Topic: Liberal

A report in the publication Financial Post by a Canadian professor of geosciences says it’s not global warming we should be worried about, but old standby global cooling:

Solar scientists predict that, by 2020, the sun will be starting into its weakest Schwabe solar cycle of the past two centuries, likely leading to unusually cool conditions on Earth. Beginning to plan for adaptation to such a cool period, one which may continue well beyond one 11-year cycle, as did the Little Ice Age, should be a priority for governments. It is global cooling, not warming, that is the major climate threat to the world, especially Canada. As a country at the northern limit to agriculture in the world, it would take very little cooling to destroy much of our food crops, while a warming would only require that we adopt farming techniques practiced to the south of us.

I’m just not getting this. It’s because of the sun? Where does Dick Cheney fit in here? How does this fit into Halliburton’s nefarious plan to drill for oil and take over a world that is a combination garbage dump/barren desert wasteland patrolled by Mel Gibson dressed as Mad Max, riding around exterminating Jews and assorted other minorities? How could Al Gore be wrong about this??!!

Al Gore has probably had it up to here.

“To infinity and beyond!!”

Indian-American astronaut, Sunita Williams, will end up breaking the US record for longest stay in space. As quoted by the geeks at the NewScientist.com:

Carl Walz and Dan Bursch set the US record for the longest single spaceflight in 2002, when they flew for 196 days. On Monday, the current space station commander, Michael Lopez-Alegria, will break that record and will set a new one of 214 days if he lands as planned on 20 April. But that record will probably be shattered on 11 July by station astronaut Sunita Williams, who has been in space since December 9, 2006. That is because her ride home on the shuttle Endeavour, two shuttle flights from now, is not likely to launch as planned on 28 June.

Of course she will have to face challenges coming back to earth like adjusting to gravity and washing all those dishes she avoided while space. Oooh!
I love my: mom

“Nose like a needle..”

The rare bird made its first appearance in Kingsbury Reservoir, in north-west London in over 141 years. Martin Wagner, a spokesman for a charity group looking to improve conditions in the park had said:

The sighting of the squacco heron is a great success for the company as well as for wildlife.

When rocker Pete Doherty was informed, he replied:

I don’t see the big deal. I knew heron was back. I injected some last week.

…

First sex, now: drugs.

“Yum.”

Nadi was one of the few white rhinos left in the world. She along with 2 others are the only three in captive in the western world. The San Diego Zoo now mourns the loss of Nadi to old age. The San Diego Zoo had this to say:

there are six at a zoo in the Czech Republic and as few as five believed to be roaming in the African wild.

Rhinos in the Czech Republic? This doesn’t look good. Cutting our losses and making some nice jackets looks like the ideal way to go.

Sloooowww news… day!

According to recent national weather reports, global warming went on vacation in April.

The average temperature in April 2007 was 51.7 F. This was -0.3 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average, the 47th coolest April in 113 years. The temperature trend for the period of record (1895 to present) is 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit per decade.

2.09 inches of precipitation fell in April. This was -0.34 inches less than the 1901-2000 average, the 30th driest such month on record. The precipitation trend for the period of record (1895 to present) is 0.01 inches per decade.

Quite frankly, I didn’t notice. I learned at an early age to stick my hands down my pants when it got cold, and “oila!,” warmth arrived. I liked it so much I never really took them out. It could have been thirty, but my balls and I were roasty toasty.

It’s a wonder I haven’t gotten arrested

“Two men’s passion, one green love…”

Ex-Vice US President Al Gore may be Ga-Ga for Green but Canada’s Environment Minister, John Baird will not be taking crap from him. Recently, Baird released a plan to reduce “intensity emissions” (cool way of saying greenhouse-gas emissions) in Canada. Gore fired back calling Baird’s plan:

In my opinion, it is a complete and total fraud. It is designed to mislead the Canadian people.

Baird was clearly pissed off about it and had this to say about Gore:

I wish Al Gore had asked to be briefed on the plan. I wish he would have read the plan.

The message was obviously coded. What it really says is: “This doesn’t involve you, sit down and shut up.” Gore didn’t have a chance to shoot back but his rep had this say:

Obviously he had a chance to read and review it.

With a comeback like that, she might as well have said nothing at all. This was the BEST part, Baird wasn’t done shit talking as he said:

It is difficult to accept criticism from someone who preaches about climate change, but who never submitted the Kyoto Protocol to a vote in the United States Senate, who never did as much as Canada is now doing to fight climate change during eight years in office.

If you skipped that, go back and read it. Now that is also code for: “Do you have anything left to say now? EHH!!” Of course this was then turned into whether this job was being done better by Liberals/Conservatives. In the end both sides were sounding very dumb because the Earth doesn’t care about politics.

I make fun of people with humor news and I still: care.

“So where do the ghosts come out of?”

