“Looks like someone wants to shake more than hands.”
Seoul, South Korea – Unsure whether this would happen again, the international community shed a tear and let out a giant “aww” when they found out that North Korea and South Korea would be coming together again. More memorable than when Laura finally decided she loves Steve Urkel, the second summit between North and South holds great promise to someday bring the country together.
This line is a wall that has divided the nation for a half-century. Our people have suffered from too many hardships and development has been held up due to this wall. This line will be gradually erased and the wall will fall.
Relationships can be quite the storm at sea. Perhaps it will only be a few years till North and South are together again. Of course those years might be strangely equivalent to how long Kim Jong Il lives but at least strides are being made. There were some protests against the meeting, such as one man setting himself on fire to protest North’s human rights violations but that protest was smelly and lasted no longer than 10 minutes (or however long it takes for people to shut up while on fire.) Something tells me these kooky kids just might make it after all!
Los Angeles, California – Everyone was SO quick to report Britney Spears losing her kids that they forgot the real story here. Federline won himself some children! Of course both parents had to stop being petty towards each other and learn how to parent together. Well the judge said it better like this:
He also barred the exes from making “derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party’s family or significant other” during the case. And he ordered the parents to go through “joint co-parenting counseling” and barred them from using corporal punishment on the boys.
The kids will be switching from a life of privilege and parental apathy to poverty and deficient attention. While most fathers would read a classic storybook to their kids, I can imagine Kfed puffing on a newport and reading rhymes from Playing With Fire such as:
One to the two, two to three,
Fell asleep in the whip,
woke up in the squee.
Last night was crazy,
tonight is going down!
Show my lady friend all around the town.
Parked the Harley and hopped in the truck,
Smelling good, and looking like 10 million bucks.
Blue Yankee hat on,
Red monkey pants on,
Fresh to death,
’cause I keep the latest fashion.
???? Then again, I imagine it’s a little better than having Britney Spears’s method, which probably consists of her burning you with her cigarette while falling into another drug coma all while reading US weekly.
Cambridge, Massachusetts – The dream of the $100 laptop has faded fast with the rising costs of silicon and nickel parts causing an increase of $88. The soon to be released $188 “XO” laptop doesn’t seem to have the same appealing name. However, orders totaling up to 3 million units have been requested by various countries like Thailand, Brazil, and Libya. Tech nerds like Wayan Vota, the former director of the Geekcorps international tech-development organization and current editor of the OLPCNews blog had this to squeak:
Where does it end? It started out at $130, then it was $148, then it was $176, now it’s $188 — what’s next? $200? You have these governments who were looking at this original, fanciful $100-per-child figure, now we’re going up towards or maybe past $200.
$200 a laptop is still a pretty damn good price. I once got a laptop for $500 because it “fell off the back of a dell truck.” Nevertheless, this gives children the ability to really get hands on with their own personal computer. They could tinker with it and see the inner workings. Maybe kids could aspire to be someone as tech savvy as:
Nothing says artistic creativity and technological know-how like special bottles of wine!
“Probably a better place to leave your kid next time.”
Glendale, Wisconsin – A couple strapped their 14 month old baby into a stroller at home so they could go out and party. Rachel Anderson and her boyfriend, Mitch Laputka are set to face charges on neglect and possibly general stupidity. Granted kids suck, but the child, Gabriel was found with a diaper rash, body temperature 12 degrees below normal and unconscious. According to police, the couple recent got jobs at Pizza Hut (quite an aspiration) and decided to celebrate their paychecks by going out. Anderson admitted to changing the baby once a day and Laputka said that he didn’t do diapers. But apparently, he does fat chicks. Neighbor, Dennis Ogilvie, who has a daughter the same age had this to say:
I knew they had a baby, but I never saw them with him.
That might have been because the baby was strapped to a stroller and you wouldn’t let your kid play with their kid because you knew they lived off a healthy diet consisting of pepsi and stale bread sticks. These are the type of couples that need to be sterilized with steel toe Lugz or whatever sketchy people wear when stomping in some asses.
“The strong parental figure that is Mommy’s boyfriend/dealer.”
Lawrence, Indiana (US) - Two boys brought their mother’s crack cocaine to their elementary school to expose their momma as a user and abuser. The mother, Deborah Jones (32), was arrested on drug possession. The boyfriend (because there always is one in these hilarious situations) threatened the kids to keep their lids shut about the drug dealings going on in the house. Apparently they had enough, as said by Lawrence police Sgt. James Vaughan:
I think the kids did the right thing for bringing this to the staff at the school so the police were notified.
Well OverAdulthood found out how this all went down with their exclusive informant:
Son 1: Mommy! Why do you have all these rocks?
Mom: Those are mother’s special rocks. Don’t touch them.
Boyfriend: If you do, I’ll cut you! (mom and b/f leave with one rock)
Mom: We’ll be right back, we need to go clean this rock.
Son 2: Ay yo. Ay yo. We should bring dis shit to show & tell.
Son 1: Yeah son!
Oh? You didn’t know all children speak ebonics to their peers.
