Khadijah Farmer is suing the Caliente Cab Company, a restaurant in Greenwich Village:
A Manhattan woman is suing a West Village restaurant for allegedly having her tossed out of the ladies’ room for looking too manly. In papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, Khadijah Farmer says she’s seeking an undisclosed amount for “embarrassment, humiliation and emotional distress” when she was bounced out of the Caliente Cab Company ladies’ room this past June.
Embarrassed? Why, because they fell for her clever man ruse? If I saw Steve Urkel going into a ladies room, I’d stop him too. Below is a video of Urkel whining uncontrollably because her decision to dress like a man, sound like a man, and overall look like a man made her boss at a health club suggest she wear a sign that announced her sex, because God forbid, in this sexually diverse day and age, women get offended at the site of a stubby, bespectacled black man was walking amongst them as they changed.
OA - Salmonella linked to meat pies have been located in over a dozen states in over 100 cases. It’s quite a shame considering meat pie season is approaching? The tainted chicken pot pies come from Banquet, a company owned by ConAgra. The company temporarily took the pot pie off the market and released this statement:
The company reminds consumers that these products are not ready-to-eat, and must always be thoroughly cooked as instructed on the packages. The cooking instructions for these products are specifically designed to eliminate the presence of common pathogens found in many uncooked products.
ConAgra was one of the companies that used to supply my school with food. It was by far the worst crap I ever tasted. I’m not a picky person by any means and I can usually stomach most food groups but not when the milk tasted like chicken and the bread tasted like beer. Send them a message telling them to shove a banquet chicken pot pie up their asses, as long as they follow the “cooking instructions” they should be fine:
“The only sausage he will see will be coming from behind.”
Paris, Maine - Taking place in the most unromantic city in the world, chef Christian Nielsen, 32, murdered a series of people at the bed and breakfast he worked at. It may be safe to assume that he no longer works there. I can only imagine how he took orders:
Owner: Cmon Chris, I need an order of bacon and eggs.
Nielsen: But you forgot, I put in a side of DEATH!!
Ok, maybe that’s a little too excessive and cheesy. After murdering the owners, owner’s friend, and one customer, he admitted to killing these people. Psychologists claim Nielsen suffers from schizoid personality disorder and Asperger’s Syndrome. He may not be competent to stand trial and his admission might not be admissible. Seems like that autism is causing all sorts of trouble these days. Whatever happened to the kind of autism that just made you sit in the corner and let everyone think you were the smelly kid?
Boston, Massachusetts - In what might be more screwed up than that time I stole a middle aged woman from a wheel bound ex-fire fighter, five kids are set to be charged with assaulting a kid with autism. The boy, whose name won’t be released, was beaten up by two girls and three boys. It’s ok auntie, tell us what happened:
They do know he tried to fight back, but there were five of them, so there’s no way he could have. They pushed him in a mailbox and he cut his hand and they have a picture of that. When I watched the tape I was devastated. I’m absolutely devastated that these kids could do this. They have video them pushing him in the woods and him being in there and them saying, ‘Kick him while he’s down,’ and ‘Do it again.
Leave it to the media to keep this story so one sided. Maybe the autistic kid was an asshole. Maybe he was a Yankee fan with a chip on his shoulder. We somewhat quoted the one of the kids who attacked the autistic boy, she said:
He had that shit coming. He would flash his dick to people during lunch and put his nuts on other people’s lunch trays. That isn’t autism, that’s just strange.
Now that sounds fair and balanced to me. If the autistic kid could shoot a basket, he probably would have had friends like this “special guy”:
Union, Missouri - Sometimes pedophiles can be mean and heartless, especially when they don’t call you back after forcing you to perform oral sex on them. But sometimes they are can be sweet and kind. Meet Michael Devlin! He used to be a pizza parlor manager before he kidnapped young teenagers and sexually abused them. But the story takes a sweet turn. After being discovered he was kidnapping these children, he decided to plead guilty to almost 80 counts of kidnapping. Loyd Bailie, uncle of one of the kids had this to say:
This is a great day. Just knowing that Ben is not going to have to relive all this through the court system — this is cloud nine.
Exactly. Nothing says complete happiness like not having to relive sexual abuse through a court system. Now Ben can go back to living his “normal” life. That bare minimum is something worth aspiring to. Devlin might be looking at a life sentence but he is “at peace” according to his lawyers. I didn’t know busting nuts all over teenage boys brought such tranquility.
