Topic: World

…lucky flower.

Los Angeles, California - Jenna Fischer aka Pam Beesly from “The Office” is finally single. After being married for six years to screenwriter James Gunn, they finally decided to call it quits. According to a statement sent to her publicist:

We have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other’s lives, spirits and careers is real — we have been each other’s cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.

That’s fantastic. With Fischer’s rising fame in movies like “Blades of Glory”, “Walk Hard”, and the “Brother’s Solomon” and Gunn being noted for writing “Scooby-Doo,” “Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed” and “Slither,” is it no surprise they got divorced. I wouldn’t want to bang anyone who wrote any of those movies, let alone sleep with them. Now I know Jenna Fischer reads this, so I’m going to break tradition and self-quote:

I know we both have busy schedules with you making movies/tv shows and me writing for a site, performing stand-up comedy, holding a job, and starting a radio show but I think we should get a drink sometime. You can reach me via email.

This will definitely work. Here are some lovely pics of the newly single Ms. Fischer:

Well what have we here? Why, it’s Britney sans clothing! Shocking. Evidently Hollywood’s favorite train wreck has been going to extreme lengths to keep her title as worst dressed human alive. Is she kidding with this outfit? Actually, when you’re missing half of it, I’m pretty sure it can’t really be considered an outfit. She managed to put on a shirt, AND tall slouchy boots, but pants, no. Sure…those are easy to forget…when you’re on drugs. Can anyone really be THIS bad at picking out clothing? Though in Britney’s case, she completely forgot to pick out clothes altogether. Maybe she figured it would be easier for her to go to the bathroom given that she doesn’t have to pull down anything. That sounds about right. First it was no shoes in the public bathroom, now no pants! She’s a genius! The only thing more shocking than this would be if there were some pictures of her taking care of her children.

Nick Bollea, better known as Nick Hogan, son of the famous ex-wrestler Hulk Hogan and star of the VH1 reality series “Hogan Knows Best,” was released from the hospital on Monday after being involved in a serious car crash with a friend. Apparently the 17-year-old Nick and his 22-year-old friend, John Graziano, were racing in Nick’s yellow Toyota Supra when the rear tires jumped a divider, causing the vehicle to spin furiously into a palm tree. Somehow Nick received only minor injuries, while his friend is still listed in critical condition at Bayfront Medical Center in St. Petersburg, Fla. Nick’s mother, Linda Hogan, said in a statement:

Nick is currently at the hospital with John and his family…his sole concern is for the well-being of his friend. On behalf of my family, we ask that your thoughts and prayers be with John and his loved ones.

While there is no doubt that Nick and his family feel bad about John, no one is paying attention to the real problem. Unbeknownst to some, Nick has had already three traffic warnings for speeding, and he’s only had his license for one year. Notice that these were warnings and not tickets. Evidently when you star in a mediocre reality show on VH1, aka your mom’s MTV, you become special to certain losers people. Nick was pulled over for doing 115 mph in a 70 mph zone, 57 mph in a 30 mph zone, and 106 mph in a 70 mph zone. The best part is, all the cops told him that they knew who he was, and they let him go. Good job. Now some kid is clinging to his life because the cops didn’t do their job and Nick didn’t learn his lesson. If I were the Hulk, I’d take one of my many wrestling championship belts and give Nick an old fashioned beating. Yea brother!

“Dude got some crooked ass chompers.”

Los Angeles, California - Reporting that Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide isn’t timely, but the people who have been talking about his problems as of late merit discussion. For example, Bernie Brillstein, a veteran Hollywood manager who worked with John Belushi and Chris Farley had this to say:

He’s loved. It’s serious, but it’s a singular case. Anyone can have a bad day, a very bad day.

Brillstein should manage Wilson to help put that final nail in the coffin. It would only make him three for three and we all know how the power of three brings in good things. Another jackass who had to give his opinion is none other than veteran turd, Tom Arnold. Tom said:

Most people are confused by this, but as a recovering addict myself it gives me hope that this is his bottom and he can turn it around. He really is a good guy.

Tom! You and I both know you don’t have friends in Hollywood or anywhere. Hopefully Wilson gets the treatment he needs, acting school.

oh, snap.

Justice marches on:

RICHMOND, Va. - More than 50 pit bulls seized from Michael Vick’s property face a Thursday deadline to be claimed. If no one comes forward, they could be euthanized.

Federal prosecutors filed court documents last month to condemn 53 pit bulls seized in April as part of the investigation into dogfighting on the Vick’s property. No one has claimed any of the dogs, which are being held at several unspecified shelters in eastern Virginia, the U.S. Attorney’s office said Wednesday.

