Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – As to why anyone would want to claim credit for the emoticon “:-)” is beyond reasonable thinking but Carnegie Mellon University professor Scott E. Fahlman said he was the first to use it in an email. In an email dated September 19, 1982, Fahlman wrote:
I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: Read it sideways.
I thought Carnegie Mellon held some prestige. I guess I was wrong since you have a professor claiming to be the first person to use smiley faces on the keyboard. Fahlman went on to say:
I’ve never seen any hard evidence that the sequence was in use before my original post, and I’ve never run into anyone who actually claims to have invented it before I did. But it’s always possible that someone else had the same idea — it’s a simple and obvious idea, after all.
The idea of someone wanting to claim the idea of smiley faces is almost as absurd as someone wanting to claim to be “the most downloaded woman on the Internet.” Oh wait. Then it is almost as absurd as someone wanting to claim to be the first person to use the term “information superhighway.” Nevermind. Cheap shots at Al Gore and Cindy Margolis aside, perhaps Fahlman should create a signature emoticon that best expresses who he is, an ass.
Basement – I’m working hard on the daily humor headlines for this week. I always slack on them because they are a bitch to produce. I make them old school style with a scanner and a typewriter. You can’t rush artistic prowess. The updates will be coming after the daily humor headlines are produced. Be Sleazy! – Ryle
Lights! Camera! Snore. That’s probably the best way to describe the Emmy’s this year. Hosted by closet-case Ryan Seacrest, the show just didn’t have that “something” it needed. That something should have been creative writing. Or star-studded performances. Instead we got Ryan Seacrest in all his flamboyant glory and Christina Aguilera singing with her grandpa. Oh, sorry that was Tony Bennett. Either way, a match-up like that sounds good in theory: two well-trained, talented vocalists from very different generations-insert pensive nod of approval here-but it turned out to be a big bore. Did we mention that the song was “Steppin’ Out With My Baby?” Is that some kind of tongue-in-cheek reference to Christina Aguilera’s new-found pregnancy? Ha! They can’t pull the wool over Overadulthood!
The best part of the show was the opening act with Brian and Stewie Griffin from controversial cartoon “Family Guy.” They sang a song about TV that was mocking and judgmental, just the way we like it here. A tidbit:
Brian: “ABC has got a lineup that’s refreshing and alive-with it’s hits like ‘Desperate Housewives’ just continuing to thrive.” Stewie: “And those women look sensational for being 65!”
Nice. Then the show goes downhill from there. There was nothing really horrible about it, like Britney’s VMA performance, but there was also nothing that exciting either. Although Sally Field’s acceptance speech for that horrid drama “Brothers and Sisters” was pretty ridiculous. She sounded like the drunken grandma at somebody’s wedding. She was telling the audience to “shutup” so she could finish talking about “our children” out there in the war, and then she completely lost her train of thought and just started saying “war…uh, the war…” over and over again. Maybe her alzheimers is finally kicking in. Next year, let’s hope for Ellen DeGeneres again. She had a brief stint this year while presenting an award, and those two minutes were funnier than the whole show. Good job Ryan. We vote lesbian!
Paris, France – If there is one thing the French hate more than loud Americans its Iranians with nuclear power. The French recently decided to grow a pair and call on Iran to cut their shit out. As Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said:
We will not accept that such a bomb is made. We must prepare ourselves for the worst. We have decided, while negotiations are under way … to prepare for eventual sanctions outside the United Nations, which would be European sanctions.
That might just mean they don’t want the U.S. sticking its nose in European affairs. But Iran getting their hands on nuclear bombs would be everyone’s problem. The United States on the other hand has decided to take the peaceful approach according to Defense Secretary Robert Gates:
I think that the administration believes at this point that continuing to try and deal with the Iranian threat, the Iranian challenge, through diplomatic and economic means is by far the preferable approach. That’s the one we are using.
When you leave a country in ruins the time for soft words are necessary, especially after using that big stick.
Las Vegas, Nevada – Orenthal James Simpson is back at it again! The former running back didn’t have a chance to run from the law this time as he was apprehended shortly after allegedly holding up two people in their hotel room for sports memorabilia in conjunction with other suspects. Of course O.J. felt it was a giant misunderstanding as he believes there were no guns involved. However, the validity of his story was called into serious question as two guns were seized under investigation. Las Vegas police Lt. Clint Nichols had this to say:
We don’t believe anybody was roughed up, but there were firearms involved in the commission of the robbery.
