with Allure magazine, Lindsay Lohan thinks rather highly of herself. Shocking. Evidently the diluted debutante thinks that her friends and family are “unsafe” without her. She told Allure:
“When my friends and family are around me I feel like they’re safe…When my friends have left me – I ‘ve just seen everything collapse. They’re not safe without me.”
Wow. They have a word for this in psychology, I believe it’s called bi-polar disorder. And one of the specific symptoms is something called delusions of grandeur, where people think they are far more powerful than they really are. In this case, Lindsay Lohan thinks she is a protector. What does she protect her friends and family from? Well, instead of letting her friends do 10 tequila shots, she only lets them do 9. And when asked about her short stint in rehab, she answered:
“That’s my life! It’s so weird that I ended up in rehab. I always said I would die before I go to rehab. Everybody’s tired of hearing things about me and them…I think it’s just better for me to lie low and get better.”
Maybe she really isn’t crazy. Oh wait, did I mention she also compared herself to Marilyn Monroe, then vowed to keep club-hopping? Yeah, so not only is she bi-polar, she’s a friggin’ schizophrenic. This girl can’t help or protect anyone. She can barely hold her own skirt up when she’s peeing on a homeless person outside of a nightclub. And since Lindsay is such a powerful guardian, we asked what she told her little sister about sex and she said, “If a condom isn’t available, a snickers wrapper works totally fine…I think.”
“HEY! The government said you can’t bur… ah nevermind!”
First the government told us we couldn’t burn flags. Then they told women not to burn their bras. They even frowned when people started burning subway workers. So when a report was released that Ethanol might not be as safe as we thought it was, it raises the question on our fuel problem. Mark Jacobson, an atmospheric scientist at Stanford University in California, did the research:
If all cars were run on E85, he found that in some parts of the US there were significant increases in ozone – a pollutant with harmful effects on the human respiratory system – compared with petrol cars. In the study, the increase in smog translated to an extra 200 deaths per year in the whole of the US, with 120 occurring in Los Angeles alone.
Some may call it tragic, some may call it population control. But this is what Jacobson had to say:
We found that using E85 will cause at least as much health damage as gasoline, which already causes about 10,000 premature deaths annually from ozone and particulate matter. The question is, if we’re not getting any health benefits, then why continue to promote ethanol and other biofuels. By comparison, converting all vehicles to battery-electric, where the electricity is from wind energy would eliminate 10,000 air pollution deaths per year and 98% of carbon emissions from vehicles.
So it looks like electricity might just be the new head fuel source. The only shame is that you can’t burn it. This leaves us with limited options. The question that comes to mind is what’s next? We can’t burn phone books in sketch parking lots on Friday nights?
Five years has passed since the murder of Jam Master Jay (Mizell), DJ for Run DMC. However, legal papers have named Ronald Washington, 45, as an accomplice in the brutal slaying. Washington allegedly provided the cover while robbing the studio as another gunman killed Mizell. Washington is also being connected to the death of a friend of Tupac Shakur. He denies both claims and in a sworn statement felt that the cops harassing him were unjust because Mizell was a “childhood friend.” A statement from the family of Jay had this to say:
We’re relieved there’s some information coming out, although we understand that it’s not the full story.
The chances of this getting solved are next to nothing. If you ever want to get away with murder, it doesn’t take much. All you have to do is kill a rapper. You can leave the gloves, the mask, and the getaway car at home. It wouldn’t even have to be in a private place. Shooting rappers are so easy to get away with, you could possibly drag a rapper into the middle of a police precinct and kill him there and leave the gun on the ground. The only way you would get stopped is if someone thought you forgot your gun.
Cops are still bitter about NWA’s Fuck the: police
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