August 28th, 2007
“Real Winner”
Austin, Texas – After leaving six bodies in his trail from Texas to New York, Paul Devoe III, 43, was arrested after a small standoff with police. The raging murderer first gunned down his ex-girlfriend, Paula Griffith. Then according to reports:
Detectives also found the bodies of Griffith’s 15-year-old daughter; 17-year-old Danielle Hensley; and Griffith’s boyfriend, 48-year-old Jay Feltner, according to an arrest warrant affidavit.
He also killed a bartender and an old woman. I’ve heard of Lays Potato Chips being addictive, but even serial killing gets old without interesting reasoning. At least blame the voices in your head or the dog in your apartment.
What an ass!
August 27th, 2007
“Learn to cower in front of Motha “F-in” Nature!”
Athens, Greece – As the forest fires rage on in Greece, terrorism is being suspected. And while actual terrorists may or may not have started the fires, it has been Mother Nature who has been the culprit in flaming the fires of hatred. Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis had this to say:
So many fires breaking out simultaneously in so many parts of the country cannot be a coincidence. The state will do everything it can to find those responsible and punish them.
As to how Greek officials plan to bring the elusive Mother Nature to justice is anyone’s guess. Perhaps kidnapping her daughter, Persephone, to be held as a bargaining chip. Of course the last time this happened, we ended up with winter. Zeus only knows what predicament we got ourselves into by pissing off Mother Nature.
myths in the mornin’
August 27th, 2007
“Note what the box looks like because last time I grabbed a box of douche.”
Washington - The sale of the morning after pill has increased as it is now over the counter. The pill, called Plan B, which helps prevent pregnancy will now be available to anyone over 18 without a doctor’s prescription. Let the midnight trips to the drug store begin! As Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards said:
More women know about it, and it’s just becoming much more part of their mainstream reproductive health care.
Two Plan B pills prevent pregnancy by 89% if taken within 72 hours of sexual intercourse. Ah great! So now you can rest well knowing you have enough time to deal with it in the morning. Even though, by then, a smart man would be out the door. Plan C should be a pair of handcuffs.
Morning-after thrill
August 23rd, 2007
Justice marches on:
RICHMOND, Va. – More than 50 pit bulls seized from Michael Vick’s property face a Thursday deadline to be claimed. If no one comes forward, they could be euthanized.
Federal prosecutors filed court documents last month to condemn 53 pit bulls seized in April as part of the investigation into dogfighting on the Vick’s property. No one has claimed any of the dogs, which are being held at several unspecified shelters in eastern Virginia, the U.S. Attorney’s office said Wednesday.
If the state were in any way run by innovative people they might suggest selling these dogs on eBay or placing them in no-kill shelters. Unfortunately, it’s not. Meanwhile, David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox is selling his Mercedes on eBay for something like 450,000 dollars. If they let me have dogs at my apartment, I’d place the first bid. Hell, there aren’t any PETA lunatics out there? I don’t have a moment of guilt when I ponder the intellect and disposition of what became my pulled pork sandwich, but isn’t the goal of this thing to punish Vick AND save the animals.
Save Michael Vick’s dogs.
August 23rd, 2007
“Hmm that photo guy looks mighty tasty, but what is he jerking off to?”
Belgrade, Serbia – A 23 year old man was found naked, clothes set aside, inside a bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo during the annual beer festival. The two adult bears, Masha and Misha, dragged the man’s half eaten body into the corner to finish eating. Zoo director Vuk Bojovic had this to say:
There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.
Well I’m going to say drugged because in my infinite experience, nothing gets me hornier than two bears to snuggle up to. Especially during a festival where loving may be plenty, but the fur is limited. But to call him an idiot, now that’s just mean.
Yum Grizzly!
August 22nd, 2007
“Masterful and tasteful.”
Over The Pond – Flying over the Atlantic on Friday, Britain’s Royal Air Force’s (RAF) new Typhoon F2 aircraft spotted Russian Bear-H bombers. Part of what Russia calls “routine patrols,” Putin plan on exercising that:
Russia … faces the task of maintaining supremacy in producing military aircraft.
I know what you’re thinking, this is just like the Cold War all over again. But you have to keep in mind, Lenin never visited Camp David and frolicked with the president. Putin and the boys just want a little respect. It’s sort of like when guys wear cut off shirts to show off the work they have been putting in at the gym. Sure it looks questionable, but it’s mainly for attention. Actual pic here:
Putin, you’re still aight.
August 22nd, 2007
“Well now that’s just mean…”
Graceland - As reported yesterday, a gun from a museum dedicated to Elvis reported a stolen gun. In a cruel twist of ironey, Elvis’s gun was found yesterday in a toilet. The cause of death is unknown at this time. A fried banana sandwich was found nearby. It has been brought in for questioning.
Oh no!
August 22nd, 2007
“Now multiply it by 4.”
Dubai, UAE - Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, is a one legged Emriti with 78 children. He has had 15 wives but has had to divorce them in order to stay within the legal limit of 4 wives. Abdul Rahman hopes to have 100 children before 2015. As he said:
In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children. After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.
The kicker is that Abdul Rahman lives off a military pension and the support of the Ajman emirate, the one that controls Dubai. If someone was living off a military pension and child support in the U.S with 78 children, I could only imagine their diet would consist of roadkill and reduced price cans of Friskees.
I’ve always been fond of Chicken Tuna.