Simpson’s former belongings may have been in possession of the two people who were sports memorabilia collectors. This may have been the cause of the robbery but even more important are some quotes by Kim Goldman about OJ:
He’s capable of stabbing people to death, so I think robbery is nothing surprising. Normal, logical, civil-minded, law-abiding people don’t storm a room with guns demanding stuff back.
I guess she thinks he did it. I wonder if there is proof:
Simpson is currently being held without bail, as if he had the money to pay to get out. If he is convicted on the charges of two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon and one count each of armed burglary and conspiracy to commit burglary, he could be facing up to 30 years in prison, maybe giving him another chance to be called The Juice, in jail.
What’s wrong with this picture? The lips? The boobs? The cabbage patch doll/hooker on crack outfit? Well we’ll help you out- it’s ALL of it. The former porn-megastar Jenna Jameson keeps trying to transform herself into a respected actress/model. This picture was taken at the Heatherette fashion show where she appeared strutting her bony bod and reduced boobies.
Didn’t she used to be smokin hot? What the hell happened? Someone needs to remind Jenna that sometimes, you should stick to what you know. Her lips look like she spent all day sucking…nevermind. Her body looks like she lives on cigarettes and red bull. And her boobs show years of rough…nevermind. Hmm…maybe after all these years, she’s right where she’s supposed to be in terms of looks. We apologize, Jenna, for the judgment. We forgot about all the years of abuse that poon has endured. Kudos to you for still being able to walk and talk!
“That’s not how we’re going out but that would be cool.”
Jakarta, Indonesia – There has been some serious earthquake activity in Indonesia this past week and it seems that no one has made any mention of it. Of course the major news networks gave it coverage, as much coverage as they gave to anything else not US or celebrity related. But it has been three days and Indonesia is still rockin’ out with their.. well rock out. As small reports have said:
A strong earthquake with a preliminary magnitude of 6.4 struck off the southwestern coast of Sumatra Friday in the same area shaken by a major 8.4-magnitude temblor that killed 13 people earlier in the week.
And that is just the edge of it, there have been aftershocks left and right. As told by David Applegate of the U.S Geological Survey:
What we have here is a subduction zone, where one of the Earth’s plates is moving down beneath the other. In this case, the Indian Ocean and the Australian Plate are moving beneath the Eurasian Plate. In this kind of a situation you’re going to get earthquakes as the strain builds up, but what we’re seeing now is almost every segment of this plate has ruptured just in the last several years.
Allow me to leave it in one world maybe all of you can understand people. PANGAEA!! The tectonic plate gods are angry with us for mistreating Mother Earth and it seems they are intent on putting the world back together. I say we take Mother Earth full on! Let’s show that bitch what we’re made of. We should drop nukes on these plate edges so they stop rubbing together like that chick’s legs in Black Snake Moan. Yeah, the horny one.
Moscow, Russia – Most news sources have cited that relations with Russia have been “chilly.” Russia just announced they have created the “dad of all bombs” to outshine the U.S’s “mother of bombs.” We might as well stop beating around the bush and call this competition cold. Col.-Gen. Alexander Rukshin, a deputy chief of the Russian military’s General Staff had this to say:
The tests have shown that the new air-delivered ordnance is comparable to a nuclear weapon in its efficiency and capability.
This sounds like what Nicoli Koloff from Rocky 4 said about Drago:
It is a matter of size. Evolution. Isn’t it, gentlemen? Drago is the most perfectly trained athlete ever. This other man has not the size, the strength, the *genetics* to win. It is physically impossible for this little man to win. Drago is a look at the future!
London, England – Led Zeppelin will be reuniting for a concert in England slated for November. The original surviving members, Robert Plant (singer), Jimmy Page (guitar) and John Paul Jones (bass) have reunited before but this time it would coincide with the “Best of Led Zeppelin.” It is rumored that a tour would start if the concert was successful.
I thought the point of classic rock was to stay classic and not throw concerts in this day and age. I know some people would lose their shit over this but I like my classic rock like I like my Lynrd Skynrd.
MOSCOW (AP) – President Vladimir Putin dissolved Russia’s government Wednesday in a major political shakeup ahead of parliamentary and presidential elections, the Kremlin said. The dissolution is expected to result in a new prime minister, who will be seen as Putin’s choice to succeed him after he steps down next spring.
I’m left wondering if “dissolution” refers to the process by which Putin pounded a gavel and said “NYET!” or a process where he kidnapped these people and dumped them on to a conveyor belt with a bone grinder at the end of it like Chevy Chase in “I Love Trouble” and melted their remaining bones. Dubious word, “dissolved.”
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Read it sideways.
