Topic: Independent

NFL superstar Michael Vick, who did that shit allegedly ran an interstate dog fighting racket called Bad Newz Kennels chock full ‘o “rape stands” and doggy electrocutions has been offered an opportunity to plead it down:

Federal prosecutors have offered Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick a plea deal that would recommend he serve at least one year in prison on a felony dogfighting conspiracy charge, according to two sources familiar with the discussions.

Vick has until 9 a.m. Friday to accept the offer or he could face additional charges when a grand jury convenes next week in U.S. District Court in Richmond, one of the sources said. At least two of Vick’s attorneys have been discussing the offer with prosecutors since early this week, the source said.

Well, that’s really not all that bad. After all, one year in prison is a small price to pay for everyone to know that despite your college education, 100 million dollar contract and half a million or so worth of endorsements you still “keep it real.” In the “hood,” that is. Word up. That will come in handy when the IRS comes after Vick about that portion of his canine killing income that went unreported and he’s left with a ‘98 Lexus and a twenty pound bling necklace slingin rock on the streets “Bad Newz.” That is, if his friends didn’t all line up to testify against him. Whoops-a-daisy!

For those of you who don’t live in the New York area, the Long Island Ducks are an independent minor league franchise with a roster that’s best described as a freak show. Over the years the roster has been populated by some of baseball’s most hilarious personality. In the last few years, the Ducks have signed the likes of Juan “Steroids” Gonzalez, Edgardo Alfonzo, Carl “ain’t nevah been no men on the moon” Everett, and Mets “can’t miss ” pitching prospect Paul Wilson(who somehow missed). Even Pete Rose’s less talented, equally ugly son is on this squad, which serves as a nostalgia freakshow for those of us who grew up in the mid ’90s.

Anyway, add former Mets pinch hitter extraordinaire Jose Offerman to the looney list. Just weeks ago, Offerman was known as nothing more than a marginal middle infielder who bounced around the league and filled in from time to time…until recently, that is:

Former major league All-Star Jose Offerman was charged with two counts of second-degree assault after hitting an opposing team’s pitcher and catcher with his bat during an independent minor league game. Offerman posted $10,000 bond and was due in Bridgeport Superior Court on Aug. 23, court officials said Wednesday.

Offerman, playing for the Long Island Ducks in the Atlantic League, homered in the first inning Tuesday night. The next inning, he was hit by a pitch from Bridgeport Bluefish starter Matt Beech and charged the mound with his bat.

Catcher John Nathans was hit in the head and sustained a concussion. He tried to keep playing, but left the game with nausea and collapsed in the dugout, team spokesman Nick Razzette said.

Beech, a left-hander, sustained a broken middle finger on his right hand. Both players were treated at a hospital and released.

I understand that competition and sports in general are ultimately a test of one’s manhood, and that’s part of the reason why I enjoy it. That said, it’s one thing for a pitcher to stand his ground against a charging adversary. It’s quite a different thing to stand one’s ground against some dude with a bat. That’s what’s commonly referred to in the man trades as MOOSE BALLS

“Hey Rafael, Go Fetch!!”

England - As each major tournament rolls on, Roger Federer’s pain grows increasingly stronger. That pain comes in the form of Rafael Nadal. This past Sunday, Federer had to fight through the pain to take Wimbledon once again for the fifth time in a row. In a match that went to five sets, Federer had to put down the feisty 21 year old, to tie the 5 year Wimbledon streak as held by Bjorn Borg. As he modestly said:

I’m happy with every one I get now before he (Rafael Nadal) takes them all.

Which despite being said in English may need further translating to also be interpreted as:

Son, Daddy still has all the moves. I’m not done yet. Whipping has made me thirsty, go grab me a cold one. I see you Borg!

Or maybe not. Either way, Federer is just three championships away from tying Pete Sampras who holds the record at 14.

Ball boys: smell.

The Face of a Champ!

“If I needed to eat another one right now, I could.”

This is what this year’s Coney Island 4^th of July hot dog eating contest champ said after he won the mustard-yellow belt. The 23-year-old Californian, Joey Chestnut, ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win the title.
Chestnut beat out six time champ Takeru Kobayashi, who has been receiving a lot of attention lately partly because of his jaw arthritis. Yes, this is a sport. ESPN broadcasts it. Just as NFL players get concussions, competitive eaters get arthritis in their jaws. Especially a six time champ. The other reason Kobayashi has been receiving a lot of media attention is because he originally planned to not enter the contest due to the arthritis, but at the last minute entered in memory of his mother. Despite having jaw problems, Kobayashi still managed to scarf down 63 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes.

