Fact: On a scale of 1-10, the women I interviewed felt talking dirty was a 7 in terms of importance during sex.

Plenty is said outside the bedroom, but what about inside? Recently I sat down with a few ladies to find out about the importance of talking dirty in the bedroom. From the words they never want to hear to the words they want you to scream! So get out your pen and pad, it’s time to start making a list.

What are the characteristics of a good dirty talker?

Men may be more familiar with pep talking each other during a gym session or on the field, but the same rules don’t apply to the bedroom. A few “you can do its” is not going to cut it. Dana (Fashion Student, 23) hates the excess, “No elaborate sentences. You know? Don’t draw it out and don’t make plot lines. Don’t make it too dirty. Nothing ruins a moment like having a guy shout out “you whore!” in the middle of it.” Amy is a 29 year old grad student who likes a guy with a bit of a dirty mouth. “Good: You’re going to be begging for more after I give you what I’ve got, you slut. Bad: I don’t care if you like it or not, you’re taking what I give you, dumb bitch.” Chelsea is a 23 year old bartender and model who wants a combination of things. “I guess someone who just uses the right words, enough flattery, and a little bit of edge.” At the end of the day, all you need is the right amount of feel and the right raunchy vocabulary. Where to start? Unfortunately, since most men are educated through porn, here are the words you might want to cross off your talking dirty sex list.

Words they DON’T want to hear!

Each woman is pretty uniform when it comes to the creepy words they don’t want to hear. “Textbook words.” Sara (Bartender, 22) doesn’t want to hear “Textbook” words. “He shouldn’t use words like ‘penis,’ ‘intercourse,’ or ‘make love.’” There’s a general consensus here. The word “vagina” was also a no. As Dana put it, “anyone who uses vagina should be kicked.” And the famous “C” word? Mal (Student, 19) put it simply, “the C word? Don’t wanna hear that.”

GET A WOMAN OFF IN SECONDS!!!

If you skipped the last part, you might be surprised to see a few words you usually use. And plus that paragraph couldn’t be any shorter, asshole.

Word they WANT to hear!

Just like words women don’t want to hear, there is a consensus in terms of words women do enjoy hearing. Alex (Administrative Assistant, 21) has her favorite words listed out, “I like to hear caress, cock, fuck, lick, and tight.” Other favored words were “wet and hot.” Use accordingly. Now that you’re armed with the appropriate vocabulary, let’s move on to the question portion. What do women think of question asking? Most of the women I interviewed didn’t weigh asking questions too favorably. Dana found it “too juvenile”, Amy found it to be a mood killer, “It’s kind of boring. That’s like normal talking. Dirty talk involves dirty language.” In terms of what is the most important part of talking dirty, all of the women I interviewed were unanimous. Flattery. Each girl has her own reasoning, like Alex, “Flattery is great. I’m such an egomaniac and I love to know that I’m doing a job well done.” But in the end, it may just be about making the girl feel comfortable, as Chelsea puts it, “Flattery is good for girls because most women are very insecure when they are naked.”

Talking with facial expressions and sounds, how important are they?

Most guys may think facial expressions are stupid, but women want to know what you are thinking and if you’re not going to say it verbally, you might as well express it facially (not that kind of facial). Of course most men are horrified and ashamed of having the “Stifler-face” (from American pie), but it’s better than nothing. As Chelsea put is, “A poker face is hard to read. Like am I doing anything here?” Of course you have to pay attention to your woman because if she isn’t looking you in the face, she may not care for the expression. And as always, too much is just too much (sorry Stifler) As Dana put it, “I try not to look at the face because it’s not sexy on guys, sorry.” Some girls like to put facial expressions and sounds together, like Mal, “facial expressions should compliment the moaning.” Moaning can be defined as grunts, loud one word responses, or screams. If you find the urge to scream, don’t. Women find screaming as appealing as a one minute man. Grunts should be kept lower than a woman’s noises. And as much as you want to scream “Victory!,” it’s probably best until you’re both comfortable with each other. So now that you have your dirty little pocket thesaurus ready, go forth, because practice makes perfect!

Horror Sex Stories! See how other guys failed with these ladies!!

“One guy asked me to put a finger up his ass. I left.” – Chelsea.

“The guy was louder than me, maybe 3 inches hard, and he made these nasty monster faces in bed. I was scared, turned off, and just disgusted.” – Mal.

“One of my ex’s tried his hand at talking dirty for the first time (and the last time). He was really fucking me hard and I was screaming like crazy and then he just screamed out “yea bitch, take it all, take my giant snake” and I just looked up at him and dyed laughing.” – Alex

“Once my boyfriend said, “take that take that” during finishing.” – Dana