“Hmm.. close but no cigar.”

BMW calls their cars the “ultimate driving machine.” It’s about time someone rendered that title null and void. A few years ago, while stuck in traffic, a friend and I created what would be the end all be all of cars. This assault on vehicles will be what Mercedes Benz calls “unlike any other.” And the only ties it would have to any car company would be the location at which this behemoth on wheels would be sold (more on that later). Lexus calls each one of their cars, the “pursuit of perfection.” The race is over.

1. The Name.

“Too cool… even for Charlie Sheen.”

Some car companies give their cars number names like Rx 300, SLR 300, or 330 CI. Some car companies give their cars silly names like Avenger, Celebrity, or Tahoe. However, the makers of this four wheel beast decided to make their message clear in the name. It is called: The Revenge. The only car that seeks redemption for all the crappy cars you ever owned. The only car that seeks what it calls “justice” against other cars. And the only car you will ever need, because it doesn’t need you.

2. But where do I buy The Revenge?

“See that second floor window… you may get a closer look.”

The Revenge is exclusively sold on the second floor of each BMW dealership. BMW dealers always takes pride in their show rooms and The Revenge takes pride in being a level above BMW. Sales will exclusively take place on the second floor for various other reasons. For example, if you decide you are worthy to buy The Revenge, and you show up looking like you came from the gym, you will promptly be thrown through the designated glass window. The second floor is low enough not to avert death but high enough to teach you a lesson. If you show up looking spectacular but are unreasonably lame, you will also be thrown out the window. If you show up looking for a bathroom, you will end up soiling your pants as you are, like the others, thrown out the window.

3. How much does it cost?

“Is your money enough?… maybe.. read on”

The Revenge isn’t about prices. You’re not paying for the car, you’re paying the salesperson. The Revenge exists to upgrade your life, not to serve as a whore for the highest bidder. So it is only reasonable that each car be sold at $330. And if you check your neighborhood coupon book, you may find a coupon that lowers the price to $219. That or the coupon book may have found you.

4. What are the specs?

“So top secret, even the creator can’t read them.”

HorsePOWER

While most cars are judged by their horsepower, The Revenge did not want to associate itself with such a slow animal so instead of being judged by horses, it is judged by Cheetah power. The Revenge has a thousand Cheetah power. What does that mean in terms of speed? It means you have to decide whether you want to spend your time in the day or night. The Revenge’s top speed isn’t important because man is limited, not The Revenge.

LIGHTS

The lights have three settings, regular, high beam, and sunlight. Sunlight is for burning the retinas of deer as you mow them down while providing a little extra sunlight to your neighborhood trees.

SOUND

In terms of stereo control, it is all voice operated, no more people messing with YOUR music. The sound is glass and pelvic shattering, so drive near the old folks at your discretion.

PARKING

Do you hate having to squeeze into a spot in the city? Because while Lexus created a car that parks itself, The Revenge took it one step further. The Revenge’s wheels turn 180 degrees and if you don’t feel like finding a spot, a gas powered fork lift throws the car that is in YOUR new found spot.

GPS

Since you’ll be traveling faster than ever, you’re going to need maps and maybe a GPS system. The GPS won’t be some sissy barking directions at you. You’re looking a complete hologram reproduction of your GPS personality. The owners will ask you one question in regards to that. Whose voice do you want guiding you? Your choices are as follows:

50 Cent – Who knows the street better than fiddy?

Eminem – Because the “white rapper in you” needs to shine.

Stalin – He ran communist Russia, we’re confident he can run your life.

Hitler – It’s about time he served you.

POWER FEATURES

As for power features (power windows, locks, etc), The Revenge has so much power within its vehicle, it has a power gas lid. You don’t have to crank anything, even yourself. “Cranking” feature is available only upon request.

GAS

You won’t be showing off your gas powered lid at the gas station because The Revenge runs off your urine. Why? Because its there to prove what you waste is what makes it a better car. Unreasonable? You damn right.

BLING

All metal is platinum, including the 42 inch rims it rolls on.

5. Stipulations

“Allow us to clarify.”

You never own The Revenge. It is a mutual agreement that you respect each other. Once it is in your hands, you can’t go cruising around in sweats and a hoodie. The Revenge will gladly put a spike through your hand as you attempt to touch the wheel (included feature). The Revenge comes in all black, which is exactly the same color you should be wearing when rolling around it its awesomeness. If your company is anything less than a ten, consider The Revenge that best friend who won’t let you do what you’re thinking about doing.

Who can drive The Revenge and who can’t?

All the money in the world doesn’t mean jack when it comes to driving what Car and Driver Magazine will one day be calling, “the perfect car, if only we were cool enough to drive it.” Celebrities can’t pay their way into The Revenge. Below is a list who you thought might be able to drive this awesome vehicle but won’t… ever. However, there are a few celebrities who The Revenge might consider.

“Sorry Tom. But Oprah’s cool.”

Off the List:
Brad Pitt:Not man enough. When your partner has bigger testicles than you, you lose credibility.
Angelina Jolie: No kids allowed in the car, ever.
Tobie Maguire: It isn’t the vegetarianism The Revenge is against, it’s the snotty attitude.
Kirsten Dunst: Just because it’s fuel efficient doesn’t mean it cares about the environment. And that means it doesn’t care about you.
Nelly (male and female): You’re lucky to be able to drive a Bentley.

On the List:
Clive Owen: You took on the role as the driver in BMW films and you turned down the role of James Bond. You’re cooler than smoking.
Johnny Depp: So you pranced around in Pirates of the Caribbean, you’re still fresher than baby wipes.
Jay-Z: From Rocks to Rocafella, nuff said.
Diddy: So you’ve changed your name 5x, a self-made man from the hood by any other name would still drive The Revenge.
Scarlete Johanssen: So she gets around, now she has a way to do it.