You can eat another one, really Chestnut? It seems like you’re overcompensating for something.

Cynthia Rodriguez, the wife of Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, caused quite a stir, wearing a t-shirt that proves money can’t buy class (picture below). You can’t see her forehead in this picture, but trust me… Mrs. A-Rod has “guttertrash” tattooed across that sucker. Brace yourself, folks. Adultery-Rod is about to hit the free agent market, and this classy lady will be reaping half the rewards of his new nine figure deal, in which case you’ll be seeing a lot more of her brutish ass splashed across the television.

“She’s 17, you sicko.”

On the Green - Cristie Kerr just won the the 2007 United States Women’s Open champion. And she isn’t the only female on the green that are giving men a whole new reason to watch women’s golf. And it isn’t the champion, it’s the rest of the competition: Annika Sorenstam, Carin Koch, Morgan Pressel, Grace Park, and Michelle Wie. Not only are they looking good, but they are talking dirty. Here is quote taken completely out of context from Cristie Kerr:

Absolutely. Lorena and I are good friends. It was a very special three-some, three-ball that we played…

Sadly, regardless of talent, female sports stars need to be hot as well. Sorry WNBA.

You can enjoy this one:

“Here is a collage I put of Oden. I got lazy after two pictures.”

Portland, OR - In the first round of the NBA draft, the Portland Trail Blazers picked Ohio’s Greg Oden. Oden who has shown exceptional skill right out of high school would have been drafted earlier if not for that pesky new age requirement from the NBA. Here is Oden bellowing out a few words:

I’m a better player because of that year in college. Coach (Thad) Matta, he taught me so much, first about being a young man growing up in Columbus.

By the time this guy reaches 25, he is going to look 150 years old. He looks like he should be playing with Patrick Ewing in the Senior Citizens Basketball Association. He looks like he should ready to collect retirement checks. He looks like he enjoys dinner at 4pm. He looks like a candidate for shuffle board king. He looks like Moses when he saw God on the mountain. He looks.. old.

I ran: out.

“See! This is what happens when…. ah screw this picture is always funny.”

Breaux Greer has done it again. He broke his own record for the longest javalin throw in the United States during the U.S. Athletics Championship. According to China (because they care about this stuff):

The two-time Olympian threw 91.29 meters in the second of his two attempts, beating his own American record of 90.71m set last month.

Hurling a stick is generally good for two things, cleaning up your yard and playing fetch. Other than that, it is about as useful and entertaining as throwing an iron ball.

I prefer world’s strongest: man.

“Some call it a ritual, I think he is checking to see if its real.”

After earning his third consecutive title at Roland Garros, Rafael Nadal is following the steps of Bjorn Borg. This past Sunday Nadal whooped Federer 6-3, 4-6, 6-3, 6-4 to win the French Open. Nadal had this to say:

This was my best Roland Garros. I am playing my best tennis. I am a more complete player than I was last year.

Meanwhile, the first placed loser, Federer had this to say:

If I would have won today, I would have not many other goals to chase in my career. Eventually, if I get it, the sweeter it’s going to taste. So hopefully, I’ll give myself more opportunities… I know I can do it now, that’s for sure.

Yeah right. Perhaps if he played the net a little more and got over the fact that Nadal had been beating him before he even stepped out on the red.

Enjoy this: backhand.

“A jacket that Tiger won’t be wearing.”

This Masters was a particularly tough course, so when Tiger lost, it wasn’t a shock to the golf world but rather a surprise that such a relatively unknown golfer had won. Zach Johnson had only one tournament under his belt, so when he put on that green jacket, it felt quite good. Maybe Tiger would have won if he didn’t throw this one as he claims. Yeah Tiger? What? He said:

I threw this tournament away on two days when I had two good rounds and I [finished] bogey, bogey. So four bogeys in the last two holes basically cost me the tournament.

Simply put. Tiger just wasn’t Tiger enough. Hopefully he’ll be able to cope with the millions he has earned golfing. If not, his ex-model wife might help him out. Life ain’t easy for Woods.

I would hate Tiger if he couldn’t bench twice my: weight