Topic: Conservative

There he goes again:

MOSCOW (AP) - President Vladimir Putin dissolved Russia’s government Wednesday in a major political shakeup ahead of parliamentary and presidential elections, the Kremlin said. The dissolution is expected to result in a new prime minister, who will be seen as Putin’s choice to succeed him after he steps down next spring.

I’m left wondering if “dissolution” refers to the process by which Putin pounded a gavel and said “NYET!” or a process where he kidnapped these people and dumped them on to a conveyor belt with a bone grinder at the end of it like Chevy Chase in “I Love Trouble” and melted their remaining bones. Dubious word, “dissolved.”

Link!

“Hmm who knew?”

Camp David, Maryland - President Bush was taking in the butt this morning for his regular colonoscopy. Prior the procedure, Bush had transferred his presidential powers to Vice President Dick Cheney. As said:

Mr. Bush transferred presidential power to Mr. Cheney at 7:16 a.m. with two signed letters to leaders in the House and Senate. In all, the power transfer lasted two hours and five minutes.

During the two hour and five minute reign, President Cheney tried to declare war on Mother Nature. With Cheney demanding a higher deer count for this upcoming hunting season, Mother Nature was baffled and had this to say:

He threatened to nuke me. He said he would leave no leaf un-scorched. And I thought Bush was nuts.

Before any serious actions could take place, President Bush took back his presidential power and Cheney was sent back to his lair in the White House.

Dick “shoot ya in the face”: Cheney.

Barack Obama made some comments in defense of his belief that sex education courses be taught to kindergarten kids:

ABC News’ Teddy Davis and Lindsey Ellerson Report: Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., told Planned Parenthood Tuesday that sex education for kindergarteners, as long as it is “age-appropriate,” is “the right thing to do.”

Forgive me if this is a tad bit unnecessary. What kind of sex education is appropriate for that age? My sex education consisted of my parents telling me to stay away from “strangers.” I didn’t know that it meant “or they will kidnap you and play sock puppet with your butt, because that’s the sort of thing some people are into.” I didn’t need to know that. In fact, I credit my normal sexual maturation with the fact that I was eased into sex education over the course of junior high. Six days a week I’m a strapping heterosexual male who’s comfortable and accepting of other people’s sexual appetites. The seventh? I’m a leggy dame known as “Juliana,” stalking the meatpacking district with my gimp friend Lenny looking for willing slaves.

Like I said, completely normal

I always thought that Oprah would jump on the bandwagon of the rugmunching carpetbagging chipmunk candidate. Turns out I was wrong:

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey plans to hold a Sept. 8 fundraiser for Democratic hopeful Barack Obama at her palatial estate near Santa Barbara, Calif., according to campaign spokesman Dan Pfeiffer.

This could outdo Batman and Robin on the all-time dynamic duo list. White people LOVE some Oprah, and Obama is essentially the male Oprah. For women, Oprah is the fat friend who tells them they’re pretty and says encouraging things like “you go girl!” For white men, Obama is the ultimate “one black friend” whose skin is dark enough to let everyone know you “celebrate diversity” and white enough to meet your racist grandfather. Most white people have no idea what Obama stands for, but they do know that a vote for him will get them “I’m not a racist, I voted for Obama” the next time they say something like “nappy headed ho.”

O-Bomb-Uh

Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s pie in the sky plan to ease traffic in New York City is dead and buried…for now:

THE New York State assembly has used delaying tactics to defy New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg’s attempt to introduce congestion pricing in the city.

Without a final plan in place by yesterday, New York has blown a chance to receive as much as $500m in federal funds to help implement Bloomberg’s plan.

The plan would charge passenger cars $8 a day and commercial vehicles $21 a day for the right to drive in Manhattan below 86th Street.

The problem here is that most people who drive in Manhattan do all they can to avoid public transportation. This is because most of the NYC subway stations smell like earwax, urine, and Friday night’s vomit. Like my bedroom. Additionally, the idea of packing a few extra thousand people per day on the A train, for instance, is simply not feasible. The A train during rush hour is a sardine can that reeks of rancid hooker genitalia and man butt(again, like my bedroom). Forcing thousands more on all the other midtown train lines will only penalize those of us who actually do the right thing by riding the subway…something I’m guessing Bloomberg hasn’t done(outside of publicity stunts) in over 30 years.

Bloomberg….more like blueballs

“When Bush and the House first met.”