If the state were in any way run by innovative people they might suggest selling these dogs on eBay or placing them in no-kill shelters. Unfortunately, it’s not. Meanwhile, David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox is selling his Mercedes on eBay for something like 450,000 dollars. If they let me have dogs at my apartment, I’d place the first bid. Hell, there aren’t any PETA lunatics out there?  I don’t have a moment of guilt when I ponder the intellect and disposition of what became my pulled pork sandwich, but isn’t the goal of this thing to punish Vick AND save the animals.

Save Michael Vick’s dogs.

This just in from the Cry for Help Department: Britney Spears and Criss Angel are jumping in the sack together. Or in this case, possibly levitating into the sack. Either way, the two were seen heading into the Towers Hotel in Beverly Hills around 4 AM, and heading up to a suite on the 11th floor all the while holding hands. Ew. This can’t be a publicity stunt for Criss can it? The man lets a steam roller roll over him and he walks out without a scrape. Though maybe banging Britney Spears is more dangerous.

Criss has been spotted around with a few of Hollywood’s leading ladies recently, like Cameron Diaz and Paris Hilton. Maybe he’s auditioning them for a duet act? Yes! All the other women just weren’t crazy enough! Enter Brit-Brit. They can go on a tour together where he will make her herpes disappear, and then she will perform the act of “The Vanishing Cheetos.” Who’s excited?!

“Lucky bastard…”

In Your Pants - After having three kids, Heidi Klum recently did a spread for Jordache jeans. The German native is still hot and kicking it. She had this to say about her life with three kids and being married:

I have three children…That keeps you busy all the time. I work and we do a lot of things that are active. We work in the garden. We jump on the trampoline. I just started playing tennis with my husband. We climb in the tree house with the children. We go to the park and feed the ducks. We are always mobile.

Her husband, Seal, might as well stay mobile because I haven’t heard a single from him in years. As to what Klum sees in him is beyond my guess. I’m thinking its the impressive tool he carries with him everywhere he goes, and I’m not talking about his voice.

Here are some shots of Klum, go nuts:

Source: here

 Update: Expect more updates and Daily Humor Headlines - I’m done with classes.

The stars are speaking out on the whole LiLo issue, and they are not happy. And when I say stars, I mean absolute nobody. Jessica Smith, alum of Laguna Beach, one of MTV’s more popular reality series, spoke her opinion to 24Sizzler:

I think she deserves whatever punishment she gets…If she gets off just because she’s Lindsay Lohan, that’s ridiculous. If someone slaps her on the wrist, and is like, ‘oh, you bad girl,’ she won’t learn her lesson. I think [Lohan] needs real help, not Promises-type of help with massages and everything…she needs to go to a real place to address her problem.

Wow. This chick is dead on. If only Lindsay had people like Jessica around all the time to tell her this! Oh wait, she does. Except, instead of listening, she snorts lines off of them and runs them over with her car. And lastly, while Jessica made some good points, the question on everyone’s mind is, who the hell are you?

Aw hell: yeah!

“Drew on his campaign to get the ‘Price is Right’ gig”

America’s favorite guilty-pleasure game show, “The Price is Right,” has announced it’s new host. With sad eyes, we watch Bob Barker pack up his teeth and Viagra, and we say hello to…wait for it…Drew Carey. Expecting someone more exciting? Well get over that and accept the truth. Let’s be honest, Drew Carey is funny and all, but he’s no Bob Barker. That kind of charisma and fake tan cannot be duplicated by eating pork rinds and chugging beer. That’s the kind of entertainment you can watch in a bar in Kentucky. It seems we are not the only ones who are nervous, as he tells the Associated Press:

“I realize what a big responsibility this is.”

Oh Drew, how you lie. You can’t handle the Grocery Game and Plinko! When the contestant drops down the Plinko chip, he’ll think it’s a giant Ding-Dong and try to eat it. Then when someone tries to wrestle him away from it, he’ll growl and start foaming at the mouth. Now who needs to be spayed or neutered, Drew?!

Holla..

California - I hate to cover this kind of junk but the fact is the great majority of the American public is more interested in the sexual and social misconduct 0f megaslores, so here goes:

Lindsay Lohan was popped for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. Sources say her blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13, well over the .08 legal limit.

Call me crazy, but I think this is the beginning of the end. This year Lindsay made one movie and blew a .12. Next year she’ll make regular appearances on the Surreal Life where the only thing she’ll be blowing is Coolio.

Gargle on this link