“But I did remember the anal beads…”

Political laughingstock Attorney General Alberto Gonzales would like the House Judiciary Committee to stop focusing their “pretty little minds” on the scandal his mind does not recall taking place:

In prepared remarks he intends to deliver to the House Judiciary Committee when he testifies again on Capitol Hill today, the Attorney General told the lawmakers to move their pretty little minds past the U.S. Attorney scandal so that everyone at the Justice Department could get back to work. “The sooner that all the facts are known,” wrote the man who famously couldn’t or wouldn’t remember vital details last month before the Senate Judiciary Committee about his role in the controversy, “the sooner we can devote our exclusive attention” to protecting “the American people from the dangers of terrorism, violent crime, illegal drugs and sexual predators.”

So Gonzales finds the men of the Senate Judiciary Committee pretty.  That’s interesting. What is equally interesting is that he cannot remember anything about his interoffice interactions behind closed closet doors. Perhaps, just like a young Macaulay Culkin, Gonzales’ memory has been damaged by a series of drunken drug-enhanced homo-sex-encounters. After one donkey punch too many, it can be hard to remember the conversations that transpired before the barrage of alcohol, ecstasy, and anal fisting.

Gonzales’ parents attribute his downward spiral into illicit drug use and rave-style intercourse to peer pressure. After long time friend and rumored lover George W. Bush introduced Gonzales to the world of drinking and drugging, his self-destructive personality took over. In a matter of hours, Gonzales found himself blowing a lot more than just lines in bathroom stalls. It’s debatable whether the X holes in Gonzales’ brain are to blame, but like an alcoholic stepfather discussing the bruises on a child’s rectum, Gonzales cannot recall what might have happened, but surely mistakes were made.

*This is a guest post by James of thedrunklife.com