July 31st, 2007
If this picture doesn’t give you an erection, you can get the hell out of this country…
This is the most encouraging thing I’ve read all week:
Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.
The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of “cruelty-free consumers”.
This is fantastic news. Trust me. Nothing is less appealing than sleeping with a ratty, dank, patchouli stank whoo-er with a PETA documentary in her back pocket ready to prosthelityze unbelievers the moment they order a piece of chicken. This is another advance in the church of Veganism, which hopefully goes the way of the Shakers. The next step? Committed relationships with horses, who any vegan will tell you are “better endowed and more sensitive” than the average meat eating alpha male.
So…what are we having…the chicken or…the the chicken
July 31st, 2007
“Unlike the government, maybe God will hear these people..”
Afghanistan - As the South Korean crisis continues, another hostage of the 23 captured missionaries was found dead today. The new deadline to release Taliban prisoners has been set at noon, Wednesday. Taliban leader, Qari Yousef Ahmadi, had this to say:
If the Kabul government does not release the Taliban prisoners, then we will kill after 12 o’clock — we are going to kill Korean hostages. It might be a man or a woman… It might be one. It might be two, four. It might be all of them.
The Taliban won’t kill all of them because that gives them nothing to bargain with. Of course the U.S. government has done nothing to help in this situation. The South Korean government is just watching as a new body is found along the side of the road. And Afghanistan’s government.. wait wait.. Afghanistan has a functioning government?
This isn’t looking: good.
July 31st, 2007
“That is actually a woman. But also how I imagine Leekin to look like.”
Port St. Lucie, Florida - An old Florida woman was arrested yesterday on account of possibly being the devil. Judith Leekin, 62, had 9 teens and young adults locked up in her basement so she could collect the monthly stipends she was guaranteed by the government for adopting these children. When an 18 year old girl was found 200 miles away saying she had been with Leekin for 13 years, police got wise and found the horrors inside Leekin’s home. Most of the children appeared to have an education no greater than 4th grade. Police captain Scott Bartal had this to say:
Horrible, I think, would be the best word used to describe what was going on in that house.
Burned alive, I think, would be the best words to describe the punishment that Leekin should get. Bartal went on to say:
Was there any kind of emotional attachment? Yes, it was fear.
Bartal, who apparently moon lights as Captain Kirk, said the children were soiled and starving. If there was a way to execute someone twice, Leekin would make the perfect candidate. And I thought living in my basement was terrible, at least I’m bound to my computer. As to why I keep soiling myself, well that’s a whole other bag of reasons.
This woman deserves a beat: down.
July 31st, 2007
“…”
Your Skin - A recent study shows that exercise along with caffeine may greatly reduce your chances of skin cancer. The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences did a study (probably funded by Starbucks) where some mice were given caffeine, some were given exercise, and some were given both. The hairless mice that were given both showed a 400% increase in their defense against pre-cancerous cells. However Dr Alison Ross, from Cancer Research UK, had this to say:
Drinking a cup of coffee before going out jogging is definitely not a substitute for adequate sun protection - and those who are fair-skinned should take extra care.
Sunscreen company, Banana boat, probably took this new study into consideration with the creation of their coffee flavored sunscreen that boasts an urban phrase that will remind people to use more sunscreen protection. As the slogan goes:
If you white! Slap dis shit on, aight!
The study will also have to be proven in humans, which might change the findings considering most people don’t look like hairless mice.
Yeah, I’m up at: 4am
July 30th, 2007
“You’re a handsome devil…what’s your name?”
A Florida inmate was convicted earlier this week for engaging in one of the few pleasurable activities(outside of stabbin fools!) available to him:
In a verdict that could chill lonely inmates everywhere, a jury today convicted a Florida inmate for masturbating in the privacy of his Ft. Lauderdale cell. After deliberating for only 45 minutes, a Broward County panel found Terry Lee Alexander, 20, guilty of indecent exposure for an episode last November. According to investigators, a female guard–who was monitoring Alexander’s cell from a jail control room–spotted Alexander pleasuring himself while seated on his bunk.
God knows, nothing’s sexier than a room full of black dong and hepataitis stains…though maybe he’s into that sort of thing. In which case, it might have been far easier to craft something to squat on out of a corncob in the Mess Hall. Something more willing to lubricate and stop when you pass out from the pain….unlike Ray- J from the showers.
Note- Pictured above is some dude who wanks it to the dance scene in “Little Miss Sunshine.”
Dreams of Ray-J
July 30th, 2007
NYC - To date, over 10 men have claimed they were the sailor in Life magazines famous photograph, “The Kiss.” Experts say this man is the one.”The Kiss” taken by photojournalist Alfred Eisenstaedt in Times Square, August 14, 1945, shows a sailor kissing a nurse on Victory over Japan Day, and the identities of both people have remained a mystery.
Glenn McDuffie has come forward saying he is that man and has recalled what had happened to prompt him to kiss the nurse. McDuffie was traveling to Brooklyn from his naval base in Kannapolis, N.C. He said:
When I got off the subway I got to the top of the stairs and the lady up there said, ‘Sailor, I’m so happy for you.’ I asked her why and she told me the war was over and I could go home. I ran into the street jumping and hollering. It was then I kissed the nurse. She had the biggest mouth I’ve ever kissed.
McDuffie has taken several polygraph tests and has also gone as far as letting a forensic specialist recreate the photo pose, take his measurements, and compare them with the original all to ensure the fact that he is indeed the real kissing sailor. This story is the 1940’s version of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby-daddy scandal.
Open wide.
