Topic: Conservative

In a recent interview with Time Magazine, George Clooney let an early presidential endorsement drop like Dapper Dan from his thick, damp, skull. Said Clooney:

CLOONEY: I’m just hoping Gingrich gets in. Come on, Newt! Actually there’s a really good field out there. I like Barack Obama a lot. I’ve spent some time with him… I’ve actually had that conversation with him, just saying “Look, I’ll give you whatever support you need—including staying completely away from you.”

I think that would be quite a good idea. Obama is plastic and bland enough on his own, and getting by on Hallmark speeches that are only matched in their lack of substance by…the latest Oceans 11 sequel. He doesn’t need an equally plastic Clooney standing next to him. Clooney is a ratpack Ken Doll and Obama is something out of a blacksploitation version of the film Mannequin.

Someone drown Danny Ocean

A memo recently linked from Hillary Clinton’s campaign urges the New York Senator to avoid Iowa and focus on later primary elections:

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s deputy campaign manager wrote a memo this week making the case for the Democratic presidential candidate to bypass the Iowa caucuses and focus on later contests in the nomination fight.

The memo by Mike Henry is a sign of division among the New York senator’s strategic advisers.

I don’t think this will be the first time anyone’s avoided Iowa. I’d go there, but I’m still traumatized by Howard Dean’s reverberating yowl from the last primary. The ghost of his presidential aspirations lives there. I hear sometimes it comes out of the corn and terrorizes children.

Iowa

“The Price of Gas is too high. My butler mentioned it to me and my driver reminded me that “people” aren’t happy about it.”

“This is sheer populism and displays an outrageous ignorance of basic economics.” explains Iain Murray (Economist) in response to the bill the House passed regarding the absurd price of gas. The bill prevents big companies from raising gas prices. Democrats think this is a splendid idea. Rep. Bart Stupak, Michigan Democrat said:

This is a first step in addressing the outrageous prices we are seeing at the gas pump.

Meanwhile Ohio Republican, John A. Boehner said:

This bill is all bark and no bite, and will do nothing to lower gas prices.

So as a recap, Democrats think this is a great idea. Republicans think this is a terrible idea. Economists say the government is ignoring basic economics. And I’m surprised you can actually fit hell in a hand-basket.

Off we: go.

“The dawning of a new American landscape.”

In an attempt to put some pressure on the President to end this war, Congress was hoping to remove funding for the troops so they would have no choice but to come home. Top Democrats were reported as saying that this concession lays the groundwork for future scuffles with the President. That is the equivalent to getting beat up and saying, “well at least I know how he fights, next time will be different.” James Moran, D-Va. had this to say:

It seems to me that Congress should exercise the power of the purse, reflecting the will of the people. I think the will of the people is that this war be brought to a conclusion.

Politicians don’t know what the will of the people is anymore. The people are the least important thing in politics. What it comes down to is that the decision about money will not be resolved quick enough. If money is taken away from this war, the Democrats are looked at as anti-American. If money is put in this war, the Republicans are looked at as war mongers. If this continues on the same way, the Military won’t be looked at all. Because they will all be dead.

This isn’t the DMV, let’s speed it: up.

Nancy Pelosi(center) demonstrates her “Give Your Kids a Dose of Whipass” Bill

Nancy Pelosi, she of the private jets, will be traveling to Greenland on what will be a sort of Global Warming World Tour:

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and a group of House members are planning to go to Greenland and Europe next week as part of what her critics have dubbed the “Global Warming Tour.”

Pelosi will be joined by Reps. Ed Markey (D-Mass.), Hilda Solis (D-Calif.), Stephanie Herseth-Sandlin (D-S.D.), Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), John Larsen (D-Conn.), Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.), and David Hobson (R-Ohio) on the trip, according to a draft itinerary of the trip circulating among House insiders and obtained by my Crypt-mate, Patrick O’Connor.

I don’t have to have been to Greenland to tell you that globe will be significantly warmed by a half a dozen or so congress members jumping in a massive government jet(or two) and then coming back and releasing all of that  hot air about how I need to conserve energy and end my addiction to gasoline.   I don’t need a world tour to tell me that Greenland used to be cold and now it’s warming up.  Or that before that, Greenland was warm enough to sustain a population, but most of that population succumbed to a famine brought on by pre-industrialized global cooling. Pre-industrialization.  It must have been a result of a Viking affinity for spray paint, nuclear waste, and slaughter of endangered species…in the 15th century.  Those Scandinavian fuckers were ahead of their time, you see.  It’s a wonder that we’re still here. 

 Nancy Pelosi succcks

“I CAN finish that whole pizza Mr. President. And I will!”

Michael Moore enjoys tackling sensitive issues in America. From gun control to the war, Moore has attacked everything in America but obesity (no surprise). With his new movie, “Sicko”, he states:

I hope people find it entertaining.

The poor health-care in this country is always worth a good laugh. As for his next big project? A comedy duo about twins who engage in a series of mischievous activities. Their hi-jinks catch up to them when they are aborted. Abortion never sounded so funny.

I might have a career in: comedy.

“Jimmuh” Carter does not have a high opinion of our current Prez:

Former President Carter says President Bush’s administration is “the worst in history” in international relations, taking aim at the White House’s policy of pre-emptive war and its Middle East diplomacy.

