July 30th, 2007
“I have a gun, stop making fun of my beard. I said stop!”
Kabul, Afghanistan - The Taliban extended its deadline for the 22 remaining South Korean hostages. The terms call for South Korea withdrawing its troops out of Afghanistan by 4pm today. This has been the eighth deadline the Taliban has set for South Korea. Taliban spokesman, Yousuf Ahmadi, had this to say:
At the request of Afghan and South Koran authorities, we have extended the deadline once again. We will decide what to do after that.
Their threats are about as lousy as my mother’s threats. But if South Korea keeps on delaying, this might end poorly for the hostages. Once, during my youth, I was pissing my mom off to no end throwing away things that were functional only because I was bored with them. When she found an electric sharpener in the garbage, she plugged it in to see it was still working. When she inquired as to why I would dispose of a functional sharpener, I responded with, “well you wanted me to clean up.” She promptly unplugged the sharpener and threw it at me from 20 feet away. I dodged her poor attempt at speed and said, “Well it’s broken now.” The point of this story is that South Korea should make moves before the Taliban decides to throw functional sharpeners at them.
Sharpenings were: Everywhere!
July 30th, 2007
“Shinzo and da crew!”
Tokyo - After the Liberal Democratic Party took over the Upper house of the Parliament, their first order of business was to call for the for the resignation of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Shinzo Abe responded with:
I can’t run away at this point. The situation will become very severe, but even in this kind of situation, we can’t afford a political vacuum.
Seems like Abe thinks of himself as a star that, if removed, will create a vacuum that will bring down Japan. Considering he has to shift his priorities from his political agenda to keeping his job, it just might be time to leave office and not kill himself. You know what I’m talking about Japan! Always with the suicide and jumping in front of trains. Yeah, I saw Hostel!
I’m poorly: educated
July 27th, 2007
“Desani Bottling Plant.”
Aquafina will be revealing where its water comes from - the tap. As Michelle Naughton, a Pepsi-Cola North America spokeswoman said:
If this helps clarify the fact that the water originates from public sources, then it’s a reasonable thing to do.
I like how they talk about this like it is fact but never mention anything remotely close to this on the actual packaging. Instead they throw in fancy terms like “reverse osmosis” or “stolen from a centaur’s penis.” The fact didn’t need to be clarified, it needed to be told outright. With this information at hand, I can only imagine the bottling plant is a bunch of Mexicans at sinks filling away bottles or a long garden hose with holes punched into them.
Poland Spring: makes me: dumb.
July 27th, 2007
“Drew on his campaign to get the ‘Price is Right’ gig”
America’s favorite guilty-pleasure game show, “The Price is Right,” has announced it’s new host. With sad eyes, we watch Bob Barker pack up his teeth and Viagra, and we say hello to…wait for it…Drew Carey. Expecting someone more exciting? Well get over that and accept the truth. Let’s be honest, Drew Carey is funny and all, but he’s no Bob Barker. That kind of charisma and fake tan cannot be duplicated by eating pork rinds and chugging beer. That’s the kind of entertainment you can watch in a bar in Kentucky. It seems we are not the only ones who are nervous, as he tells the Associated Press:
“I realize what a big responsibility this is.”
Oh Drew, how you lie. You can’t handle the Grocery Game and Plinko! When the contestant drops down the Plinko chip, he’ll think it’s a giant Ding-Dong and try to eat it. Then when someone tries to wrestle him away from it, he’ll growl and start foaming at the mouth. Now who needs to be spayed or neutered, Drew?!
Holla..
July 26th, 2007
“There used to be a pool here, along with my daddy…”
Patterson, New Jersey - When Daisy Valdivia woke up on Wednesday, she was shocked to find that her pool was missing. According to the AP:
Valdivia awoke to find her family’s hip-high, inflatable, 10-foot diameter swimming pool gone from her back yard Wednesday.
The best part was that not a drop of water was spilled during this heist. As Daisy said:
What the heck they did with the water? We have two grills, chairs, umbrellas, they’re much easier to take.
It almost sounds like she is trying to get rid of the grills, chairs, and umbrellas. Regardless, this isn’t surprising for Jersey because people will steal anything that isn’t nailed down.
Fuhgettaboutit!
