The fall television season is upon us and so are the MILFs of Wisteria Lane. Lock up your gardeners and teen age boys this, is The WTF Files!
iReporters – WTF?!?
CNN is cheapening the profession of journalism with its iReport initiative, which turns ‘one’ this week. And like most one year-olds their iReporters do nothing more babble, slobber and annoy the hell out of the older reporters, and I can’t even say they’re all that cute.
If a 24/7 news format is too much for CNN to handle they should create additional Wolf Blitzer clones. Otherwise, hire more professional reporters because the last thing I want to see on AC 360 is my grandmother covering the next California wildfire… she carries around an oxygen tank to breath.
Birth Order – WTF?!?
According to a Norwegian study the order in which you were born says a lot about who you are, much like how the being the eldest usually says you’re a dick. We’re playing with fire when we start playing favorites and that’s just what this study does.
The study states that being the eldest means being a natural leader and a problem solver, that you have a great hair and you get all the chicks. No where do they make mention of being a good at making apologies. So if you’re the eldest now might be the time to pick up the phone and tell your little brother you’re sorry for teaching him how to smoke. He believed you when you said it was cool.
OA – Salmonella linked to meat pies have been located in over a dozen states in over 100 cases. It’s quite a shame considering meat pie season is approaching? The tainted chicken pot pies come from Banquet, a company owned by ConAgra. The company temporarily took the pot pie off the market and released this statement:
The company reminds consumers that these products are not ready-to-eat, and must always be thoroughly cooked as instructed on the packages. The cooking instructions for these products are specifically designed to eliminate the presence of common pathogens found in many uncooked products.
ConAgra was one of the companies that used to supply my school with food. It was by far the worst crap I ever tasted. I’m not a picky person by any means and I can usually stomach most food groups but not when the milk tasted like chicken and the bread tasted like beer. Send them a message telling them to shove a banquet chicken pot pie up their asses, as long as they follow the “cooking instructions” they should be fine:
Boston, Massachusetts – In what might be more screwed up than that time I stole a middle aged woman from a wheel bound ex-fire fighter, five kids are set to be charged with assaulting a kid with autism. The boy, whose name won’t be released, was beaten up by two girls and three boys. It’s ok auntie, tell us what happened:
They do know he tried to fight back, but there were five of them, so there’s no way he could have. They pushed him in a mailbox and he cut his hand and they have a picture of that. When I watched the tape I was devastated. I’m absolutely devastated that these kids could do this. They have video them pushing him in the woods and him being in there and them saying, ‘Kick him while he’s down,’ and ‘Do it again.
Leave it to the media to keep this story so one sided. Maybe the autistic kid was an asshole. Maybe he was a Yankee fan with a chip on his shoulder. We somewhat quoted the one of the kids who attacked the autistic boy, she said:
He had that shit coming. He would flash his dick to people during lunch and put his nuts on other people’s lunch trays. That isn’t autism, that’s just strange.
Now that sounds fair and balanced to me. If the autistic kid could shoot a basket, he probably would have had friends like this “special guy”:
Dinner Is ON! – I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.
Your Life – Everyone says you should take vitamins everyday to ensure a long and healthy life. Studies now show that some vitamins are actually detrimental to your health. Consumer Labs did a study showing what vitamins are good and bad for you. Of course in order to see the study, you have to pay a small fee and sign up. So instead, OverAdulthood has provided you with a list of the top 20 antioxidant induced foods and a vitamin chart that shows you what you need and don’t need in your daily supplement. OverAdulthood wants all 4 of our fans to live a long and healthy life. And since we couldn’t find a doctor to interview, we spoke to a local street pharmacist:
Nah nah, ya see all my shit is naaaturrralll. No impurities, ya dig?
With a pitch like that, I was sold. Follow directions as: Take two hits before a meal. Side effects include intense laughter and occasional feelings of cotton being in your mouth (combat with water).
