Topic: Democratic

“Hmm that photo guy looks mighty tasty, but what is he jerking off to?”

Belgrade, Serbia - A 23 year old man was found naked, clothes set aside, inside a bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo during the annual beer festival. The two adult bears, Masha and Misha, dragged the man’s half eaten body into the corner to finish eating. Zoo director Vuk Bojovic had this to say:

There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.

Well I’m going to say drugged because in my infinite experience, nothing gets me hornier than two bears to snuggle up to. Especially during a festival where loving may be plenty, but the fur is limited. But to call him an idiot, now that’s just mean.

Yum Grizzly!

“Masterful and tasteful.”

Over The Pond - Flying over the Atlantic on Friday, Britain’s Royal Air Force’s (RAF) new Typhoon F2 aircraft spotted Russian Bear-H bombers. Part of what Russia calls “routine patrols,” Putin plan on exercising that:

Russia … faces the task of maintaining supremacy in producing military aircraft.

I know what you’re thinking, this is just like the Cold War all over again. But you have to keep in mind, Lenin never visited Camp David and frolicked with the president. Putin and the boys just want a little respect. It’s sort of like when guys wear cut off shirts to show off the work they have been putting in at the gym. Sure it looks questionable, but it’s mainly for attention. Actual pic here:

Putin, you’re still aight.

“Now multiply it by 4.”

Dubai, UAE - Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, is a one legged Emriti with 78 children. He has had 15 wives but has had to divorce them in order to stay within the legal limit of 4 wives. Abdul Rahman hopes to have 100 children before 2015. As he said:

In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children. After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.

The kicker is that Abdul Rahman lives off a military pension and the support of the Ajman emirate, the one that controls Dubai. If someone was living off a military pension and child support in the U.S with 78 children, I could only imagine their diet would consist of roadkill and reduced price cans of Friskees.

I’ve always been fond of Chicken Tuna.

Citing some of the logic that’s sure to win the Democrats the next general election, Hilary Clinton reasoned that:

New military tactics in Iraq are working but the best way to honor U.S. soldiers is “by beginning to bring them home,” Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton told war veterans Monday.

Clinton, seeking the Democratic nomination for president, praised the work that soldiers have done in Iraq but described the government there as “on vacation,” leaving American troops in the middle of a sectarian war.

Very convenient. Mrs. Clinton stuck her finger in the air a week after General Petraeus suggested that the surge would probably result in a scale down. I can smell her from here, and I don’t mean that rotting stench between her legs. I can understand how she’s ahead of Edwards, who looks like he was dreamed up by Karl Rove, but how she’s blowing Obama away I have no idea. The woman looks like my German kindergarten teacher who used to single out all the lazy fat girls, grab me by the ear, and call me stupid, and all her positions are made up, safe, and visibly false. I’d rather have Ralph Nader than this lesbian chipmunk from Hell.

“Album droppin’ October 15, 2007″

Papua New Guinea - The descendants of cannibalistic tribes in Papua New Guinea apologized for eating British missionaries 132 years ago. The Reverend George Brown found his colleague’s bones and narrowly escaped with his own life after a run in with the natives. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been there to begin with. Commissioner, Ratu Isoa Delamisi Tikoca, who represents the Queen in Fiji, told the tribe leaders:

We are deeply touched and wish you the greatest joy of forgiveness as we finally end this record disagreement.

This problem wouldn’t have happened if the Brits spent their creating a time machine instead of converting people. Busta Rhymes had the answer. As Busta put it:

My homey Treach from Naughty by Nature once said, “If you ain’t from the ghetto, don’t come to the fuckin ghetto”

The same should probably be applied to rural areas of the world that really don’t want or need Christianity.

Food: happens.

“Despite the despair, illness, and years of future therapy she will need, she is kind of cute. ”

Kabul, Afghanistan - Just as deadlines were slowly passing away, word from the Taliban about the Korean hostages was looking grim but today brought in some good news as two female hostages were freed. As the Taliban continues to hold 16 women and three men, the release was shown as an act of good will. The captives, Kim Ji-na, 32, and Kim Kyong-ja, 37, were reportedly ill and sent home from this crisis. According to South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency, South Korean Foreign Minister Song Min-soon said the government was:

moving to win the rest of our citizens held hostage through various means.

