July 24th, 2007
“Damn it Drew, put on your game face!”
Los Angeles, California - Drew Carey’s grin has reached shit eating proportion as it was recently announced that he would be the new host of “The Price is Right.” As Bob Barker stepped down last May, CBS was scrambling to find a new host. For those of you who are stuck with your general 9-5 work schedule, you may not have noticed Bob Barker’s performance had been slipping over the years. During one episode they had a high-school biology class skeleton fill in and it tested higher in the ratings. While many thought Rosie O’Donnel would get the job because of her backing by Bob Barker and lesbian have rights bitchery, it was Carey who swooped in for the kill. Regardless of who would have been chosen, you would still have an overweight comic host. It’s a shame Louie Anderson wasn’t in the running. Speak to us Carey:
I love the idea of giving away prizes for a living, that’s a pretty good gig to have. And it’s a real honor to be asked to do ‘The Price is Right.
This might just work out for Carey. The best part being that Carey is single and he can harass the ladies like Barker did but without being too decrepit and gross.
Run it Fat: man!
July 23rd, 2007
NBC is trying their God damnedest to keep Jay Leno around once he leaves the Tonight Show:
Three years ago, NBC announced with pride that Conan O’Brien would take over “The Tonight Show” in 2009. But now that the date is fast approaching, the web is beginning to panic: How do we anoint O’Brien but still keep Leno in the Peacock’s nest?Aside from turning around NBC’s primetime, the biggest challenge facing new co-chairmen Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff is how to keep Leno away from Fox or ABC.
“We want him to stay at NBC for life,” Silverman told journalists at the Television Critics Association press tour. “And Marc and I are aggressively trying to come up with ideas that would make Jay happy.
Analogy time… “NBC aggressively pursuing retaining Jay Leno is to quality programming what aggressively pursuing unprotected sex with toothless Thai hookers is to your sexual health and happiness.” If I were a network exec at NBC, I’d devise a show where Leno and Letterman talk out their differences while tied to a large chunk of plywood and drifting down the Amazon…covered in bees.
boom shaka laka
July 17th, 2007
Idolville - Say it isn’t so! The former American Idol alum has admitted to eating a marijuana cookie while vacationing in Amsterdam. She told USA Weekend magazine:
I have eaten a marijuana cookie. It was in Amsterdam. It is legal there, and it is not legal in America. I don’t ever do anything illegal at home. Since then I have been oregano-free! I have never smoked anything in my life. I’ve never tried any drugs. I wouldn’t do anything that would cause holes in your brain or your nasal cavity. Call me Texan, but I don’t think of marijuana like that.
It seems like Kelly has adopted the Paris Hilton mentality in which marijuana isn’t a drug. Evidently being from Texas means you can be completely dense and just blame it on the state. Someone should teach Kelly that weed is weed. And cookies are cookies. And cats are cats. You get the idea.
Yeah, look it: up!
July 16th, 2007
“A statement about having to make up for the baby boomer’s sucking up social security or just bling?”
NYC - Rapper Remy Ma has been recently arrested and charged with attempted murder, assault and weapons possession. That sounds about right for a rapper looking to make it in the business. This all comes as Remy Ma (real name Remy Smith) turned herself in after a woman was shot in a trendy Manhattan neighborhood on Saturday night. The victim, Makeda Barnes-Joseph, 23, is reported to be in stable condition. Remy Ma’s lawyer, had this to say:
I ask everyone to keep an open mind. Things are not always as they seem.
Because sometimes people shoot themselves in the stomach for fun. It couldn’t be because rappers who are involved with guns and shootings get more street credit.
My street cred is: platinum.
July 13th, 2007
“Don’t smile too hard, you’re making me look bad.”
Los Angeles, CA - The wait is over ladies and gentlemen, they have arrived. Victoria “Posh” and David Beckham have officially landed in LAX airport in Los Angeles yesterday. In other words, it was field day for the paparazzi. Though according to Posh, she doesn’t understand why people are so obsessed with her and her husband. She told The Today Show:
“Not as many people know who we are here…it might be a bit crazy when we first get here, because we’re new, but then I think people will probably realize, you know what, I’m actually quite boring.”
Let’s applaud Posh for being so humble, so stupid, and so grammatically incorrect at the same time. WE don’t know who they are? Is she serious? She gets photographed more than a trashy prostitute standing in Disneyworld. Now David might be slightly boring, but there is NOTHING boring about Posh. She’s like a robot. Or an overcooked chicken. Either way, a giant overcooked chicken in the body of a Fem-bot sounds like something Americans and Brits alike can enjoy. So thanks London, for giving us our very own Transformer!
info from: E!
July 10th, 2007
“Food? or Product?”
In these times of economic crises, all celebrities try to convince us that they are doing their part in saving the planet. They are NOT hypocrites and they are NOT frivolous. Oh by the way, this statement does not apply to Catherine Zeta Jones. Evidently she has caviar flown in from Iran, not to eat, but to wash her hair with. The Daily Mail reports:
The Beluga caviar is apparently flown in from Iran five days ahead of her treatments at a beauty salon in South Kensington. “Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair,” said a source. “She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy.” Miss Zeta-Jones’s hair is washed with a truffle-based shampoo, then smeared with the caviar, which is combed through and left to set.
Yes, apparently there is something in caviar (fish eggs?) that makes her hair absolutely pungent breathtaking. Then after this non-extravagant hair treatment, she slathers her face with liquid gold and exfoliates her ass with diamonds.
Talk about: treatment.
