Topic: Moderate

“Look at me fly this plane… I love wing.”

In an attempt to really chap Richard Branson’s ass, British Airways came up with the brilliant idea of editing Branson out of the movie Casino Royale. The movie features a scene with Branson as an airport security guard. A Virgin Atlantic plane was also edited. A spokesman for British Atlantic said it:

previews films before they are screened on our aircraft and regularly edits films

They apparently felt it would have been offensive to have Branson’s mug and airline on their flights. Virgin Atlantic responded with:

We think that passengers should see all the film, and nothing but the whole film.

As if they weren’t aiming for the “truth and nothing but the whole truth.” Virgin Atlantic’s “we’re not like those guys” attitude is pretty sickening. They might as well have said:

You have the right to remain seated, any film seen can and will be viewed in the raw.

There are truly never enough barf bags.

I’d rather take a: boat.

“It’s like when Will Smith was crushing roaches to piss off alien roaches.”
Sam Zell, Billionaire (that’s all you need to know, ladies), has bought the Tribune for 8.2 Billion dollars. Apparently, Zell sees something in a dying industry. The only people who use newspapers are our Daily Humor Headline staff and homeless people (sometimes indistinguishable). John Rogers, whose Ariel Capital Management is the company’s fourth-largest shareholder, said:

What Sam brings is a certain new energy and fresh new ideas and he asks all the right questions.

Like what? Should we make newspapers two-ply or three?

From the horses: mouth

“If it really looked like NYC, they would have a giant hole where the WTC stood.”

Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out soon and it has the officials of NYC in an uproar. The city in Grand Theft Auto (GTA) is called Liberty City, but with similar structures to the Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge, and Empire State building, it is hard to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. As Mayor Bloomberg said:

The mayor does not support any video game where you earn points for injuring or killing police officers.

Regardless of him talking in the third person like an asshole, countless other games involve the unnecessary death of “officers.” Pac-Man is similar in that there is this yellow monster that prays on harmless ghosts patrolling the streets. Where ya at on that Bloomie?

Bloomberg hates: ghosts

“The CEO during a shrimp cocktail party, it never liked small seafood.”

When the scallop fishery off of North Carolina closed its doors in 2004, it was a nail in the coffin indicating they had lost to cownose rays. The cownose rays had a good decade with a population explosion of 10 fold. This, of course, was all attributed to the decline of the CEO of Marine Life. However, with an alarming effect on the food chain, the CEO must no longer be hunted for its delicate fins but rather left to thrive in its aquatic jungle. Business experts or Scientists, as the people call them had this to say:

There are interdependencies among the species, and when you cause these imbalances, you’re going to get some effect elsewhere. For many decades, it was thought this type of cascade effect was possible only in simplified systems like ponds, so seeing this occur in the marine system is alarming. It means we’re modifying the way energy is flowing through these systems.

So as the CEO of Marine Life is reinstated and left to what it knows best, the next time you’re at the beach, be aware. Because the shark is coming back.

I don’t know how to swim: anyway

“Just give me a second to relax…”

After the release of the Wii in the UK, supplies have been running low on Nintendo’s part. Well Nintendo has drank it all up and decided that it will now release a “steady stream” all over the UK. In an actual statement by the freaks at Nintendo:

(We’ll) maximise all resources for a repaid replenishment program to consistently pump Wii consoles into the supply pipeline.

So get ready United Kingdom to get a nice splash of Wiis all over your landscape. Once Nintendo gets going, this will get messy.

I feel so: dirty

“Wasn’t crack also dealt to you by the comfort of your own car?”

Walgreen has recently reported that during its second quarter it had made a 25% increase in sales due to its retail prescription business. Going from 51 cents a share to 65 cents a share, Walgreen is planning to open up 500 more stores before the end of the year. A local pharmacist at Walgreen had this to say:

What chu need? I got adderall, oxy, vics, viagra! I’m makin’ cake when these crackers need they Tussin at 3am.

I’d be angry but when you can get adderall and twizzlers at a low price at 5am, it’s just easier to be happy your drug dealer is behind the counter instead of behind some alley.

Yes I have my Savings: Card

“Hanging out with a 100 of my closest friends.”