There is a new Pac-Man tournament! From XBox 360 and Namco Bandai Games (presented by Quiznos), there will be a World Tournament to finally find who is the greatest Pac-Man player. So call up your grandson and see if he has Xbox 360. Because from April 25th to May 9th, fans will be able to play Pac-Man on Xbox Live Arcade. The top scores on the leaderboard (from different countries) will go on to compete in a final competition, granting they don’t die from old age. As they said:

Top finalists from Asia, Australia/New Zealand, Canada, Japan, and Mexico will be joined by two finalists from Europe and the US. The winners will be flown to New York City for the finals on June 5th, and the final winner will be crowned Xbox 360 ‘Pac-Man’ World Champion by Toru Iwatani, creator of ‘Pac-Man.

They will also be joined by the one lunatic who sends in a video expressing why they are the biggest loser Pac-Man fan. The winner of the world tournament will also recieve:

[besides the world title] including 26 years of free Quiznos toasted subs; 100,000 Microsoft Points for games, movies, and other fun content available on Xbox Live; and a one-of-a-kind Xbox 360 featuring a special design inspired by ‘Pac-Man.

Anyone in this tournament is more likely to need depends and bonding creme.

I don’t care for Pac-Man.

“Someone bought this??!?”

A buyer recently made a purchase of mammoth proportions at a Christie’s auction. A pun in the morning keeps the retardation away. Anyway, the purchaser, who’s name will not be made public, bought the skeleton of a 15,000 year old Siberian mammoth. It’s no surprise the name wasn’t released, you start to lose credibility as someone sane when you’re wasting your money on carcasses. At the cost of $352,196, the mammoth skeleton is 12 feet high. The owner of these precious bones are going to need quite the mansion to house this beast. Of course some people weren’t happy with this purchase. It isn’t enough that this buyer is an ass who is wasting his/her money trying to create some sort of “game room.” Paleontologist Pascal Tassy, professor at Paris’ Natural History Museum, had more than just hating the rich to bitch about:

It is a pernicious consequence of the Jurassic Park effect. We are in a liberal system, in which everything can be sold. In the past, private collectors donated to museums, it was a great time of patronage. Nowadays we make money off anything.

Almost like how people pay for you to go play in the dirt to find bones.

I once tried to buy bones, but the morgue told me to stop: calling

“Ahh I can’t wait to fish in Russian waters!”

Some countries accept the fact that parts of their country don’t have power. Other countries may even look for an alternative source such as wind energy or a nearby waterfall. Russia decides its best to build floating nuclear power plants. In a plan that looks oddly familiar to the last scene in Spider-man 2, Russia will be spending $200 million for this floating plant. Russia’s energy ministry (Minatom) claims the plant will have an operational life of 12-15 years. Minatom also claims that these power plants could power energy poor regions. They “could” power a region or they could power the nuclear submarine building firm which helped finance this project to begin with. Neat underwater boats are always cooler than poor people. Charles Digges, editor of the Norwegian-based Bellona website, had this to say:

There are risks of the unit itself sinking, there are risks in towing the units to where they need to be.

Even if the radius of disaster is one kilometer as Minatom claims, the ecological effect would be horrendous. Polar bears don’t need extra limbs to kill with and frankly giant penguins should remain only in comic books. As Russia plans to move its nuclear usage from 17% to 25%, one word comes to mind. Chernobyl.

Russia might make nuclear powered tv: remotes

It appears Froz Fruit ain’t just a popsicle:

A brutally cold surge of arctic air into the eastern half of the United States will easily bring record-low temperatures on Easter morning and could cause significant losses in some of the nation’s most prolific agricultural areas. High pressure building toward the Southeast will bring calm winds and clear skies, which combined with the very cold air mass in place, will allow temperatures in many cities to challenge the coldest lows ever reached during the month of April. The cold will severely tax peach orchards across Georgia, and strawberry orchards throughout the Southeast. Bitter cold will also be felt throughout the wheat-growing areas of the Midwest and central Plains.

It’s obvious the citizens in these shoddy Midwestern regions are far too consumed making moonshine, tippin cows, and sexin up their cousins to get up with modern times. It’s supposed to be an arid, uninhabitable desert, or maybe it’s that the lakes will flood over and they’ll have to become shrimpin boat captains, but the shrimp will be large, unfriendly, and impervious to  all the shrimpnet technology modern man has to offer. I don’t know much about this global warming stuff aside from what Al Gore told me. My only explanation here is that the midwest is so backwards that it’s still stuck in the era where we were supposed to fear global cooling. If that’s the case, wouldn’t moving to Wisconsin be a whole lot easier than driving around in sci-fi golf carts that run on corn and smell like farts? I figure we can by ourselves 20 years by taking our ecologically irresponsible selves to God’s Country.

I guess NASCARS be eco friendly