“Just add water and watch drown.”

Milwaukee, Wisconsin - A half ton fat man was caught in the narrow end of the St. Croix River on Tuesday. It took dozens of regular sized men to pull him safely to shore. Almost like a whale out of water, but reversed. Martin Rike, 39, was treated to chest pains and symptoms of a heart attack. Rike was told by his doctor to take up more “fun” activities. “Fun” being defined as something more active than eating a 6ft sandwich in one sitting.

Rike chose tubing, which involves floating down a river in a rubber tire like device. That is about as active as Rike’s job, being a truck driver. According to the Washington Post:

As many as 50 rescuers on the ground responded, with the first reaching Rike about 9 p.m. Crews tried to get to Rike with boats and canoes, but the watercraft ran aground in shallow water. Rescuers tried loading him into an aluminum boat, hoping to carry him over the rocky ground. But he was so heavy that they could move the makeshift stretcher only several feet downstream per hoist. Finally, rescuers created a floating platform by lashing three canoes together and placing four boards across them.

This might be the time to put the ding dongs down. Rike had this to say:

Without those people, I would still be out there.

Without those devil dogs, you wouldn’t be out there to begin with. Despite Rike’s size, his mom had this to say, that he is:

really pretty healthy.

Somehow I don’t see Rike as a pillar of health. It is pretty obvious this guy could eat Jarod (when he was fat) under the table. He might want to try healthier “fun” activities like walking instead of tubing or trying to fuck an empty box of cookies with Sara Lee on the cover.

One ticket to hell: please?