October 26th, 2007
“Does this make them even more desperate?”
The fall television season is upon us and so are the MILFs of Wisteria Lane. Lock up your gardeners and teen age boys this, is The WTF Files!
iReporters – WTF?!?
CNN is cheapening the profession of journalism with its iReport initiative, which turns ‘one’ this week. And like most one year-olds their iReporters do nothing more babble, slobber and annoy the hell out of the older reporters, and I can’t even say they’re all that cute.
If a 24/7 news format is too much for CNN to handle they should create additional Wolf Blitzer clones. Otherwise, hire more professional reporters because the last thing I want to see on AC 360 is my grandmother covering the next California wildfire… she carries around an oxygen tank to breath.
Birth Order – WTF?!?
According to a Norwegian study the order in which you were born says a lot about who you are, much like how the being the eldest usually says you’re a dick. We’re playing with fire when we start playing favorites and that’s just what this study does.
The study states that being the eldest means being a natural leader and a problem solver, that you have a great hair and you get all the chicks. No where do they make mention of being a good at making apologies. So if you’re the eldest now might be the time to pick up the phone and tell your little brother you’re sorry for teaching him how to smoke. He believed you when you said it was cool.
October 19th, 2007
I’m glad I don’t live in California:
City health officials took steps Thursday toward opening the nation’s first legal safe-injection room, where addicts could shoot up heroin, cocaine and other drugs under the supervision of nurses.Hoping to reduce San Francisco’s high rate of fatal drug overdoses, the public health department co-sponsored a symposium on the only such facility in North America, a four-year-old Vancouver site where an estimated 700 intravenous users a day self-administer narcotics under the supervision of nurses.
Nothing says “thank you middle class, for working hard and making good decisions…not to mention paying your obscenely high taxes” quite like rewarding a bunch of ingrate douchebags who can’t handle their shit. It’s nice to know that if I decide to give up on my life and shoot narcotics into my veins I’ll have a place to go pass out and piss all over myself.
link and a nod
October 18th, 2007
“Now that his photo is on OverAdulthood, it won’t be long before he is caught.”
Bangkok, Thailand – Christopher Paul Neil has been eluding police for years. He has been on three continents escaping police while on his pleasure path of molesting children. Three thai teens came forward claiming Neil paid them for sex while they between the ages of 9 and 14. Leading the investigation Police Col. Apichart Suribunya (love the name) had this to say:
We are quite certain he is still in Thailand and we think we are moving closer. Even if he uses a fake passport to try to get out of the country, his pictures are already published everywhere.
You know the Thai don’t fuck around. If you’re gonna buy sex, they give you plenty of options to pick up someone at least 16. One time I recall a very young Thai prostitute walking the streets with a man wearing nothing but thermal. I tried to buy her freedom away from him, but she was a sucker for thermal. Aren’t we all though?
go thai cops go!
October 18th, 2007
“Mona didn’t know how to tell her husband Bill she was going bald.”
San Francisco, California –
People Art nuts always wondered what happened to Mona Lisa’s eyebrows and eye lashes. Was Leonardo DaVinci trying to glorify hair loss? A engineer and inventor, Pascal Cotte, claims to have found the answer. Using his own camera, he magnified an image of the painting and was able to find proof that there used to be eyebrows and eye lashes. As Cotte said:
And if you look closely at the eye of ‘Mona Lisa’ you can clearly see that the cracks around the eye have slightly disappeared, and that may be explained that one day a curator or restorer cleaned the eye, and cleaning the eye, removed, probably removed the eyelashes and eyebrow.
About time they put that mystery to bed. Next, they should take on finding out what happened to Whoopi Goldberg’s eyebrows because I’m sure people have been wondering for ages.
October 15th, 2007
“Comment if you can actually see the dog covered in lime, because I can’t”
San Juan, Puerto Rico – Government animals workers were hired to remove dozens of animals from the projects of Barceloneta and instead of bringing them to the shelter, workers threw them off a bridge. Spit that damage control Mayor Sol Luis Fontanez:
This is an irresponsible, inhumane and shameful act.
Yeah because the commonwealth of Puerto Rico really needs to be focusing on animal welfare. What really boggles the mind was that the workers were paid $60 for each animal recovered and $100 for each animal brought to the shelter. Then again, this is the same country’s whose parade in NYC is known for poorly planned actions and thoughts. Alma Febus, an animal welfare activist, had this to say:
They came as if it were a drug raid. They took away dogs, cats and whatever animal they could find. Some pets were taken away in front of children.
