Topic: Other

“Back in my day, we just let the raccoons eat ‘em.”

It was recently discovered that blood taken from four Vietnamese bird flu survivors were able to be used as anti-bodies in mice for the avian disease. The anti-bodies may have an impacting effect on the H5N1 bird flu that is quickly becoming a pandemic. Dr Cameron Simmons, of the Hospital for Tropical Diseases in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam had this to say:

We have shown that this technique can work to prevent and neutralise infection by the H5N1 bird flu virus in mice.

Many doctors (Dr. Simmons as well) don’t advocate sleeping with excessive Vietnamese people (or lab mice) to help obtain the antibodies.

Served up: fresh.

“Our hits or heart rates? Go Humor News!!”

Isn’t that unfair in itself? A new study in London shows that people who are treated unfairly outside of work have a higher chance of developing heart problems. This 8,000 person study doesn’t include if people smoke and/or drink. Dr. Robert de Vogli, head of the study, had this to say:

I understand that this is a long shot, but the key message is that we must try to promote fairness in society.

That just might cure heart problems. So while you’re drinking and smoking, just be sure to treat people fairly and you might live a long and healthy life.

I did a study that punching small children increases your: health.

Spencer Tunick, a photographer known for his work on photographing mass amounts of naked people, has broken his previous record of 7,000 nude people in Barcelona by a shocking 13,000. In Mexico, Spencer gathered 18,000 naked Mexican inhabitants for his perverted artistic fantasy. According to MSNBC,

“This event proves that really we’re not such a conservative society anymore. We’re freeing ourselves of taboos,” said Fabiola Herrera, a 30-year-old university professor who volunteered to strip, along with her boyfriend.

While some people see artistic genius, I see a man assisting 18,000 Mexicans prepare for a long swim. Freeing from taboo? I think she means dropping some weight for an easier swim across the Gulf.

P.S. I filed this under Health because I’m sure there is at least one person with an STD in the crowd

“Does this include the rats?”

KFC announced that it would be planning to stop using trans-fat oils when cooking their “chicken.” The KFC chain said all of its 5500 chains will be switching to a soy-bean based oil. James O’Reilly, KFC’s chief marketing officer had this to say:

This idea is a positive one for consumers, and we do expect it’s going to really appeal to people and bring them into our stores.

Using real chickens might be another good way to bring people into your stores. Taco Bell also plans to follow suit by cooking in a soy-bean oil. To which Critics were quick to reply with:

Wait, that’s cooked?

The change comes as America realizes its weighing down the continent.

I lost weight after laying off the: colonel

“But doctor, you can’t eat your lunch in here!”
“Damnit nurse, pass me the fava beans.”

As surgical tools progress, so do the methods in which surgery is done. Recently, doctors have started completing surgeries through the natural openings of the body. One boy recently had a tumor removed through the nose. Two women had gall bladders removed through their vaginas. Three men had bottles removed through their rectums. It’s getting popular, you get the idea. As a way to prevent extreme scarring and longer recovery time, surgery is becoming like a wrecking crew for destroying ships in a bottle. Instead of just cracking open the glass, they are removing piece by piece by your little hole. One doctor spoke about the benefits, reflecting on a bowel surgery that used to require going through the stomach but is now completed through the rectum. Dr. David Rattner of Massachusetts General Hospital had this to say:

They really can go back to work the next day.

If an operation is going through someone’s ass and the problem is their internal poo bag, employers shouldn’t mind if an employee took a day or two off, just in case. Rattner went onto say:

It’s not going to replace laparoscopic surgery, but it’s going to have a niche somewhere. We’re trying to figure out where that niche is going to be.

It already looks like it has a niche, just bend over. Bam! Niche made!

Cut through my stomach, I like my ass in one: piece.

“Me kicking cancer’s ass. Two Thumbs Up!”

If you haven’t heard already, Roger Ebert the film critic, had cancer. After getting surgery to remove it from his salivary gland, his face was left drooping due to results. Despite how unsightly it may look, he will be watching the Overlooked Film Festival in the audience at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. As he wrote:

I will be wearing a gauze bandage around my neck, and my mouth will be seen to droop. I was told photos of me in this condition would attract the gossip papers. So what?

