Topic: Other

“Desani Bottling Plant.”

Aquafina will be revealing where its water comes from – the tap. As Michelle Naughton, a Pepsi-Cola North America spokeswoman said:

If this helps clarify the fact that the water originates from public sources, then it’s a reasonable thing to do.

I like how they talk about this like it is fact but never mention anything remotely close to this on the actual packaging. Instead they throw in fancy terms like “reverse osmosis” or “stolen from a centaur’s penis.” The fact didn’t need to be clarified, it needed to be told outright. With this information at hand, I can only imagine the bottling plant is a bunch of Mexicans at sinks filling away bottles or a long garden hose with holes punched into them.

Poland Spring: makes me: dumb.

“First it’s mice.. then people…?”

Providence, Rhode Island – When Oscar the cat visits patients at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, it usually means they have a few hours to live. After documenting 25 cases, Dr. David Dosa wrote a case study about Oscar in the New England Journal of Medicine. As the good Doctor put it:

He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die. Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one.

Of course the cat could also be suffocating the patients for a short while causing a heart attack or any other onset of problems resulting in stress. Either or, when a cat is better at predicting death than the medical staff, it might be time for some new doctors. If I was Dr. Dosa, I wouldn’t be writing about this in the New England Medical Journal, the eeriness of a cat predicting death better than me would most likely end up in my diary under the most embarrassing day in my career.

Now I never want a: cat.

“I know you’ll finish that but can I still have some?”

Your Waist – Move aside genetics! We have a new, younger, cooler reason to blame our obesity on. If your friends are fat, chances are you too will be going the way of the pig. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, friends of the obese are 57% more likely to gain weight. As Nicholas Christakis, a professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School, told it to us straight:

What appears to be happening is that a person becoming obese most likely causes a change of norms about what counts as an appropriate body size. People come to think that it is okay to be bigger since those around them are bigger, and this sensibility spreads.

Along with the extra mayo and cheese. Fatties don’t see the benefits to being healthy. Healthy is defined as being in shape, and not the shape of a beach ball.

We should eat fat: people.

“Well at least she’s not eating Gerber.”

Your Crib – Gerber has issued a recall for its organic rice and oatmeal cereals. The product doesn’t seem to dissolve when added to water or milk. Gerber said this only affected a “limited quantity” of their product. The best way to find out is to feed your baby the food and see if he/she chokes. If your child chokes, call the Gerber parents resource center at 800-443-7237 or 231-928-3000 to get a refund on your cereal, not your child. Famed British nanny Louise Woodward may have offered this quote to OA:

Cereal that chokes your baby! Well that takes out half the work, now doesn’t it.

So far no serious injuries were reported. The question on everyone’s mind is, shouldn’t your baby be a Gerber baby? The answer, not if choking is going to make him/her one.

I’ll stick with breast: milk.

Mhmmm…

Beijing, China – China banned diethylene glycol—a thickening agent in antifreeze—from use in toothpaste Wednesday, one of its most significant concessions yet as it struggles to regain international confidence in the country’s beleaguered exports. Chinese-made toothpaste containing the toxic substance, which can cause kidney failure, paralysis and death, has been yanked from sale in North and South America, Europe and Asia in recent weeks. Diethylene glycol is used as a low-cost substitute for glycerin, a sweetener commonly found in drugs, food, toothpaste and other products. Although there have been no reports of health problems stemming from the toothpaste, dozens of people in Panama died last year after taking medicine contaminated with the chemical imported from China. It was passed off as harmless glycerin.

I’m checking my toothpaste to see where it’s made and so’s I can sue the bejeezus out of someone. I gaze with jaundiced eye at my local 7-11 owner, who has probably been selling me anti-freeze Slurpees and cock-dipped nacho cheese…but I digress. Thankfully, China has dealt with it….by killing the shit out of the guy who was responsible.

link and I’m out.

“Stop talking when I’m talking!”

Don’t you hate it when your girlfriend won’t shut up? Sorry men, but she is probably thinking the same thing about you. New studies show that both men and women say the same amount of words per day, which is close to 16,000 words.

The research was conducted on close to 400 undergrads: 210 women and 186 men. These lab rats wore an Electronically Activated Recorder (EAR) at all times except for when sleeping. The EAR recorded students talking for 30 seconds every 12 minutes, and they were not notified as to when they were being recorded. Researchers concluded:

The data suggest that women spoke on average 16,215 words and men 15,669 words per day.

So ladies, the next time your man gives you his one-word answers, here is your proof that you can nag him to the point that he will talk.

Shhh!

Good for the soul.. and mouth.

University of Cologne, Germany – NOPE! This study is based on forty four people! The test group had borderline high blood pressure and was given a small piece (size of a Hershey’s Kiss, 6.3 grams) of dark chocolate each day. Their blood pressure went down without any significant weight gain. While most of the media is tagging this article with this stupid banter such as:

Well defined anchorman: Well here is something interesting.. According to the University of Cologne, that is in Germany. A study was done involving high blood pressure and eating chocolate. It reports that eating dark chocolate will lower your high blood pressure.
Obviously hot anchorwoman: Oh wow! I love dark chocolate.
Well defined anchorman: Well (add name), it says only a small piece a day. I know how you love your chocolate.
:Both engage in fake laughter:

OA has decided to drop some knowledge by saying you can’t draw conclusions off testing forty four people. That is like saying if you shoot four people and three shoot back that %75 of the world is filled with angry people. The only thing that shows is that you live in a crappy neighborhood.  Plus eating such a small amount of chocolate is the equivalent to dieting.

Dark Chocolate tastes like kidney beans: anyway.

“This might be a little too true.”

A Norwegian team discovered through research that the first born child or child who lost his/her elder sibling is slated to have a higher IQ. The research was obtained by studying 250,000 male conscripts. Professor Petter Kristensen, at the National Institute of Occupational Health in Oslo, and colleague Tor Bjerkedal, at the Norwegian Armed Forces Medical Service had this to say:

We found that it is the son’s social position and not his biological position that counts. In addition, the tendency for first-borns to occupy the niche of a surrogate parent, and to take on the role of the conscientious, self-disciplined and mature sibling may also explain why first-borns have higher IQs.

Well then Moses had the right plan to kill off all the first born children. Even if first born children are smarter, second born children are cooler. And that’s what matters…

So my brother’s a: doctor.

“Good, he probably deserved it.”

Eventually all parents have to deal with their kids starting to whine. According to child experts, most kids don’t even know they are whining because they are overwrought with emotions. Experts recommend mocking your child and whining back. Sheila Oliveri, a mother and school teacher had this to say:

Whyyyyyy are you taaaalkingg like thaaaaaat? You’ll show her exactly how irritating whining is, and you may make her laugh, which will make her forget why she was complaining in the first place.

Or you can take the advice of Tania Johnson, OverAdulthood’s resident mother of eight and recovering crackhead:

If he gonna whine, you just gotsta beat the whinin out of him.

Succinct and sweet.

Kids fear: me.

“ooh Hell Nawwww”

Passengers on the Czech Airlines Flight 0104 to Montreal are being asked to get tested as a man with a deadly strand of TB was on board the flight last Thursday. The United States Center for Disease Control ordered isolation for the jerk man despite his TB being a low level risk. The form of TB is called XDR-TB. It is a drug resistant form that has a low transmission rate. The isolation was the first ordered in 44 years. CDC director Julie Gerberding had this to say:

His potential for transmission would be on the low side. However many of the people who have XDR-TB do not survive their infection.

And many people thought airline food would kill you. Passengers of the Czech Air Flight 0104 are asked to contact Health Canada at 1-866-225-0709.

Can you pass the: germs?