One thing’s for sure…when it’s a slow news day, there’s always something mortifying and/or horrific going on in Africa…
The World Health Organisation said Tuesday that five cases of the deadly Ebola virus had been confirmed in the Democratic Republic of Congo, after dozens of people succumbed to an unidentified illness in recent months. The five cases of the viral hemorrhagic illness were confirmed in western Kasai in the centre of the vast African country, WHO spokeswoman Fadela Chaib told journalists in Geneva.
Ebola causes the patient to bleed under the skin and in severe cases, from the mouth, ears and eyes. The virus, which has no known cure, is highly infectious for those who come into contact with a victim’s body fluids
The only thing I know about the Congo is that Billy Joel said there are Belgians there. I’m going to be honest here: I don’t care. Since I was two it’s been blahblah Africa AIDS blahblah Africa hunger blahblah hideous disease that causes organ failure and the shits…I don’t care! Excuse me now, I’ve got a children sandwich to eat.
Your Daughter’s Closet - Suicide rates have made the biggest jump in over ten years. Another interesting tidbit is that hanging surpassed guns as the method of choice. At least you taught them to be clean. According to Dr. Ileana Arias, director of CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control:
This is the biggest annual increase that we’ve seen in 15 years. We don’t yet know if this is a short-lived increase or if it’s the beginning of a trend.
And no, grunge isn’t coming back, incidentally, neither is your preteen daughter. I thought this would be something the morgue handles, not the CDC. Nevertheless it is quite shocking why girls are killing themselves. They have the latest ipod to ignore people around them, the latest magazine to feel insecure about, and the latest clothing to look like everyone else. What is going wrong here?
“This is called the wrong way to go about things.”
Washington – If you thought good health and falling within normal weight range would be the major combat against cardiovascular disease, think again. A new study shows that even a few inches on the waste increases the plaque build up causing a higher shot of getting some good ol’ heart problems. James A. De Lemos, M.D., F.A.C.C., a professor of medicine and director of the Coronary Care Unit at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Centre had this to say:
In our thirties and forties, we often gain three to four inches in the midsection. It’s a day-to-day, meal-to-meal battle, but it’s worth fighting. Even a small pot belly puts us at higher risk when compared to a flat tummy.
And here I thought I was in good shape by enjoying a healthy diet of making fun of fat people with my little gut. All it takes for the heart to give up is just a little fat and the only way to prevent that means having a six-pack around at all times and taking care of yourself all the time. Well, pass the bottle opener, because I’m going to welcome this bitch with a cold one.
“The HP1320 – The number 1 killer in America. Don’t let the sweet green light fool you.”
Your Office – Just when you thought it was safe to be in your comfortable little office, a recent study showed that some laser printers emit a high amount of toner particles that can get deep into the lungs causing respiratory problems. The International Laboratory for Air Quality and Health tested 62 relatively new laser printers and 17 of them were high emitters of toner particles. But here comes DAMAGE CONTROL from Hewlett-Packard:
Vigorous tests under standardized operating conditions are an integral part of HP’s research and development and its strict quality-control procedures. As part of these quality controls, HP assesses its LaserJet printing systems, original HP print cartridges and papers for dust release and possible material emissions to ensure compliance with applicable international health and safety requirements.
Sounds like a lot of jargon. The last time all these fancy statements were made was when cigarette companies said cigarettes were healthy and you should blow them in your baby’s face because they have vitamins and minerals.
Your Skin – A recent study shows that exercise along with caffeine may greatly reduce your chances of skin cancer. The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences did a study (probably funded by Starbucks) where some mice were given caffeine, some were given exercise, and some were given both. The hairless mice that were given both showed a 400% increase in their defense against pre-cancerous cells. However Dr Alison Ross, from Cancer Research UK, had this to say:
Drinking a cup of coffee before going out jogging is definitely not a substitute for adequate sun protection – and those who are fair-skinned should take extra care.
Sunscreen company, Banana boat, probably took this new study into consideration with the creation of their coffee flavored sunscreen that boasts an urban phrase that will remind people to use more sunscreen protection. As the slogan goes:
If you white! Slap dis shit on, aight!
The study will also have to be proven in humans, which might change the findings considering most people don’t look like hairless mice.