“The losers get used as sandbags to hold off flood damage.”
Beijing, China – A storm that killed five people on Sunday prompted an evacuation of 1.4 million people bitches. How are you going to let mother nature tell you what to do? In Vietnam, they are braving it out. Vietnam’s provincial disaster official Pham Hong Thuong kept it gully by spitting something real:
Communication to many parts of the province is still cut off. The death toll is likely to rise. Because that is how gangsta we keep it in the Nam!
Well maybe not all of that quote is true but China even had to cancel the vacation of flood control workers who were probably watching the Special Olympics in their town of Shanghai. I know that would ruin my day if I had to cancel my time off watching retards have drool competitions to “help people.” Hopefully they will incorporate the strong man competition with the Special Olympics to make it up to the Chinese. Maybe seeing how many wheel bound nuts steroid induced freaks from eastern Europe can carry in one trip? Still don’t know why I’m not working in television.
Union, Missouri – Sometimes pedophiles can be mean and heartless, especially when they don’t call you back after forcing you to perform oral sex on them. But sometimes they are can be sweet and kind. Meet Michael Devlin! He used to be a pizza parlor manager before he kidnapped young teenagers and sexually abused them. But the story takes a sweet turn. After being discovered he was kidnapping these children, he decided to plead guilty to almost 80 counts of kidnapping. Loyd Bailie, uncle of one of the kids had this to say:
This is a great day. Just knowing that Ben is not going to have to relive all this through the court system — this is cloud nine.
Exactly. Nothing says complete happiness like not having to relive sexual abuse through a court system. Now Ben can go back to living his “normal” life. That bare minimum is something worth aspiring to. Devlin might be looking at a life sentence but he is “at peace” according to his lawyers. I didn’t know busting nuts all over teenage boys brought such tranquility.
Sigh. More Britney news. It is getting a little exhausting, but who are we to turn away from her troublesome media-friendly turn for the worse? Scumbags who have nothing better to do? Correct! But it’s all for your entertainment so shut up and keep reading.
Earlier this week, a court ordered that Spears’ children be taken away from her and placed in full custody of Kevin Federline, allowing Spears only monitored visitation rights. Judge Scott M. Gordon ruled in the last hearing:
“The minor children shall remain in the custody of [Federline] with the exception of those specific dates and times as ordered by the Court…Pending the further order of the Court, all visitation shall be in the presence of a monitor. The monitor shall terminate the visitaton immediately if any conduct or action by [Spears] endangers the minor children.
Well that’s crazy. What on earth could Spears possibly do that would harm her children? Feed them tacos with her hands? Use bed linens as baby wipes? Make them chug soda directly from the bottle? Ridiculous.
Supposedly, they’re “cracking down” on immigration in Los Angeles:
In what federal authorities are calling the largest sweep of criminal and fugitive immigrants, federal agents over the past two weeks have arrested more than 1,300 Southland immigrants in their homes, in jails and at work, officials announced Wednesday.
As part of a stepped-up national crackdown on illegal immigrants, five teams of Immigration and Custom Enforcement agents raided homes in Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino and Ventura counties from Sept. 19 through Tuesday.
MY. ASS. They refer to this as a crackdown? The most laughable aspect of the immigration situation to date is when some politician who never leaves the confines of Georgetown for an actual diverse neighborhood exclaims “it’s impossible to find all these people!” Hogwash. “We need to make it easier for these people to come out of the shadows.” Bunk. In my hometown of approximately 30,000 people there are at least 100 illegal immigrants a day lined up in parking lots waiting for a pickup truck. They only go into “the shadows” to sleep or pee all over, and they’ve been known to do the latter on my parent’s lawn . By four o’clock every afternoon there are a few dozen Rico Suaves stumbling down the streets drunk or standing on corners hitting on women. By eight o’clock there are at least 80 Ricky Ricardos on their way to the bar, typically dressed like gay cowboys with shiny gold plated teeth, or they’re doing the dishes and busing the tables during rush hour at a nice restaurant. If they pulled over every 1989 Honda CRX with champagne spinners…you get my point?
If only all our border patrol agents were like Robert Michael Jack
“The kids! They called me Mr. Glass!! And then I decided to break windows.”
Scottsdale, Arizona – The owner of a glass company was recently arrested on charges of fraud involving breaking school bus windows and then repairing them for profit. Troy Volberg, 33, owner of Tri-State Glass (not the important Tri-State, it’s the one out west that no one cares about) and his army goons were arrested on fraud. Scottsdale Unified School District Superintendent Dr. John Baracy had this to say:
This was not only a crime against property, but a crime against our children and our community.