It might attract more than just media attention. It would probably attract scrutiny and claims that he looks terrible. Granted he doesn’t look his best but he did have this to say:

We spend too much time hiding illness.

You can’t argue with that. Even after cancer removing surgery, Ebert still manages to turn the criticism appropriately around.

But I still have dendrophelia films that Ebert won’t: review.

“I wish I could smother the children in my love” - E. Coli

E. Coli was in town this week to help children celebrate after a Little league softball game. E was in the burger snack shack dishing out burgers to kids. Strangely, the kids became violently ill and were sent to the hospital. E. Coli was saddened by this even but continued on with his tour in the following states: California, Arizona, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. The meat which is sold by Merced-based Richwood Meat Co. Inc has announced that people check their freezers for the following brands:

– Fireriver
– Chef’s Pride
– Ritz Food, Blackwood Farms
– California Pacific Associates
– C&C Distributing
– Golbon
– Richwood

E. Coli will then retire back to his hometown of a Cow’s Stomach Lining. He did have this to say:

I was shocked to hear that these children were sick. The only person who handled the meat was me and I’m always careful with it.

E. Coli wishes the family’s well and hopes to return to them next baseball season.

Salmonella is more my: fella.

“A kilo is worth 79 cents…”

According to a new study, salt might just be bad for your heart. We already knew it was terrible for your cholesterol but new research shows that cutting your salt increase by 25% may directly reduce your chance of stroke or heart attack by 25%. However, the Salt Manufacturers Association is skeptical as they pointed out:

The trial only examines people with high blood pressure, and fails to provide useful health evidence for the vast majority of people.

Essentially what the Salty Folks are saying is that if you have high blood pressure and you reduce your salt, you can lead a normal healthy life. If you don’t have high blood pressure, eat all the damn salt you want. You’re not like those guys… yet. Worry about that stuff when you’re at a “high” risk for heart disease and stroke. Until then, pass the salt.

Salt Manufacturers made the ocean: salty.

“HEY! The government said you can’t bur… ah nevermind!”

First the government told us we couldn’t burn flags. Then they told women not to burn their bras. They even frowned when people started burning subway workers. So when a report was released that Ethanol might not be as safe as we thought it was, it raises the question on our fuel problem. Mark Jacobson, an atmospheric scientist at Stanford University in California, did the research:

If all cars were run on E85, he found that in some parts of the US there were significant increases in ozone - a pollutant with harmful effects on the human respiratory system - compared with petrol cars. In the study, the increase in smog translated to an extra 200 deaths per year in the whole of the US, with 120 occurring in Los Angeles alone.

Some may call it tragic, some may call it population control. But this is what Jacobson had to say:

We found that using E85 will cause at least as much health damage as gasoline, which already causes about 10,000 premature deaths annually from ozone and particulate matter. The question is, if we’re not getting any health benefits, then why continue to promote ethanol and other biofuels. By comparison, converting all vehicles to battery-electric, where the electricity is from wind energy would eliminate 10,000 air pollution deaths per year and 98% of carbon emissions from vehicles.

So it looks like electricity might just be the new head fuel source. The only shame is that you can’t burn it. This leaves us with limited options. The question that comes to mind is what’s next? We can’t burn phone books in sketch parking lots on Friday nights?

I need a social: life or at least something to do on Friday.

“Fat excuses…”

Earlier today, Fat people everywhere let out of collective cry of joy. According to a recent study, there might be a gene that explains obesity. This gene is present in 16% of the population. And 70% of the people who have two or more of these genes have a great chance of be obes.. fat. Professor Andrew Hattersley, from the Peninsular Medical School, who led the research published yesterday in the journal Science, said:

Our findings suggest a possible answer to someone who might ask: ’I eat the same and do as much exercise as my friend next door, so why am I fatter?’ There is clearly a component to obesity that is genetic.

Are you really eating less? Sure you both get the same grilled chicken sandwich but when he gets the salad and you get fries, it starts to add up. So stop being a bitch and try running to Subway, instead of driving 2 blocks.

I just might hate fat: people