July 24th, 2007
“Damn it Drew, put on your game face!”
Los Angeles, California - Drew Carey’s grin has reached shit eating proportion as it was recently announced that he would be the new host of “The Price is Right.” As Bob Barker stepped down last May, CBS was scrambling to find a new host. For those of you who are stuck with your general 9-5 work schedule, you may not have noticed Bob Barker’s performance had been slipping over the years. During one episode they had a high-school biology class skeleton fill in and it tested higher in the ratings. While many thought Rosie O’Donnel would get the job because of her backing by Bob Barker and lesbian have rights bitchery, it was Carey who swooped in for the kill. Regardless of who would have been chosen, you would still have an overweight comic host. It’s a shame Louie Anderson wasn’t in the running. Speak to us Carey:
I love the idea of giving away prizes for a living, that’s a pretty good gig to have. And it’s a real honor to be asked to do ‘The Price is Right.
This might just work out for Carey. The best part being that Carey is single and he can harass the ladies like Barker did but without being too decrepit and gross.
Run it Fat: man!
July 23rd, 2007
Two Illinois parents find themselves in deep doo-doo today, as a court has ruled them responsible for a bunch of teenagers getting plastered and then getting their drunk drive on.
Lake County’s most notorious party hosts have been found guilty of violating the state Liquor Control Act, nine months after two teenage boys died in a car accident at the end of their driveway during a drinking party in their home.
Jeffrey Hutsell, 53, and Sara Hutsell, 52, were found guilty Saturday of three of the four charges related to the drinking party their son held in the basement of their Deerfield home last Oct. 13….Around 11:30 p.m. on the night of the party, two 18-year-olds were killed in a one-car crash at the end of the Hutsells’ driveway that Deerfield police linked to alcohol, marijuana and excessive speed. Ross Trace of Riverwoods, a senior at Deerfield High, and Daniel Bell of Bannockburn, a 2006 Deerfield graduate, were killed and three other teens in the same car were injured when Bell drove into a tree, reportedly on their way back to the Hutsell house, after smoking marijuana.
It’s good to see that the government is cracking down on underage drinking by going after the parents. The next logical step is to call for wholesale executions of any parents who allow their underage male children to spray tan. Anyway, we’ll get to that later. The important thing here is that justice will be served and the parents will go to jail, while their innocent and unassuming children will be left in charge of the old homestead. Surely they’ll all make it from 18 to 21 safe, clean, and sober now that those troubling vice peddlers are off the premises.
It’s 4, time to start get out of work and start drinking… anyone got directions to the Hutsell house?
July 23rd, 2007
NBC is trying their God damnedest to keep Jay Leno around once he leaves the Tonight Show:
Three years ago, NBC announced with pride that Conan O’Brien would take over “The Tonight Show” in 2009. But now that the date is fast approaching, the web is beginning to panic: How do we anoint O’Brien but still keep Leno in the Peacock’s nest?Aside from turning around NBC’s primetime, the biggest challenge facing new co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff is how to keep Leno away from Fox or ABC.
“We want him to stay at NBC for life,” Silverman told journalists at the Television Critics Association press tour. “And Marc and I are aggressively trying to come up with ideas that would make Jay happy.
Analogy time… “NBC aggressively pursuing retaining Jay Leno is to quality programming what aggressively pursuing unprotected sex with toothless Thai hookers is to your sexual health and happiness.” If I were a network exec at NBC, I’d devise a show where Leno and Letterman talk out their differences while tied to a large chunk of plywood and drifting down the Amazon…covered in bees.
boom shaka laka
July 23rd, 2007
Translation: “You owe me your life.”
Masonville, Colorado - A chihuahua recently saved a 1 year old boy’s life by jumping in the way of a rattlesnake attack. Booker West, said 1 year old, was playing in the backyard clearly unattended by his grandparents. When a rattlesnake went to attack the little boy, the chihuahua, Zoey, jumped in the way to take the snake’s bites. The grandparents were either sleeping, eating, or watching old episodes of Perry Mason but you can guarantee they weren’t watching Booker. As Grandpa Monty had this to say:
She got in between Booker and the snake, and that’s when I heard her yipe. I shat myself, like I always do.
Now the last part is clearly misquoted but old people aren’t good for much else. The dog almost didn’t make it but was finally cleared to go home. Grandma Denise Long had this to say:
These little bitty dogs, they just don’t really get credit.
Well Grandma, that is because the only time they have done anything remotely interesting was selling people a Taco Bell meal consisting of e. coli ridden beef.
lousy grandparents..
July 23rd, 2007
“Approximate sketch of woman.”
Jackson, Mississippi - When a five-month old adopted baby was kidnapped in a home invasion, police didn’t have to look far in terms of clues to figure out it was an embittered biological mother who lost custody in court a few months ago. Jamie Keifer and her sister, Ricki Swann, along with an armed man stormed into the house of Matt Erickson, tied up Jennifer Erickson and kidnapped 5 month old Madison Erickson. Clearly knowing her BDSM, Jennifer Erickson was able to free herself to call the police. The 5 month old, Madison Erickson, was taken to a military base apartment where she was found by authorities. Swann’s husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan and will be really pissed off once he finds out what stupid shit his wife has been up to. FBI agent Jason Pack had this to say:
Apparently (the kidnapping) was related to the adoption of the baby. Apparently Ms. Kiefer had changed her mind about the adoption.
For the three-fer, “apparently” you can switch “changed” with “lost” and it would still make sense.
Go: morning Go!
July 23rd, 2007
“My kind of news.”
Central England - Due to massive rains or a stuck toilet, central and western England recently received the worst flooding in over 60 years. The water logged area has been considered a disaster area with over 100 people needing rescue by the Royal Air Force. As the rain poured on in over nine counties, the water supply has been tainted causing thousands to alternative source of water. British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, recently flew over the flooded town of Gloucestershire where he might have been throwing bottles of clean water to watch people scramble for them before he landing in a dry spot to discuss the situation at hand. The Daily Mail’s headline read:
Water, water everywhere but … not a drop to drink!
While the rest of the country heard of the irony, the nine counties affected by the flood weren’t able to read the headline on account of newspapers not being able to float. But if they had just listened to that sketchy guy in the advertising department and decided to print their paper on people who couldn’t swim, this wouldn’t have been a problem to begin with.
Huh?
July 22nd, 2007
“Hmm who knew?”
Camp David, Maryland - President Bush was taking in the butt this morning for his regular colonoscopy. Prior the procedure, Bush had transferred his presidential powers to Vice President Dick Cheney. As said:
Mr. Bush transferred presidential power to Mr. Cheney at 7:16 a.m. with two signed letters to leaders in the House and Senate. In all, the power transfer lasted two hours and five minutes.
During the two hour and five minute reign, President Cheney tried to declare war on Mother Nature. With Cheney demanding a higher deer count for this upcoming hunting season, Mother Nature was baffled and had this to say:
He threatened to nuke me. He said he would leave no leaf un-scorched. And I thought Bush was nuts.
Before any serious actions could take place, President Bush took back his presidential power and Cheney was sent back to his lair in the White House.
Dick “shoot ya in the face”: Cheney.