Supposedly, they’re “cracking down” on immigration in Los Angeles:
In what federal authorities are calling the largest sweep of criminal and fugitive immigrants, federal agents over the past two weeks have arrested more than 1,300 Southland immigrants in their homes, in jails and at work, officials announced Wednesday.
As part of a stepped-up national crackdown on illegal immigrants, five teams of Immigration and Custom Enforcement agents raided homes in Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino and Ventura counties from Sept. 19 through Tuesday.
MY. ASS. They refer to this as a crackdown? The most laughable aspect of the immigration situation to date is when some politician who never leaves the confines of Georgetown for an actual diverse neighborhood exclaims “it’s impossible to find all these people!” Hogwash. “We need to make it easier for these people to come out of the shadows.” Bunk. In my hometown of approximately 30,000 people there are at least 100 illegal immigrants a day lined up in parking lots waiting for a pickup truck. They only go into “the shadows” to sleep or pee all over, and they’ve been known to do the latter on my parent’s lawn . By four o’clock every afternoon there are a few dozen Rico Suaves stumbling down the streets drunk or standing on corners hitting on women. By eight o’clock there are at least 80 Ricky Ricardos on their way to the bar, typically dressed like gay cowboys with shiny gold plated teeth, or they’re doing the dishes and busing the tables during rush hour at a nice restaurant. If they pulled over every 1989 Honda CRX with champagne spinners…you get my point?
If only all our border patrol agents were like Robert Michael Jack
“The kids! They called me Mr. Glass!! And then I decided to break windows.”
Scottsdale, Arizona - The owner of a glass company was recently arrested on charges of fraud involving breaking school bus windows and then repairing them for profit. Troy Volberg, 33, owner of Tri-State Glass (not the important Tri-State, it’s the one out west that no one cares about) and his army goons were arrested on fraud. Scottsdale Unified School District Superintendent Dr. John Baracy had this to say:
This was not only a crime against property, but a crime against our children and our community.
Thanks John for that cliche “think about the children” tripe. It’s those same rotten children that are probably keeping Volberg in business when he isn’t scumbagging it up around parking lots filled with buses. His gang of creeps consisted of murderers and thugs, but at least he wasn’t hiring kid touchers to double as window breakers. Although, he could have hired them at a discount price because they would have gotten stiffies from hanging around buses that carry children. A smart man knows these things.
Dinner Is ON! - I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.
“If only my South Pole jeans were there to save them in time.”
Des Moines, Iowa - Get out those wideleg jeans you’ve been keeping in the back of your closet, because they aren’t coming back into style and apparently someone found a better use for them than your hopes for a fashion faux pa repeat. Iowa State University students are collecting old jeans to help turn them into insulation for homes being rebuilt for victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. The old jeans you turn in becomes recycles into bales of insulation called Ultra Touch. Promote your deal Andrea Samber of Cotton Inc:
(Whether it’s) taking a pair of their old blue jeans or perhaps their mom’s old blue jeans or from their church or school, wherever it’s from, but that it’s able to be recycled. It resists mold and mildew. It resists noise. It has some really wonderful properties that are environmentally friendly.
If anything the victims of the hurricane don’t feel like making nice and being “environmentally friendly.” This is the same environment that took everything away from them. They probably want revenge, as best spoken by displaced victim, Kenneth “Duece Duece” Jones:
Dis hurricane messed mah shit up. And these cats wanna line mah new crib wit jeans? Hugo boss ain’t gonna protect me!! I say we lines deez houses with pandas and koalas. Teach mother nature a mothafuckin lesson.
Henry County, Georgia - Neighbor complaints led officers to find over two dozen cats and dogs, some of which were well past their prime (dead). The smell overpowered one officer so badly that he was taken to the hospital. Henry police Capt. Jason Bolton had this to say:
The floors are completely covered in trash or fecal matter, garbage dishes, you name it–it’s very difficult to even move around inside.
When you’re living with someone and a statement like, “hey, maybe we should pick up these dead cats or something,” comes up, it might be about to time to move or set the place on fire to collect insurance. And I thought I was a slob, hopefully my landlord (mom) will read this before she criticizes me about my cleanliness. And just because it’s necessary:
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet] Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight. Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good. Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent. Brian Fantana: Oh yeah. Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way. Brian Fantana: Yep. Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
[cheesy grin] Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense. Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]