The criticism from Carter, which a biographer says is unprecedented for the 39th president, also took aim at Bush’s environmental policies and the administration’s “quite disturbing” faith-based initiative funding.

“I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history,” Carter told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette in a story that appeared in the newspaper’s Saturday editions. “The overt reversal of America’s basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including those of George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me.”

To which an administration spokesman replied:

“I think it’s sad that President Carter’s reckless personal criticism is out there,” Fratto told reporters. “I think it’s unfortunate. And I think he is proving to be increasingly irrelevant with these kinds of comments.”

Who knows? Perhaps Mr. Carter drank one too many Billy Beers and didn’t realize that the only difference between his administration and the Bush administration is that Americans have jobs these days. We’re still bogged down in the Middle East and gas isn’t any cheaper. At the end of the day, this is a war of words on par with the back stretch of a Special Olympics track meet, where all competitors are “special” and, in the end, no matter the outcome, everyone is a jug-headed, laughing retard.

It looks like our friends across the pond have come a long way since Auschwitz…if by a “long way” you mean a hop, skip, and a jump in a fiery anti-semitic circle…of DOOM!:

Thirty-nine percent of Europeans believe Jews have too much power in the business world, while 44% think Jews have too much power in international financial markets, according to the results of a survey published by the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) on Monday.

The survey of five European countries – France, Italy, Germany, Spain, and Poland – showed that a large number of Europeans continued to harbor anti-Jewish attitudes, holding on to the classical anti-Semitic canards and conspiracy theories that have haunted Jews through the centuries.

The survey also showed that large portions of the European public continue to believe that Jews still dwell too much on the Holocaust. Overall, 47% of those surveyed thought the statement was “probably true.”

The anonymity of surveys makes ‘em ugly things.  I once took an anonymous survey where I said it’s “probably true” that most French don’t dwell enough on the last time they bathed themselves, and that most British don’t dwell enough on whether or not “boiled” is a legitimate basis for an entire cuisine.  Polish people “didn’t dwell enough,” and black people “are always stealing my shit.”  The great part about the survey was that it was anonymous. You’ve come
a long way baby…

“Yes, that’s correct. ‘Sexy.’ I’m bringing sexy back.”

Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq where he discussed the Iranian nuclear situation with troops in a speech aboard the John C. Stennis:

US Vice President Dick Cheney warned Friday from the hangar deck of a US aircraft carrier in the Gulf that the United States will not let Iran get nuclear weapons. “We’ll stand with others to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons and dominating this region,” he told thousands of sailors on the nuclear-powered USS John C. Stennis as it cruised roughly 240 kilometres (150 miles) from Iran.

Cheney, who spoke as five warplanes stood arrayed behind him, said the US naval presence in the region sent “clear messages to friends and adversaries alike.”

If my college professors were right, we should believe him. After all, it’s a well known fact that our Dark Lord VP is in charge of the world, and Iran MUST, therefore, do his bidding. We know that he rules with an iron fist from his “Undisclosed Location”(believed to be located in Dimension X). Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il, and Bashar Assad are all robots built with Saudi oil money by Haliburton. George W. Bush is a trained monkey with a close shave who was raised in a special lab in Texas, which is connected via an underground tunnel to Area 51, where Condoleeza Rice originated. Finally, Sponge Bob Squarepants lives in a pineapple under the sea(absorbent and yellow and porous is he!).

I’m still awaiting my invite to the undisclosed location

“But I did remember the anal beads…”

Political laughingstock Attorney General Alberto Gonzales would like the House Judiciary Committee to stop focusing their “pretty little minds” on the scandal his mind does not recall taking place:

In prepared remarks he intends to deliver to the House Judiciary Committee when he testifies again on Capitol Hill today, the Attorney General told the lawmakers to move their pretty little minds past the U.S. Attorney scandal so that everyone at the Justice Department could get back to work. “The sooner that all the facts are known,” wrote the man who famously couldn’t or wouldn’t remember vital details last month before the Senate Judiciary Committee about his role in the controversy, “the sooner we can devote our exclusive attention” to protecting “the American people from the dangers of terrorism, violent crime, illegal drugs and sexual predators.”

So Gonzales finds the men of the Senate Judiciary Committee pretty.  That’s interesting. What is equally interesting is that he cannot remember anything about his interoffice interactions behind closed closet doors. Perhaps, just like a young Macaulay Culkin, Gonzales’ memory has been damaged by a series of drunken drug-enhanced homo-sex-encounters. After one donkey punch too many, it can be hard to remember the conversations that transpired before the barrage of alcohol, ecstasy, and anal fisting.

Gonzales’ parents attribute his downward spiral into illicit drug use and rave-style intercourse to peer pressure. After long time friend and rumored lover George W. Bush introduced Gonzales to the world of drinking and drugging, his self-destructive personality took over. In a matter of hours, Gonzales found himself blowing a lot more than just lines in bathroom stalls. It’s debatable whether the X holes in Gonzales’ brain are to blame, but like an alcoholic stepfather discussing the bruises on a child’s rectum, Gonzales cannot recall what might have happened, but surely mistakes were made.

*This is a guest post by James of thedrunklife.com