“If everyone in here passed the bar, why didn’t they get me anything to drink!?!”
Des Moines, Iowa – After you get married, you generally want kids. Not in the case of Marcy Grant. This 32 year old alcoholic tried to sell her four year old child to help pay for a wedding dress. Grant faces up to 10 years in the slammer but pleaded in her defense:
I’m a good mommy. I’m an alcoholic, but I’m a good mommy.
Who refers to themselves as “mommy?” That’s just strange. And I highly doubt anyone would be marrying that piece of work. So when the reports say she was trying to sell her child for a wedding dress, I’m more likely to believe wedding dress meant case of Bud Ice and a bottle of Wild Turkey, because they sound the same when slurred.
To discourage contact with children, some registered sex offenders in Maryland will be asked to post signs at their homes that say “No Candy at This Residence,” on Halloween.
For the second straight year, parole and probation agents plan to team with local police to dissuade sex offenders who are not allowed to have contact with children from participating in the holiday.
“We actually print out the signs for the offenders and hand them to them,” said Elizabeth Bartholomew, a spokeswoman for the Division of Parole and Probation. “We expect them to post the signs.”
I once went on a date to the Museum of Sex and among the many kinky phenomenons on display was the Furry display, where people dress up like stuffed animals and get their bang on. I have to believe that this preference originates, for most of these folks, from that time one Halloween when they were invited into the home of “Barney the Dinosaur” and left with sore bottoms and a tear stained Barney bag full of nightmares.
Bakersfield, California – In what may just be the biggest display of stupidity and racism, 10-15 hispanic men are wanted for breaking into a mosque, causing a boat load of trouble (including yelling racist slurs and throwing rocks). It started with a dumbass duo of hispanic men breaking into the mosque at 2am and started a ruckus. Police were quick to respond by arriving at 5am. After police left, the men returned with a small army which were slashing tires and breaking windows. Police saw men throwing rocks but weren’t able to catch anyone (donuts really do weigh you down). At a press conference, the Council on American-Islamic Relations thanked authorities for their quick response to the incident. Here is what they might have said to OverAdulthood:
Yeah fast response time my ass. If this was a christian or jewish church, the response time would be instantaneous. And they wonder who the real terrorists are? It’s the cops.
A three hour response time is bullshit. That is a longer response time than when parking cops are getting their ass kicked and the cops take a long time because they don’t respect meter maids. Good to see the law judges upon creed and occupation.
“The only time choking is good is when a naked woman is doing it with magic dust??”
Leesburg, Florida – A 12 year old boy choked himself to death in attempts to play a deadly game where you attain a state of euphoria but cutting off oxygen to the brain. David Cody Hudson was found unconscious with his karate belt wrapped around his neck. Police originally thought it was suicide but investigation revealed the child was trying to play the “choking game.” In the 70s, a lot of kids would hang themselves and jerk off because it gave them a better feeling. So on top of euphoria, they were also able to bust a nut. Kids these days have become so dumb. Here is what the 14yr old sister had to say:
We don’t really know exactly what happened.
Probably because she was giving blowjobs to guys in attempts to be cool. Okay maybe that is a little harsh, go on:
I looked at his face to see if he was smiling, but I saw his face was purple. Then I saw his karate belt around his neck. I tried to get it off, but it was way too tight.
At least they can take in solace the fact that they had taught their son well…..tying a knot.
Khadijah Farmer is suing the Caliente Cab Company, a restaurant in Greenwich Village:
A Manhattan woman is suing a West Village restaurant for allegedly having her tossed out of the ladies’ room for looking too manly. In papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, Khadijah Farmer says she’s seeking an undisclosed amount for “embarrassment, humiliation and emotional distress” when she was bounced out of the Caliente Cab Company ladies’ room this past June.
Embarrassed? Why, because they fell for her clever man ruse? If I saw Steve Urkel going into a ladies room, I’d stop him too. Below is a video of Urkel whining uncontrollably because her decision to dress like a man, sound like a man, and overall look like a man made her boss at a health club suggest she wear a sign that announced her sex, because God forbid, in this sexually diverse day and age, women get offended at the site of a stubby, bespectacled black man was walking amongst them as they changed.
OA – Salmonella linked to meat pies have been located in over a dozen states in over 100 cases. It’s quite a shame considering meat pie season is approaching? The tainted chicken pot pies come from Banquet, a company owned by ConAgra. The company temporarily took the pot pie off the market and released this statement:
The company reminds consumers that these products are not ready-to-eat, and must always be thoroughly cooked as instructed on the packages. The cooking instructions for these products are specifically designed to eliminate the presence of common pathogens found in many uncooked products.
