According to recent studies, the number of American elderly shitting themselves and eating out of the garbage…err…I mean with Alzheimer’s Disease… has increased to over five million this year, up 10 percent from last year. So sayeth the AP:

Age is the biggest risk factor, and the report to be released Tuesday shows the nation is on track for skyrocketing Alzheimer’s once the baby boomers start turning 65 in 2011. Already, one in eight people 65 and older have the mind-destroying illness, and nearly one in two people over 85.

Unless scientists discover a way to delay Alzheimer’s brain attack, some 7.7 million people are expected to have the disease by 2030, the report says. By 2050, that toll could reach 16 million.

Eesh. Why the increase you say?

Ironically, in fighting heart disease, cancer and other diseases, “we’re keeping people alive so they can live long enough to get Alzheimer’s disease,” explains association vice president Steve McConnell.

I’m going to embrace Alzheimer’s. What would little neighborhood kids do for fun if not for the old man in tighty whities wandering the streets at 3 o’clock in the afternoon looking for “Skippy,” his childhood terrier, and drooling profusely. Talk about building lasting childhood friendships. It’s actually not a stretch for me to say that I’m a wee bit excited about Alzheimer’s. I figure it’s going to be a reprieve from all those annoying family members telling me what to do and asking me for shit. Every day will be like a party, where I meet all these interesting new folks, and then maybe I poop my pants and everyone goes home. No more stragglers.

Wait…where the fuck am I?