Archive: October, 2007

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“The losers get used as sandbags to hold off flood damage.”

Beijing, China – A storm that killed five people on Sunday prompted an evacuation of 1.4 million people bitches. How are you going to let mother nature tell you what to do? In Vietnam, they are braving it out. Vietnam’s provincial disaster official Pham Hong Thuong kept it gully by spitting something real:

Communication to many parts of the province is still cut off. The death toll is likely to rise. Because that is how gangsta we keep it in the Nam!

Well maybe not all of that quote is true but China even had to cancel the vacation of flood control workers who were probably watching the Special Olympics in their town of Shanghai. I know that would ruin my day if I had to cancel my time off watching retards have drool competitions to “help people.” Hopefully they will incorporate the strong man competition with the Special Olympics to make it up to the Chinese. Maybe seeing how many wheel bound nuts steroid induced freaks from eastern Europe can carry in one trip? Still don’t know why I’m not working in television.

I’m a visionary, vision is: scary.

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“Ahhh sweet meat.”

Union, Missouri – Sometimes pedophiles can be mean and heartless, especially when they don’t call you back after forcing you to perform oral sex on them. But sometimes they are can be sweet and kind. Meet Michael Devlin! He used to be a pizza parlor manager before he kidnapped young teenagers and sexually abused them. But the story takes a sweet turn. After being discovered he was kidnapping these children, he decided to plead guilty to almost 80 counts of kidnapping. Loyd Bailie, uncle of one of the kids had this to say:

This is a great day. Just knowing that Ben is not going to have to relive all this through the court system — this is cloud nine.

Exactly. Nothing says complete happiness like not having to relive sexual abuse through a court system. Now Ben can go back to living his “normal” life. That bare minimum is something worth aspiring to. Devlin might be looking at a life sentence but he is “at peace” according to his lawyers. I didn’t know busting nuts all over teenage boys brought such tranquility.

I’ll take my war with extra sugar!

Sigh. More Britney news. It is getting a little exhausting, but who are we to turn away from her troublesome media-friendly turn for the worse? Scumbags who have nothing better to do? Correct! But it’s all for your entertainment so shut up and keep reading.

Earlier this week, a court ordered that Spears’ children be taken away from her and placed in full custody of Kevin Federline, allowing Spears only monitored visitation rights. Judge Scott M. Gordon ruled in the last hearing:

“The minor children shall remain in the custody of [Federline] with the exception of those specific dates and times as ordered by the Court…Pending the further order of the Court, all visitation shall be in the presence of a monitor. The monitor shall terminate the visitaton immediately if any conduct or action by [Spears] endangers the minor children.

Well that’s crazy. What on earth could Spears possibly do that would harm her children? Feed them tacos with her hands? Use bed linens as baby wipes? Make them chug soda directly from the bottle? Ridiculous.

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Supposedly, they’re “cracking down” on immigration in Los Angeles:

In what federal authorities are calling the largest sweep of criminal and fugitive immigrants, federal agents over the past two weeks have arrested more than 1,300 Southland immigrants in their homes, in jails and at work, officials announced Wednesday.

As part of a stepped-up national crackdown on illegal immigrants, five teams of Immigration and Custom Enforcement agents raided homes in Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino and Ventura counties from Sept. 19 through Tuesday.

MY. ASS. They refer to this as a crackdown? The most laughable aspect of the immigration situation to date is when some politician who never leaves the confines of Georgetown for an actual diverse neighborhood exclaims “it’s impossible to find all these people!” Hogwash. “We need to make it easier for these people to come out of the shadows.” Bunk. In my hometown of approximately 30,000 people there are at least 100 illegal immigrants a day lined up in parking lots waiting for a pickup truck. They only go into “the shadows” to sleep or pee all over, and they’ve been known to do the latter on my parent’s lawn . By four o’clock every afternoon there are a few dozen Rico Suaves stumbling down the streets drunk or standing on corners hitting on women. By eight o’clock there are at least 80 Ricky Ricardos on their way to the bar, typically dressed like gay cowboys with shiny gold plated teeth, or they’re doing the dishes and busing the tables during rush hour at a nice restaurant. If they pulled over every 1989 Honda CRX with champagne spinners…you get my point?

If only all our border patrol agents were like Robert Michael Jack

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“The kids! They called me Mr. Glass!! And then I decided to break windows.”

Scottsdale, Arizona – The owner of a glass company was recently arrested on charges of fraud involving breaking school bus windows and then repairing them for profit. Troy Volberg, 33, owner of Tri-State Glass (not the important Tri-State, it’s the one out west that no one cares about) and his army goons were arrested on fraud. Scottsdale Unified School District Superintendent Dr. John Baracy had this to say:

This was not only a crime against property, but a crime against our children and our community.

Thanks John for that cliche “think about the children” tripe. It’s those same rotten children that are probably keeping Volberg in business when he isn’t scumbagging it up around parking lots filled with buses. His gang of creeps consisted of murderers and thugs, but at least he wasn’t hiring kid touchers to double as window breakers. Although, he could have hired them at a discount price because they would have gotten stiffies from hanging around buses that carry children. A smart man knows these things.

i’m too busy to rob: here

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“As in they just found a boat load of dismembered bodies! Yeah I gave away the opening!”

Moscow, Russia – Just when they thought it was safe to rebuild that 19th century Moscow house, officials found the remains of about three dozen bodies . Police officials are opening up an investigation to find the identities of the bodies. The house used to belong to a famous czarist-era family, the Sheremyetevs. On top of that, the estate was located near a former KGB headquarter. This investigation will probably be closed before I’m done writing this post on account of that old catchy saying:

What happens in czarist-era in Russia, stays in czarist-era Russia.

They also made a commercial about it. Remember? This woman asks her husband what he wants to eat for breakfast and he screams “Get in line!” in russian. Then she gives him this “oh honey” look with her hands to her side and her head tilted. Meanwhile the camera cuts to him hallucinating where he is shooting like thirty odd some people. The screen goes black and it just says “Czarist-Era Russia!” with little lights around it and the song “viva la russia” playing in the background.

flip that tinactin!