Capital Hill’s Bedroom - As the House of Representatives lay there in front of Bush, it had expected to pullout its Troops with great confidence. The House was done with Bush and wanted nothing more than to turn over and rest its weary Troops. But in the darkness and confusions of it all, the House assumed it was dealing with Bush on a side by side playing field. But Bush was on top and decided to keep the Troops in as long as he was getting off on being in charge. So when the House voted in favor by 223-201 to pullout, Bush knew it wasn’t convincing enough to pull out the Troops so he vetoed it and decided to keep the Troops in till he was pleased with this War. Bush felt the House shouldn’t:

(be) determining how troops are positioned, or troop strength. . . . I don’t think that would be good for the country.

Or for Bush as demonstrated by this veto.

Continue »

Nothing helps the environment like a massive rock concert held by the private jet set that thousands of people who can’t afford carbon credits drive in their gas guzzling cars to see:

THE global Live Earth pop extravaganza fell flat for television viewers in the United States and Britain, drawing far smaller audiences than the Princess Diana tribute concert a week earlier.

The main three-hour American TV broadcast on NBC averaged a meagre 2.7 million viewers, ranking as the least-watched US program on Saturday night, and falling below NBC’s summer prime-time Saturday average, Nielsen Media Research reported on Monday.

Even the rival ABC’s rerun of the animated Monsters Inc had a bigger audience — 3.3 million.

This is shocking, in a “not at all” kinda way. Who in God’s name wants to be told by a bunch of vapid celebs who fly around in private jets that they’re destroying the planet by using too much toilet paper and falling asleep with the tv on(watching…vapid celebs)? I’d rather call all my friends and tell them to catch my ten minute spot on the 3am dong lengthening infomercials.

Just kidding…but not really

“The levee isn’t the only thing leaking all over the place.”

Washington, D.C. - Former prostitution ring leader Deborah Jeane Palfrey is airing out some political dirty laundry. After being told she didn’t have to release her former client list, she put it on her website anyway. When Palfrey said that some of these names were high ranking officials, she wasn’t kidding. But you won’t mind Dick “mean in the face” Cheney on the list, Louisiana Senator David Vitter on the other hand has some explaining to do. Lay it on us Dave:

This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there –with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way.

The typical God and wife excuse? At least give us something interesting. OverAdulthood might have heard him mutter:

And this black dude I called King Kong
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue.

At least that might explain some of his distraction from Katrina.

Ooh.

“YAYYYYYYY!!!”

At a recent campaign stop, Democratic Senatorial candidate Joe Biden took potshots at both President Bush and Rudy Giuliani. Biden said of Bush:

“This guy is brain dead…I know I’ll be quoted, I’ll be killed for that.”

And of Giuliani:

“I can hardly wait to debate Giuliani if he is their nominee, because I will eat his lunch.”

Getting called stupid by Joe Biden is like getting called “fag” by the cast of “Queer Eye.” If anything, Biden is known for sabotaging his own career by opening his mouth and letting his inner Corky do the talking. In 1988, he was busted for plagiarizing one of his speeches…on videotape. In a speech in front of a bunch of Indian Americans a few years ago he said:

“In Delaware…you can’t even go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent- I’m not joking.”

The Biden coup de grace came last year, when he insinuated that Barack Obama was a great candidate because he had all the trimmings of a high-end house negro. Said Biden:

“You’ve got the first mainstream African American candidate who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy.”

I fully expect Biden to call Obama “Sambo” at some point during the election cycle, or complain about not being able to wrest control of the women’s vote from the “bull dyke” grip of Hillary Clinton. Whatever happens, here’s hoping there’s a voting base large enough to keep this guy around, and talking, for months to come.

Biden ‘O8

Ooooooooooooohhh…Cal Thomas is in trouble…

Conservative syndicated columnist and author Cal Thomas is under fire for comments deemed by the Council on American-Islamic Relations to express “Islamophobic attitudes.” Discussing the weekend’s UK terror plots, Thomas compared some Muslims to a “slow spreading cancer.”

Ouch. Certainly this is going to offend Muslims, who will no doubt scream wildly in Arabic and issue threats against Thomas’ life, which I think is really the only way to go about doing things in a civil, modern society.  I mean the court system is awfully slow, and there’s no justice like a good beheading, and nothing that alleviates the stress after a long, unemployed day spent stewing against the West and educating children about Jewish vampires like a good stoning of gays, women, and infidels.  Thomas, also had some harsh words for President Bush:

“Each time something like this happens, President Bush apparently feels the need to take off his shoes and go to the Islamic center, where he frankly grovels…if I were plotting America’s destruction I would see this as weakness. Does the administration really think it will convert killers to non-killers simply by saying nice things…if so they’re dangerously naive.”

I’d criticize El Presidente, but that would mean I’d be taking the side of the enemy, who practice a religion of peace in a world where Allah frolics through candy cane fields and has rainbow sherbet with Jesus, Ahura Mazda, and maybe even some of those crazy Egyptian Gods with puppy dog heads…maybe