Topic: Independent

I don’t have a degree in ebonics, or hebronics, or any other goofball dialects, but I think that’s how you make a double contraction. I have an English degree, but it’s about as useful as a used douchebag. Anywho, it seems like ‘dis be the year when every player on an NFL active roster is trying to get his Longest Yard on. The latest is Lionel Gates.

A Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ running back was arrested early this morning after kicking a pregnant woman’s door in, destroying her property, hitting her in the face and pushing her into a wall after arguing about whether he is the father of the woman’s unborn child, according to an arrest report filed by the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office. Lionel Theron Gates, 25, was charged with assault on a pregnant woman, burglary of an occupied dwelling, and criminal mischief of $1,000 or more – all felonies. Deputies say Gates broke into the woman’s apartment 11:30 p.m. Thursday. Gates, a running back, was signed to the Bucs’ practice squad in December. He was arrested at 12:50 a.m. at 6203 Savannah Breeze Court in Tampa, according to jail records. An arrest affidavit filed by deputies lists that complex as his home address as well.

According to my count, fifty percent of NFL players have been arrested in the last year. Meanwhile, I did some fact checking and this guy got like a three year, one million dollar rookie contract. If I had a three year, million dollar contract I’d be hiring someone to smack my bitches up for me. I’m poor, so I usually resort to second hand chloroform. It’s a bit less clumsy than my pimp ring, and it doesn’t have my initials on it.

Lionel be smackin up bitches hurrrrrrr!

“How would you like this beating Roger?  Hot and Fresh?”

With a 41 winning streak and no losses in over seven months, Federer doesn’t need his johnson because his record has been speaking volumes. So when the Pacific Life Open at Indian Wells came through, Federer grabbed his racket with gusto and got to it. Little did he know Guillermo Canas would be ready to smack Federer all over the court. Canas who just came back from a 15 month suspension for steroid use was fresh to deliver a beating to the number one player in the world. After a 7-5 6-2 defeat what did Federer have to say:

It just shows you how tough it is. And today was just a grind for me from the start.. First round match is always difficult, but I’ve had an incredible run, not losing in the first round for, I think, over two years. So I’m really happy about that. Sooner or later it had to happen, so it’s okay. It’s no problem.

When number 1 loses, its a big deal. Federer has been unstoppable against practically everyone except Rafael Nadal. So what does this say about Guillermo Canas? It says the world will be paying more attention to this Argentine. As for his alleged steroid use, for which he claims innocence, what did Canas’s penis have to say:

I don’t know if he did steroids or not. I was in the dark for most of that day. Canas is a good guy, he treats me well.

Fresh off this victory, he’ll probably be treating everyone well.  Whatever that means…

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