“Doing what she does best, being gross.”

Las Vegas, Nevada - Oh Britney Britney…where do we begin? For those of you out there without the gift of cable television-consider yourselves lucky. MTV held their annual Video Music Awards show yesterday at 9 PM at the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and opening the show was none other than Britney Spears. The opening of her performance started out with red lights, Britney silhouettes, thumping music, and then all we hear her say is, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Everyone cheers. Hearts are beating. They are filled with high hopes and the feeling of a thousand gnomes dancing happily in their stomachs. Then they realize it’s just diarrhea. Because that’s what this performance was: diarrhea. It had to be the WORST Britney performance ever.

From the first shot of the back of her greasy, extension-filled head, we should have known what to expect. She turns around, and there are blue contacts, a sequin bikini, and knee high black boots. Normally, this is something that would look good on Britney, circa 2001. Now however, it was just wrong. From her very first step she looked awkward and almost scared. She looked like the chubby girl in the club who’s wearing clothes that are way too tight so she can’t dance, but damn it she’s gonna try anyway. It was depressing. Britney used to be one of the biggest entertainers and one of the best dancers out there. Now she looked as if she didn’t even know who she was, where she was, or what she was doing. Not completely surprising, but sad nonetheless. Even though we predicted she would vomit on herself and pass out, this performance was actually much worse than that. It was like a bad car wreck that you just can’t look away from. She barely moved the entire time, she didn’t wash her extensions, and at some points during the lip-syncing, she didn’t even open her mouth. It’s aggravating that she felt it was necessary to subject everyone to that horrible display of laziness! If they put a giant Magic Eye picture up on the wall it would have been more entertaining. But that could also be because Magic Eye is the shit. And Britney was just diarrhea. Huge difference.