ConAgra was one of the companies that used to supply my school with food. It was by far the worst crap I ever tasted. I’m not a picky person by any means and I can usually stomach most food groups but not when the milk tasted like chicken and the bread tasted like beer. Send them a message telling them to shove a banquet chicken pot pie up their asses, as long as they follow the “cooking instructions” they should be fine:
“The only sausage he will see will be coming from behind.”
Paris, Maine – Taking place in the most unromantic city in the world, chef Christian Nielsen, 32, murdered a series of people at the bed and breakfast he worked at. It may be safe to assume that he no longer works there. I can only imagine how he took orders:
Owner: Cmon Chris, I need an order of bacon and eggs.
Nielsen: But you forgot, I put in a side of DEATH!!
Ok, maybe that’s a little too excessive and cheesy. After murdering the owners, owner’s friend, and one customer, he admitted to killing these people. Psychologists claim Nielsen suffers from schizoid personality disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome. He may not be competent to stand trial and his admission might not be admissible. Seems like that autism is causing all sorts of trouble these days. Whatever happened to the kind of autism that just made you sit in the corner and let everyone think you were the smelly kid?
I guess that whole Gitmo place is a mixed bag. Some prisoners get beaten, some prisoners throw poop at the guards, some prisoners get loose and go back to war, and other prisoners go to Saudi Arabia, where…GUESS WHAT THEY’VE WON!!!
The Saudi Arabian government will temporarily release 55 prisoners recently transferred from the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and will give each of them about $2,600 to celebrate the upcoming Muslim holiday of Eid al-Fitr, a newspaper reported Saturday. Saudi Interior Minister Prince Nayef bin Abdul Aziz granted the temporary releases from detention centers in Saudi Arabia so the prisoners could spend time with their families during the holiday in mid-October, the Okaz newspaper reported.
Yesterday was Columbus Day, which celebrates the crowning achievement of Western Imperialism, the United States. There’s nothing quite like celebrating the superiority of Western Civilization by allowing a bunch of rag head scumbags who stone gays and women and believe Jews to be vampires to return home to a hero’s welcome because the greatest power in the history of the world prostitutes itself before an otherwise useless regime. Verrrrry pussy! Moreover, I have to say, I feel like there’s a double standard at work here. I once robbed a bank while singing God Bless America, and all I got for it was hard time, a decades worth of nightmares and an anal retread.
“Professional killer, pathetic taste in clothing.”
Moscow, Russia – Most people don’t know that in Russia, there has been a serial killer on the loose terrorizing Moscow. Alexander Pichushkin, 33, was dubbed the “Chessboard Killer” as he would note the people he killed on a chessboard. It’s bad enough the country has a population decline, now they had to deal with some nut who didn’t have chess pieces. Most of the gruesome murders took place in Bittsa Park where Pichushkin would get his victims drunk and throw them into a sewage pit. After getting tired of that method, he would beat his victims to death and leave them at the scene of the crime. As he described his first kill:
It’s like first love — it’s unforgettable.
He could have just gotten some ass, that is always unforgettable too. He went on to say:
For me, a life without murder is like a life without food for you. I felt like the father of all these people, since it was I who opened the door for them to another world.
The last time I checked, a good parental figure opens the door to opportunity, not the underworld.
Boston, Massachusetts – In what might be more screwed up than that time I stole a middle aged woman from a wheel bound ex-fire fighter, five kids are set to be charged with assaulting a kid with autism. The boy, whose name won’t be released, was beaten up by two girls and three boys. It’s ok auntie, tell us what happened:
They do know he tried to fight back, but there were five of them, so there’s no way he could have. They pushed him in a mailbox and he cut his hand and they have a picture of that. When I watched the tape I was devastated. I’m absolutely devastated that these kids could do this. They have video them pushing him in the woods and him being in there and them saying, ‘Kick him while he’s down,’ and ‘Do it again.
Leave it to the media to keep this story so one sided. Maybe the autistic kid was an asshole. Maybe he was a Yankee fan with a chip on his shoulder. We somewhat quoted the one of the kids who attacked the autistic boy, she said:
He had that shit coming. He would flash his dick to people during lunch and put his nuts on other people’s lunch trays. That isn’t autism, that’s just strange.
Now that sounds fair and balanced to me. If the autistic kid could shoot a basket, he probably would have had friends like this “special guy”:
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