The fall television season is upon us and so are the MILFs of Wisteria Lane. Lock up your gardeners and teen age boys this, is The WTF Files!
iReporters – WTF?!?
CNN is cheapening the profession of journalism with its iReport initiative, which turns ‘one’ this week. And like most one year-olds their iReporters do nothing more babble, slobber and annoy the hell out of the older reporters, and I can’t even say they’re all that cute.
If a 24/7 news format is too much for CNN to handle they should create additional Wolf Blitzer clones. Otherwise, hire more professional reporters because the last thing I want to see on AC 360 is my grandmother covering the next California wildfire… she carries around an oxygen tank to breath.
Birth Order – WTF?!?
According to a Norwegian study the order in which you were born says a lot about who you are, much like how the being the eldest usually says you’re a dick. We’re playing with fire when we start playing favorites and that’s just what this study does.
The study states that being the eldest means being a natural leader and a problem solver, that you have a great hair and you get all the chicks. No where do they make mention of being a good at making apologies. So if you’re the eldest now might be the time to pick up the phone and tell your little brother you’re sorry for teaching him how to smoke. He believed you when you said it was cool.
Dinner Is ON! – I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.
Cambridge, Massachusetts – The dream of the $100 laptop has faded fast with the rising costs of silicon and nickel parts causing an increase of $88. The soon to be released $188 “XO” laptop doesn’t seem to have the same appealing name. However, orders totaling up to 3 million units have been requested by various countries like Thailand, Brazil, and Libya. Tech nerds like Wayan Vota, the former director of the Geekcorps international tech-development organization and current editor of the OLPCNews blog had this to squeak:
Where does it end? It started out at $130, then it was $148, then it was $176, now it’s $188 — what’s next? $200? You have these governments who were looking at this original, fanciful $100-per-child figure, now we’re going up towards or maybe past $200.
$200 a laptop is still a pretty damn good price. I once got a laptop for $500 because it “fell off the back of a dell truck.” Nevertheless, this gives children the ability to really get hands on with their own personal computer. They could tinker with it and see the inner workings. Maybe kids could aspire to be someone as tech savvy as:
Nothing says artistic creativity and technological know-how like special bottles of wine!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – As to why anyone would want to claim credit for the emoticon “:-)” is beyond reasonable thinking but Carnegie Mellon University professor Scott E. Fahlman said he was the first to use it in an email. In an email dated September 19, 1982, Fahlman wrote:
I propose the following character sequence for joke markers: Read it sideways.
I thought Carnegie Mellon held some prestige. I guess I was wrong since you have a professor claiming to be the first person to use smiley faces on the keyboard. Fahlman went on to say:
I’ve never seen any hard evidence that the sequence was in use before my original post, and I’ve never run into anyone who actually claims to have invented it before I did. But it’s always possible that someone else had the same idea — it’s a simple and obvious idea, after all.
The idea of someone wanting to claim the idea of smiley faces is almost as absurd as someone wanting to claim to be “the most downloaded woman on the Internet.” Oh wait. Then it is almost as absurd as someone wanting to claim to be the first person to use the term “information superhighway.” Nevermind. Cheap shots at Al Gore and Cindy Margolis aside, perhaps Fahlman should create a signature emoticon that best expresses who he is, an ass.
One thing’s for sure…when it’s a slow news day, there’s always something mortifying and/or horrific going on in Africa…
The World Health Organisation said Tuesday that five cases of the deadly Ebola virus had been confirmed in the Democratic Republic of Congo, after dozens of people succumbed to an unidentified illness in recent months. The five cases of the viral hemorrhagic illness were confirmed in western Kasai in the centre of the vast African country, WHO spokeswoman Fadela Chaib told journalists in Geneva.
Ebola causes the patient to bleed under the skin and in severe cases, from the mouth, ears and eyes. The virus, which has no known cure, is highly infectious for those who come into contact with a victim’s body fluids
The only thing I know about the Congo is that Billy Joel said there are Belgians there. I’m going to be honest here: I don’t care. Since I was two it’s been blahblah Africa AIDS blahblah Africa hunger blahblah hideous disease that causes organ failure and the shits…I don’t care! Excuse me now, I’ve got a children sandwich to eat.