South Korea may have had a side deal under the table with the Taliban after getting shit by OverAdulthood for not caring enough about this situation. But Afghanistan doesn’t plan on budging either because it is still getting flack for releasing five terrorists in exchange of an Italian journalist. Banking off this “sick hostage” release plea, a German engineer, Rudolf Blechschmidt, who was captured last month, phoned in saying how he was sick and wanted to come home. His plea and conversation seemed as if it was read off a paper (according to authorities) and Germany has yet to make any attempt in trying to rescue the engineer. In fact Germany might have released this statement in regards to Blechschmidt:

so what?

That isn’t looking good for Blechschmidt. For Rudolf, this may be the worst time to be German… and love David Hasselhoff. Also, his last name sounds like two methods of excretion.

Always throw Dave in, for good: measure

It appears the French are getting out of the champagne industry, thereby creating a worldwide shortage:

Vineyard owners in eastern France are refusing to sell tens of millions of bottles stocked in their cellars because they see them as their retirement “nest-eggs”.

The result is that the most prestigious French champagne houses are having trouble keeping pace with rising demand in the US and emerging markets such as Russia, China and India.

Ok so maybe this isn’t THAT newsworthy, but how often do you see someone building their retirement on the back of prostitutes and wannabe rappers?  BESIDES Ice T.  Anyway, Champagne is to alcohol what “grillz” are to jewelry.

Cristal sippin

“Chinese Tires hard at work, crashing your car.”

Newark, New Jersey - Just when you thought it was safe to have something “Made in China,” 225,000 tires were recently recalled by Foreign Tire Inc because of its inability to meet National Highway Traffic Safety Administration standards. At this point, the only thing that may meet standards in China are fake Nikes. The original amount for the recall was around 450,000 by Foreign Tire Sales itself. Richard Kuskin, president of Foreign Tire Sales had this to say:

Consumers should know that the affected tires meet all federal motor vehicle safety standards. But we went the extra mile by testing them and determining that they did not meet our standards, which are more rigorous.

This extra mile sounds a little suspect, even a little dirty. Meanwhile the Chinese rubber company, Hangzhou Zhongce Rubber Co. plans to comply with the NHTSA although it:

has not found any evidence that the … tires at issue contain any structural defects or are missing any safety features.

With all this hoopla coming in from every direction, you’re better off fishing your tires out of a river than putting anything that says “Made in China” on your car.

Made in: CNN

“Now we will vote on whether cats deserve the right to vote or not.”

Afghanistan - In a recent development, Taliban spokesman, Qari Yousef, agreed to trade two gravely sick female Korean Hostages in return for two women who are in jail for housing and feeding Taliban soldiers. The South Korean government isn’t buying it. According to South Korea’s foreign minister, Song Min-soon:

The health problems of two female hostages, said to be in critical condition in domestic and foreign media reports, are not serious. The hostages can’t be perfectly healthy after nearly 20 days in captivity. In that sense, they are not healthy on the whole. There has been no symptom of any of the hostages being critically ill.

That makes no sense. I understand the whole “not negotiating with terrorists” idea but at least pull a decent reason our of your ass. “No symptom of any of the hostages being critically ill,” are they expecting to find vomit on the side of the road that suggests otherwise? I wouldn’t be surprised if all of the Korean hostages were gravely ill.

Continue »

“Ahh yes, I love me a good cup of delusion in the morning.”

Afghanistan - Coming fresh off a gay romp at Camp David with President Bush, Afghanistan’s Prime Minister, Hamid Karzai, told the AP that the Taliban no longer pose a threat to the government of Afghanistan. Speak Karzai:

The Taliban do pose dangers to our innocent people, to children going to school, to our clergy, to our teachers, to our engineers, to international aid workers, they’re not posing any threat to the government of Afghanistan. They’re not posing any threat to the institutions of Afghanistan or to the buildup of institutions of Afghanistan.

As to where those twenty-one Korean hostages fit is anyone’s guess. Maybe they imposed a law that if you’re spreading Christianity, you’re clearly not part of the “build up of institutions of Afghanistan.” But I can only imagine what this “buildup” is. Maybe it includes having livestock that aren’t used for target practice or growing crops that aren’t opium. Or maybe not..

you can cash that reality check: here.