Archive: June, 2007

Disclaimer

“There are the pants without a judge in them.”

Washington D.C – Judge Roy Pearson recently sued his dry cleaners for losing a pair of his pants and not holding up to their “satisfaction guaranteed” end of the bargain. The $54 million dollar case was denied by Judge Judith Bartnoff, who had this to say:

A reasonable consumer would not interpret ‘satisfaction guaranteed’ to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer’s unreasonable demands or to accede to demands that the merchant has reasonable grounds to dispute.

That and it’s a pair of pants. Pearson, who makes $96,000 a year, might be losing his job if Judge Bartnoff finds him at fault for this whole case. As of now, Pearson has been ordered to pay off the dry cleaner’s legal fees. Now that is satisfaction guaranteed.

I like my justice with extra: starch.

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“Like a scene out of bambi..”

THE TAHOE! - The area near Lake Tahoe is on fire! In what many are calling the worst fire ever, nearly 165 structures have been burned. As to whether anyone has been injured has not been confirmed yet. Lt. Kevin House of the El Dorado County Sheriff’s Department had this to say:

This is just a monster of a fire. It’s just a very difficult thing to get on top of.

As to how an area next to a lake is burning is quite strange. Apparently Tahoe doesn’t have the technology to scoop up water and pour it on the fire.

I could kick a forrest fire’s: ass.

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“New Mexico’s State Flag!”

Alamogordo, New Mexico – A man was recently caught with 67 marijuana plants. Charles Barnes, 24, claimed he thought marijuana was legal in New Mexico. Apparently, he wanted to see how the plants would grow in the Cloudcroft area of New Mexico. Although there was a significant amount of plants, they weighed too little to charge Barnes with anything serious. He was given a citation for possession of marijuana. The police kept pot after dealing with Barnes. Afterwards he was allegedly caught smoking crack rock, to which he might have replied:

Oh you gotta be kidding me! This is illegal too? What can you smoke in New Mexico?

In a rural Midwestern state like New Mexico, the answer, as with anything in the Midwest, is meth.

Get high off: this.

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“See! This is what happens when…. ah screw this picture is always funny.”

Breaux Greer has done it again. He broke his own record for the longest javalin throw in the United States during the U.S. Athletics Championship. According to China (because they care about this stuff):

The two-time Olympian threw 91.29 meters in the second of his two attempts, beating his own American record of 90.71m set last month.

Hurling a stick is generally good for two things, cleaning up your yard and playing fetch. Other than that, it is about as useful and entertaining as throwing an iron ball.

I prefer world’s strongest: man.

OK I misspelled caramel.  Don’t be a bitch about it.

Disclaimer

“This might be a little too true.”

A Norwegian team discovered through research that the first born child or child who lost his/her elder sibling is slated to have a higher IQ. The research was obtained by studying 250,000 male conscripts. Professor Petter Kristensen, at the National Institute of Occupational Health in Oslo, and colleague Tor Bjerkedal, at the Norwegian Armed Forces Medical Service had this to say:

We found that it is the son’s social position and not his biological position that counts. In addition, the tendency for first-borns to occupy the niche of a surrogate parent, and to take on the role of the conscientious, self-disciplined and mature sibling may also explain why first-borns have higher IQs.

Well then Moses had the right plan to kill off all the first born children. Even if first born children are smarter, second born children are cooler. And that’s what matters…

So my brother’s a: doctor.