“Countries operating a missing kids website. Apparently Asia just doesn’t give a damn.”
Washington - Inspired by the milk carton ads of the 1980s, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in partnership with Global Software launched a screensaver that scrolls through pictures of missing children. Because that certainly looks like something people would want to see when a computer goes idle. Ron Koning, Global Software’s vice president, has high hopes many public places will download the screensaver. As he said:
any area with high traffic. Where it will catch the most eyes.
2100 kids go missing each day. As to how they plan to update the screensaver is anyone’s guess. But what I do know is that if I see a pervert at a public library computer with a massive boner without actually touching anything (on the computer that is), then this will have been successful, if their intentions were to provide free auto scrolling child porn.
Alberta, Canada - While some computer scientists improve computers, Canadian scientsts improve computers at Checkers. Jonathan Schaeffer and his crackpot team finally developed a computer that can only win or tie at Checkers. As said by Schaeffer:
I think we’ve raised the bar, and raised it quite a bit, in terms of what can be achieved in computer technology and artificial intelligence.
Phase one: create 500 billion combinations at checkers with artificial intelligence complete. Now onto phase two: Apply techniques learned to build a girlfriend who will listen to Schaeffer talk about Magic the Gathering for endless hours.
Cairns, Australia- The Great Barrier Reef is considered one of the most beautiful living objects in the world. As global warming threatens the planet, many suspected the Reef had no chance of survival. As the Reef said:
Yeah I know I was the underdog going into this. But let’s not forget it is you humans who keep beating me with your boats to send millions of tourists to mess around on me. As if that wasn’t hard enough, jerks.
The truth does hurt. Australian scientists have discovered that the Reef has heat sustaining algae which helps it deal with the increase in temperature. Madeleine van Oppen, marine scientist, had this to say:
This work shatters the popular view that only a small percentage of corals have the potential to respond to warmer conditions by shuffling live-in algal partners. Simply, when conditions warm the more heat-tolerant algae provide back-up, become more abundant. Some algal types impart greater resistance to environmental extremes.
To which the Reef responded:
Blah blah blah. This algae business you discovered is the equivalent to wearing a t-shirt instead of a sweater. I don’t marvel at you for doing that.
Montreal, Canada – After the whole debacle with the airlines, Andrew Speaker has led a relatively pseudo celebrity life. He has been all over the news specials with reporters interviewing him with masks on. People tracing where he traveled to. News stations crawling up his ass. All this for a guy who was out spreading his T.B. As if the guy pricking people with AIDS needles will be on Dateline next week.
What really boggles the mind is how is he still alive if his form of TB is deadly. Doctors have claimed it isn’t as bad at they thought. Then I guess it really isn’t all that deadly if he has had it for so long. Everything was going good for Speaker until Nissam Tabri filed a lawsuit against Speaker on claims that he was given TB on that Czech flight. Tabri and eight other people have stepped forward to make claims against the TB traveller. Sadly the only person to test positive was a 72 yr old man. When the Speaker’s family heard of a possible lawsuit, Ted Speaker (Andrew’s father) said:
If (they) want to sue us, (they) have to sue us here.
Implying that they wouldn’t be traveling to Montreal. The client lawyers, Nguyen claimed:
he doesn’t expect the case will see the inside of a courtroom until next spring at the earliest.
If anything, with all this worthless publicity, the only thing Speaker should see is the inside of is solitary confinement.
Honolulu, Hawaii – The Natural Energy Laboratory Hawaii Authority recently came across an interesting find. A half octopus, half squid was found in the pipeline that sucks up cold water from 3,000 feet below sea level. When interviewed, the “Octosquid” had this to say:
Yeah baby! I’m the best of the two. Half octopus, half squid: all hands. Come and get your love.
The Octosquid will be studied at the University of Hawaii and then promptly eaten. Or not.