It appears Froz Fruit ain’t just a popsicle:

A brutally cold surge of arctic air into the eastern half of the United States will easily bring record-low temperatures on Easter morning and could cause significant losses in some of the nation’s most prolific agricultural areas. High pressure building toward the Southeast will bring calm winds and clear skies, which combined with the very cold air mass in place, will allow temperatures in many cities to challenge the coldest lows ever reached during the month of April. The cold will severely tax peach orchards across Georgia, and strawberry orchards throughout the Southeast. Bitter cold will also be felt throughout the wheat-growing areas of the Midwest and central Plains.

It’s obvious the citizens in these shoddy Midwestern regions are far too consumed making moonshine, tippin cows, and sexin up their cousins to get up with modern times. It’s supposed to be an arid, uninhabitable desert, or maybe it’s that the lakes will flood over and they’ll have to become shrimpin boat captains, but the shrimp will be large, unfriendly, and impervious to  all the shrimpnet technology modern man has to offer. I don’t know much about this global warming stuff aside from what Al Gore told me. My only explanation here is that the midwest is so backwards that it’s still stuck in the era where we were supposed to fear global cooling. If that’s the case, wouldn’t moving to Wisconsin be a whole lot easier than driving around in sci-fi golf carts that run on corn and smell like farts? I figure we can by ourselves 20 years by taking our ecologically irresponsible selves to God’s Country.

I guess NASCARS be eco friendly