Quite frankly, I don’t watch any MTV “Rock the Vote” or candidate related crap because I think the idea of encouraging a bunch of people who are entertained by “The Hills” and “My Super Sweet 16″ to vote is the quickest way to bring down the Republic. The last thing any candidate should be worried about are the policy concerns of the illiterate, half retarded MTV loving masses who shouldn’t be allowed within twenty miles of a voting booth. In any event, hypocrite that I am, I tuned in last year to watch John Kerry answer questions about rap music and it was just about one of the most horrifically awkward things I’ve ever witnessed. There’s really nothing like watching a bunch of stuffy old white men who “once saw some Africans” in a National Geographic. Anyway, in his sit-down session, Kerry suggested that the elderly, stuffy white male population “better start paying attention, because rap music has something to say.” Word! It was a feat that was unlikely to ever be surpassed.
AND THEN came John Edwards. It appears Kerry’s passed the “concerned white male” torch to John Edwards, and predictably, Jiminy Cricket Edwards doused it in lighter fluid….
Asked about what he could do about “inner-city kids partaking in violence” at the MTV/MySpace Forum yesterday, Democratic candidate John Edwards offered an apocalyptic prediction for young black males:
“We cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem. And the idea that we can keep incarcerating and keep incarcerating — pretty soon we’re not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They’re all going to be in prison or dead. One of the two.”
Edwards finished it off by explaining how much he loves Newports, Watermelon, and KFC, before launching into a tale about how his black nanny used to sing him old Negro spirituals until he fell asleep…or until she got arrested for stealing…because you know, they’re all criminals, and pretty soon there won’t be any left if “the man” has anything to do with it.
Well this is not really anything new, but it has been reported that Lindsay Lohan stole cocaine from Jackass star Steve-O. While on the Howard Stern Show recently, Steve-O told the shock jock all about Lindsay and her cocaine troubles. According to Page Six, Steve-O said:
Lohan took what he called the “Boog Suge” from him after she forgot her wallet in his bathroom and came back to his place to get it. There’s even proof she was there – Lohan had to sign a release while at Steve-O’s house for a DVD he was filming at the time.
OK, let’s be real here. Lindsay Lohan stealing coke is not that surprising. After all, she was found doing coke and having sex with random men while STILL IN rehab. The shocking part is, why on earth are Lindsay Lohan and Steve-O hanging out? Maybe she was just strolling along, trying to find some coke or some men to do, and she sniffed her way to Steve-O’s house, kind of like a bloodhound. They should use Lindsay as one of those K9 police dogs. A man in uniform will put her on a leash and have her on all fours trying to sniff out the coke. Actually, that’s probably not too different from what she was doing in rehab.
“The P rhymes with something that ends with ‘ussy’”
United Nations – Russia has been messing around with Georgia (yes, the country) for a while now and the president finally decided to say something during the U.N meeting. Georgia’s president Mikhail Saakashvili questioned the appearance of Russian military:
One has to wonder — what was a vice colonel of the Russian military doing in the Georgian forests, organizing and leading a group of armed insurgents on a mission of terror?
Russia’s ambassador to the U.N., Vitaly Churkin barked back by saying those men were running an:
anti-terrorist training center [and were killed with knife and gun shot wounds]
Georgia also claimed the Russia had violated Georgian airspace. Russia rejected these claims. How do you reject claims? The same way you poison people in other countries. Russia does what it wants. In the end Saakashvilli bowed out by saying:
My government is committed to addressing this subject through diplomatic means, in partnership with the international community. … Look at how Georgia has responded to the many provocations we have faced in the past year.
That basically means, we don’t want you to kick our ass. Russia is practically Georgia’s big brother. Georgia is getting looked over and if there is someone who knows what it is like to get looked over, ask Kanye West. As he spits:
I guess big brother was thinking a little different
And kept little brother at bay, at a distance
But everything I felt was more bogus
Only made me more focused, only wrote more potent
Only thing I wanna know is why I get looked over
I guess ill understand when I get more older
You’re still young Georgia. Keep in your place, you’ll understand when your bank account grows up.
Colombo, Sri Lanka – Just when rich folks didn’t have any more reasons to throw away their money, a hotel in Sri Lanka just came up with a new one. The Fortress resort recently came up with a dessert called “The Fortress Stilt Fisherman Indulgence.” This $14,500 treat consists of:
….a gold leaf Italian cassata flavored with Irish cream, served with a mango and pomegranate compote and a champagne sabayon enlighten. It’s decorated with a chocolate carving of a fisherman clinging to a stilt — an age-old local fishing practice — and an 80-carat aquamarine stone.
The resort has received calls about it but no one has “forked” the money over. Ok that was a shitty pun but let me address the real important issue here. No one is going to go to Sri Lanka for dessert. Bollywood’s most favorite actor, Shahrukh Khan, won’t ever go back to Sri Lanka because someone tossed a live grenade during the show at which he was set to perform. I’ll leave it at that.
Marlborough, New Hampshire – An Indian storeowner who ran one of the Marlborough cigarette stores in New Hampshire claims he was hypnotized into giving away his money. Yogesh Patel, 29, believes he was hypnotized by two other Indian men into opening up and giving away everything from the cash register. The two men claimed to be guruji, a type of Hindu priest. The two “priests” asked Patel a series of questions to which they had the pre-written answer to. Afterwards they told the storeowner the names of those very close to him. Patel says it better:
They also said my wife’s name that not too many people know. My mom’s name, they told me. And they told me what was my future goal.
That’s because your wife’s name probably has 200 syllables in it. The priests were believed to be driving a white Acura (vehicle of choice for thieving Hindu priests) and investigators warn that these men might try to fool other Indian storeowners or clerks. If that is the case, they should come to NYC. There are enough Indian storeowners to supply these guys for the rest of their days.
I’m a priest too but I rob children… of their innocence.
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