The US Dollar has stomped a hole in the Euro and other major currencies. Ashraf Laidi, chief foreign-exchange analyst at CMC Markets in New York had this to say:

The dollar rebounds off its post-FOMC lows as traders reevaluate the excessive selling in the U.S. currency.

What does this mean? If the dollar got into a fight with other currencies, it would probably end up kicking their asses.

Lacking serious financial: knowledge

“Uh-oh, Lassy! I think Timmy might have sampled your food.”

Last month as many as one in six animals were dropping dead due to a poisonous ingredient in animal food. The number one suspect appears to be Menu Foods, an Ontario based food company. The government has recalled almost 60 million cans and pouches of food. Dr. Ann Hohenhaus of New York’s Animal Medical Center had this to say:

I’m certain someone’s going to figure this out because there are a lot of pet foods involved, a lot of pets involved and a lot of veterinarians who are upset.

You damn right. Many animal owners have been calling up Menu Foods in regards to their dead cats or dogs. Instead of receiving answers, they were receiving a busy signal. The CEO for Menu Foods might have had this to say:

So Lassy got a little sick off our dog food. Maybe if your dog wasn’t a weak bitch, it might have survived. We’re doing God’s work.

Further comments weren’t received on account of the CEO driving away in his Hummer (which is probably fueled by animal blood). However, please feel free to send your animal’s carcass to:

Menu Foods
8 Falconer Drive
Streetsville, ON
Canada L5N 1B1

Actual info from that damn: well

Scared shitless that Democratic candidates will say stupid things(as candidates are wont to do in election season) Illinois Representative Rahm(pronounced “ROM”) Emmanuel advised candidates to avoid the Colbert Report(pronounced Cole-bear-Re-pour”) this election season. Emmanuel’s ire was raised recently when he viewed Colbert’s “Better Know a District” segment. Among the lowlights:

Eyes (but thankfully, not heads) roll in Emanuel’s office when other freshmen stumble, such as the time Rep. John Yarmuth (D-Ky.) got into a debate about the merits of throwing kittens into a wood-chipper, or when Rep. Zack Space (D-Ohio) explained that he is not his predecessor, convicted felon Bob Ney (R).

I’m really not following the logic here. God forbid we have a candidate who’s funny. Do the Democrats really want all their candidates to come off like Lurch Kerry and Al Bore? I think I’m voting for Giuliani because he dressed up like a surly transvestite, which made me happy in the pants, but moreso, because it showed he had a pulse. And who’s to say that kittens in wood chippers isn’t an important issue. I’ll go on record right now and say that the first candidate who comes out and says man, wouldn’t that be sorta funny, buncha dudes hurling some kittens into a woodchipper will get my vote. Yes indeedy!

Real Deal

Recently the American Bar Association Conference on Environmental Law got together and had this to say:

Global warming is the hottest story of our time, and it will get even bigger as the full implications of melting ice caps and rising sea levels percolate through the media pipeline and into general public awareness

Uggh. I mean really, global warming is like the new starving kids in the desert. Enough of this already, The Soup is on. By the way, how much of this being caused by the hot air coming out of these lawyers mouths?

More guilt trippery:

The next section of an Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) report, focusing on global warming impacts, is due to be released at a meeting in Belgium next month. A draft version of the report says that, within a few decades, hundreds of millions of people will face water shortages, while tens of millions will be flooded out of their homes. Tropical diseases like malaria will spread, pests like fire ants will thrive and by 2050, polar bears will mostly be found in zoos. By 2080, hundreds of millions of people could face starvation, according to the IPCC draft report.

Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I can’t afford a house in Florida, and I always wanted to spend my golden years in a tropical locale. Polar Bears will only exist in zoos? I guess I’ll have to contribute a salty icicle to their memory the next time I travel to the Arctic Circle and they’re not around. Plus this will be about the time I have older kids. Have you seen kids today? Good Lord, mine will probably suck, unless there’s some kind of religious revival that leads to child beating becoming acceptable once again. If I have a girl, I hope this happens before she starts dating guys like me, or before my son becomes an “ultra-sexual,” which I imagine will be something like a metrosexual with a solar powered dildo in place of a hand. Global warming might be the best thing to happen since that day a few months back when Jimmy Fallon stopped mattering.

Story ’bout my Salvation