July 10th, 2007
Nothing helps the environment like a massive rock concert held by the private jet set that thousands of people who can’t afford carbon credits drive in their gas guzzling cars to see:
THE global Live Earth pop extravaganza fell flat for television viewers in the United States and Britain, drawing far smaller audiences than the Princess Diana tribute concert a week earlier.
The main three-hour American TV broadcast on NBC averaged a meagre 2.7 million viewers, ranking as the least-watched US program on Saturday night, and falling below NBC’s summer prime-time Saturday average, Nielsen Media Research reported on Monday.
Even the rival ABC’s rerun of the animated Monsters Inc had a bigger audience — 3.3 million.
This is shocking, in a “not at all” kinda way. Who in God’s name wants to be told by a bunch of vapid celebs who fly around in private jets that they’re destroying the planet by using too much toilet paper and falling asleep with the tv on(watching…vapid celebs)? I’d rather call all my friends and tell them to catch my ten minute spot on the 3am dong lengthening infomercials.
Just kidding…but not really
July 9th, 2007
Transformers was BIG at the box office:
Paramount says PG-13 Transformers officially made $22.7 million Friday and $25.9 million Saturday and a projected $18.9 million Sunday from 4,011 North American theaters…the DreamWorks battle of the bots hauled in a hefty $67.6 million this weekend for a 6 1/2 day cume of $152.5 million.
This isn’t any news to me, or anyone of my generation who saw this movie. The fact is, Hasbro brainwashed us as youth and like Jonestown denizens to Kool-Aid we flocked to the overpriced theatres. I saw this movie twice, and I’d see it a third time. Why? Because summer movies are about explosions, hot chicks, and alien robots, and Transformers had all three. There were even gratuitous hot chicks thrown into battle scenes that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Hell, my overwhelming sense of nostalgia even allowed me to toss aside the fact that they changed Megatron from a self propelled gun with a phallic helmet into a fighter jet with a Jack-o-Lantern face. Why? Because Transformers takes you back to a time before you had to pay bills, manage hangovers, and shave your back.
I still have the toys in my basement. Line up ladies…
July 2nd, 2007
“Jay-Z! Cover me!”
The last thing anyone wants to think about during summer is rain. Bring on the hazy, hot and humid days! Yet, with Rihanna’s “Umbrella” topping the Billboard Hot 100 for a third week in a row, the song is being named the song of the summer by many media outlets. New York Newsday has declared it is:
standing under Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella.’
Admit it, the song is catchy, the video is hot and is inspiring women to put on their sexiest outfits and make it a girl’s night out at the club. It’s one of those songs that you just can’t help but go, “Ohhhh yea, that’s my song!” when it comes on. Girls, you know what I am talking about.
This is not the first time that the Barbados born singer claimed the song of the summer. If you think back to summer ’05 you will remember that Rihanna’s debut single, “Pon de Replay” was replaying everywhere. MTV was playing it at least twice an hour, which is not unusual since MTV is the king of repeats and reruns. The song also got massive radio play. Like “Umbrella,” “Pon de Replay,” which means “play it again” in Spanish, (which was clearly played again… and again) peaked at number one on the Billboard Dance Radio airplay and Hot Digital songs. It also hit the number two slot on the Pop 100 and Billboard Hot 100 charts.
One thing that “Pon de Replay” didn’t have was Jay-Z. HOVA raps the opening of “Umbrella” and makes countless references to precipitation. Rihanna ends the song with the lyrics, “It’s raining, Oh baby it’s raining.”
I’ll stand under Rihanna’s Umbrella with Newsday, the rain makes my hair frizz.
July 1st, 2007
Foxy Brown - Gets a Beat Down!
“Foxy Brown - now weave free!”
At the the corner of Crescent and Stanley Avenue is where rapper Foxy Brown broke up with former boyfriend Timothy Collier after he confessed to her that he is a pimp of “just a few prostitutes” in all five boroughs. Collier was furious with the performer’s reaction claiming that she was next to be his number one ho. He had already pre-planned “dating” sessions for her in Jersey City. The couple sat in Collier’s grafitti painted volkswagon van until Collier stormed out saying that had to go get some money from a friend. He told Brown to wait for him until he returned. Unbeknowest to Brown moments later, three prositiutes wearing leather bikinis came bursting out of a nearby apartment. The women yanked Brown out of the vehicle beating her up and robbing her of $500.00 in cash. The hookers ripped out the rapper’s hair extensions out and placed them in their own hair. Prosecutors are saying that Brown has approximately six months to press charges.
Lindsay Lohan - Ski Bunny Crashes!
“Cocaine wishes and vodka red bull dreams.”
America’s Sweetheart Lindsay Lohan was drunk as a skank when she crashed her Mercedes convertible in May of 2007. The twenty-year old exibitionist had over the legal amount of alcohol in her blood. Toxicolgy test have now revealed cocaine usage was also found in her system. Lohan was arrested when police found a cocaine like substance in the car. Lohan’s toxiclogy results somehow got mysteriously posted on a website known as tmz.com. Upon the youngsters arrest, she reportedly screamed at officers about trying to fulfill her dreams of destroying her life, body, and career like most former child stars. She reluctantly checked into another 48,000 an month rehabilitation center. Lohan is to turn twenty-one on July 2nd. During one of Lohan’s rehab meetings she made a quip about finally being able to to drink legally without the hassles of having to moon bar keeps just for a single brandy alexander. Lohan’s lawyer, Blair Berk, was infuriated by the whole matter. “This investigation is ongoing!” She said. “The story is absolute nonsense! Everyone knows Lindsay is completely innocent!