Thanks John for that cliche “think about the children” tripe. It’s those same rotten children that are probably keeping Volberg in business when he isn’t scumbagging it up around parking lots filled with buses. His gang of creeps consisted of murderers and thugs, but at least he wasn’t hiring kid touchers to double as window breakers. Although, he could have hired them at a discount price because they would have gotten stiffies from hanging around buses that carry children. A smart man knows these things.
“As in they just found a boat load of dismembered bodies! Yeah I gave away the opening!”
Moscow, Russia – Just when they thought it was safe to rebuild that 19th century Moscow house, officials found the remains of about three dozen bodies . Police officials are opening up an investigation to find the identities of the bodies. The house used to belong to a famous czarist-era family, the Sheremyetevs. On top of that, the estate was located near a former KGB headquarter. This investigation will probably be closed before I’m done writing this post on account of that old catchy saying:
What happens in czarist-era in Russia, stays in czarist-era Russia.
They also made a commercial about it. Remember? This woman asks her husband what he wants to eat for breakfast and he screams “Get in line!” in russian. Then she gives him this “oh honey” look with her hands to her side and her head tilted. Meanwhile the camera cuts to him hallucinating where he is shooting like thirty odd some people. The screen goes black and it just says “Czarist-Era Russia!” with little lights around it and the song “viva la russia” playing in the background.
Dinner Is ON! – I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.
“If only my South Pole jeans were there to save them in time.”
Des Moines, Iowa – Get out those wideleg jeans you’ve been keeping in the back of your closet, because they aren’t coming back into style and apparently someone found a better use for them than your hopes for a fashion faux pa repeat. Iowa State University students are collecting old jeans to help turn them into insulation for homes being rebuilt for victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. The old jeans you turn in becomes recycles into bales of insulation called Ultra Touch. Promote your deal Andrea Samber of Cotton Inc:
(Whether it’s) taking a pair of their old blue jeans or perhaps their mom’s old blue jeans or from their church or school, wherever it’s from, but that it’s able to be recycled. It resists mold and mildew. It resists noise. It has some really wonderful properties that are environmentally friendly.
If anything the victims of the hurricane don’t feel like making nice and being “environmentally friendly.” This is the same environment that took everything away from them. They probably want revenge, as best spoken by displaced victim, Kenneth “Duece Duece” Jones:
Dis hurricane messed mah shit up. And these cats wanna line mah new crib wit jeans? Hugo boss ain’t gonna protect me!! I say we lines deez houses with pandas and koalas. Teach mother nature a mothafuckin lesson.
Henry County, Georgia – Neighbor complaints led officers to find over two dozen cats and dogs, some of which were well past their prime (dead). The smell overpowered one officer so badly that he was taken to the hospital. Henry police Capt. Jason Bolton had this to say:
The floors are completely covered in trash or fecal matter, garbage dishes, you name it–it’s very difficult to even move around inside.
When you’re living with someone and a statement like, “hey, maybe we should pick up these dead cats or something,” comes up, it might be about to time to move or set the place on fire to collect insurance. And I thought I was a slob, hopefully my landlord (mom) will read this before she criticizes me about my cleanliness. And just because it’s necessary:
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet] Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight. Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good. Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent. Brian Fantana: Oh yeah. Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way. Brian Fantana: Yep. Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
[cheesy grin] Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense. Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]
It appears as if Hillary Clinton, large thighed mega-dyke from Hell, has a lockdown on Democratic fundraising this quarter:
Sen. Hillary Clinton raised $27 million in the third quarter for her 2008 Democratic bid for the White House, a Clinton aide said Tuesday.
All but $5 million of Clinton’s funds can be spent trying to win the Democratic presidential nomination in the primaries, the aide said.
More than 100,000 new donors contributed to the New York Democrat, the aide said.
Clinton outpaced Sen. Barack Obama over the last three months, a reversal of positions from the second quarter.
This isn’t terribly shocking. Hypothetical question…you’re in an alley, and each of the following demands your wallet:
1. A stocky, belligerent super dyke with a contingent of Secret Service Agents and a big wet magic finger in the air that can magically calculate policy.
2. A skinny lawyer with a bad accent and 400 dollar Supercut.
3. A taller, skinnier Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
4. A three foot tall, vegan/pacifist Smiegel from Lord of the Rings
Who do you give it to? EXACTLY. It’s fairly simple dynamic that plays itself out in every election. the last Democratic primary saw the Tasmanian Devil outearn Lurch from the Addams family, until something went terribly wrong.
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