These were stray animals. I’m all for animals, but they need to pick up each animal activist and throw them in a country like India where animals run in wild packs attacking people. They don’t call America the land of opportunity because you can work minimum wage at Wal-Mart, it’s also because you can comfortably walk most of the streets (sorry Midwest) and not fear being attacked by rabies induced animals.
here kitty here
October 9th, 2007
I guess that whole Gitmo place is a mixed bag. Some prisoners get beaten, some prisoners throw poop at the guards, some prisoners get loose and go back to war, and other prisoners go to Saudi Arabia, where…GUESS WHAT THEY’VE WON!!!
The Saudi Arabian government will temporarily release 55 prisoners recently transferred from the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and will give each of them about $2,600 to celebrate the upcoming Muslim holiday of Eid al-Fitr, a newspaper reported Saturday. Saudi Interior Minister Prince Nayef bin Abdul Aziz granted the temporary releases from detention centers in Saudi Arabia so the prisoners could spend time with their families during the holiday in mid-October, the Okaz newspaper reported.
Yesterday was Columbus Day, which celebrates the crowning achievement of Western Imperialism, the United States. There’s nothing quite like celebrating the superiority of Western Civilization by allowing a bunch of rag head scumbags who stone gays and women and believe Jews to be vampires to return home to a hero’s welcome because the greatest power in the history of the world prostitutes itself before an otherwise useless regime. Verrrrry pussy! Moreover, I have to say, I feel like there’s a double standard at work here. I once robbed a bank while singing God Bless America, and all I got for it was hard time, a decades worth of nightmares and an anal retread.
October 9th, 2007
“Professional killer, pathetic taste in clothing.”
Moscow, Russia – Most people don’t know that in Russia, there has been a serial killer on the loose terrorizing Moscow. Alexander Pichushkin, 33, was dubbed the “Chessboard Killer” as he would note the people he killed on a chessboard. It’s bad enough the country has a population decline, now they had to deal with some nut who didn’t have chess pieces. Most of the gruesome murders took place in Bittsa Park where Pichushkin would get his victims drunk and throw them into a sewage pit. After getting tired of that method, he would beat his victims to death and leave them at the scene of the crime. As he described his first kill:
It’s like first love — it’s unforgettable.
He could have just gotten some ass, that is always unforgettable too. He went on to say:
For me, a life without murder is like a life without food for you. I felt like the father of all these people, since it was I who opened the door for them to another world.
The last time I checked, a good parental figure opens the door to opportunity, not the underworld.
October 8th, 2007
“The losers get used as sandbags to hold off flood damage.”
Beijing, China – A storm that killed five people on Sunday prompted an evacuation of 1.4 million
people bitches. How are you going to let mother nature tell you what to do? In Vietnam, they are braving it out. Vietnam’s provincial disaster official Pham Hong Thuong kept it gully by spitting something real:
Communication to many parts of the province is still cut off. The death toll is likely to rise. Because that is how gangsta we keep it in the Nam!
Well maybe not all of that quote is true but China even had to cancel the vacation of flood control workers who were probably watching the Special Olympics in their town of Shanghai. I know that would ruin my day if I had to cancel my time off watching retards have drool competitions to “help people.” Hopefully they will incorporate the strong man competition with the Special Olympics to make it up to the Chinese. Maybe seeing how many wheel bound nuts steroid induced freaks from eastern Europe can carry in one trip? Still don’t know why I’m not working in television.
I’m a visionary, vision is: scary.
October 4th, 2007
“As in they just found a boat load of dismembered bodies! Yeah I gave away the opening!”
Moscow, Russia – Just when they thought it was safe to rebuild that 19th century Moscow house, officials found the remains of about three dozen bodies . Police officials are opening up an investigation to find the identities of the bodies. The house used to belong to a famous czarist-era family, the Sheremyetevs. On top of that, the estate was located near a former KGB headquarter. This investigation will probably be closed before I’m done writing this post on account of that old catchy saying:
What happens in czarist-era in Russia, stays in czarist-era Russia.
They also made a commercial about it. Remember? This woman asks her husband what he wants to eat for breakfast and he screams “Get in line!” in russian. Then she gives him this “oh honey” look with her hands to her side and her head tilted. Meanwhile the camera cuts to him hallucinating where he is shooting like thirty odd some people. The screen goes black and it just says “Czarist-Era Russia!” with little lights around it and the song “viva la russia” playing in the background.
flip that tinactin!
October 3rd, 2007
“Safe to the Taint.”
Dinner Is ON! – I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.