October 4th, 2007
“As in they just found a boat load of dismembered bodies! Yeah I gave away the opening!”
Moscow, Russia - Just when they thought it was safe to rebuild that 19th century Moscow house, officials found the remains of about three dozen bodies . Police officials are opening up an investigation to find the identities of the bodies. The house used to belong to a famous czarist-era family, the Sheremyetevs. On top of that, the estate was located near a former KGB headquarter. This investigation will probably be closed before I’m done writing this post on account of that old catchy saying:
What happens in czarist-era in Russia, stays in czarist-era Russia.
They also made a commercial about it. Remember? This woman asks her husband what he wants to eat for breakfast and he screams “Get in line!” in russian. Then she gives him this “oh honey” look with her hands to her side and her head tilted. Meanwhile the camera cuts to him hallucinating where he is shooting like thirty odd some people. The screen goes black and it just says “Czarist-Era Russia!” with little lights around it and the song “viva la russia” playing in the background.
flip that tinactin!
October 3rd, 2007
“Safe to the Taint.”
Dinner Is ON! - I have recently been hired by the North American Cattle Association to write and direct a series of short films and commercials that downplay the American public’s fear of tainted beef. Some will air during the World Series while others will be projected onto big screens at chili cook-offs.
One spot deals with just how safe beef actually is when compared to other meat products, like pork. Why if you sprinkled something as innocuous as Bacon-Bits® on a picnic lunch in, say… Istanbul, you can count on being beaten to death. Bring beef, on the other hand, and you just might walk way with a new bride.
And don’t think this is a religious issue. Give your wife a bucket of chicken as an anniversary gift and see what happens. Beef is safe. Of the 9.8 million head of cattle here in the U.S., none have ever been linked to a man being skinned alive. If anything its the other way around.
Oh by the way, those little bits of bacon? Less than .05% pork. Just goes to show what a slice of swine can do to God-fearing people. Ever hear of dudes pounding on each other over beef jerky? I didn’t think so.
October 3rd, 2007
“If only my South Pole jeans were there to save them in time.”
Des Moines, Iowa - Get out those wideleg jeans you’ve been keeping in the back of your closet, because they aren’t coming back into style and apparently someone found a better use for them than your hopes for a fashion faux pa repeat. Iowa State University students are collecting old jeans to help turn them into insulation for homes being rebuilt for victims of hurricane Katrina and Rita. The old jeans you turn in becomes recycles into bales of insulation called Ultra Touch. Promote your deal Andrea Samber of Cotton Inc:
(Whether it’s) taking a pair of their old blue jeans or perhaps their mom’s old blue jeans or from their church or school, wherever it’s from, but that it’s able to be recycled. It resists mold and mildew. It resists noise. It has some really wonderful properties that are environmentally friendly.
If anything the victims of the hurricane don’t feel like making nice and being “environmentally friendly.” This is the same environment that took everything away from them. They probably want revenge, as best spoken by displaced victim, Kenneth “Duece Duece” Jones:
Dis hurricane messed mah shit up. And these cats wanna line mah new crib wit jeans? Hugo boss ain’t gonna protect me!! I say we lines deez houses with pandas and koalas. Teach mother nature a mothafuckin lesson.
Sounds… agreeable?
I get my jeans: here
October 3rd, 2007
“Think it’ll fit? Let’s give it a try.”
Henry County, Georgia - Neighbor complaints led officers to find over two dozen cats and dogs, some of which were well past their prime (dead). The smell overpowered one officer so badly that he was taken to the hospital. Henry police Capt. Jason Bolton had this to say:
The floors are completely covered in trash or fecal matter, garbage dishes, you name it–it’s very difficult to even move around inside.
When you’re living with someone and a statement like, “hey, maybe we should pick up these dead cats or something,” comes up, it might be about to time to move or set the place on fire to collect insurance. And I thought I was a slob, hopefully my landlord (mom) will read this before she criticizes me about my cleanliness. And just because it’s necessary:
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I’ll give this little cookie an hour before we’re doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard’s Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.
Ron Burgundy: It’s quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It’s a formidable scent… It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I’m gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy: That doesn’t make sense.
Brian Fantana: Well… Let’s go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]
It smells: here
October 2nd, 2007
It appears as if Hillary Clinton, large thighed mega-dyke from Hell, has a lockdown on Democratic fundraising this quarter:
Sen. Hillary Clinton raised $27 million in the third quarter for her 2008 Democratic bid for the White House, a Clinton aide said Tuesday.
All but $5 million of Clinton’s funds can be spent trying to win the Democratic presidential nomination in the primaries, the aide said.
More than 100,000 new donors contributed to the New York Democrat, the aide said.
Clinton outpaced Sen. Barack Obama over the last three months, a reversal of positions from the second quarter.
This isn’t terribly shocking. Hypothetical question…you’re in an alley, and each of the following demands your wallet:
1. A stocky, belligerent super dyke with a contingent of Secret Service Agents and a big wet magic finger in the air that can magically calculate policy.
2. A skinny lawyer with a bad accent and 400 dollar Supercut.
3. A taller, skinnier Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
4. A three foot tall, vegan/pacifist Smiegel from Lord of the Rings
Who do you give it to? EXACTLY. It’s fairly simple dynamic that plays itself out in every election. the last Democratic primary saw the Tasmanian Devil outearn Lurch from the Addams family, until something went terribly wrong.
Match the candidate with the creature
October 2nd, 2007
“Looks like someone wants to shake more than hands.”
Seoul, South Korea - Unsure whether this would happen again, the international community shed a tear and let out a giant “aww” when they found out that North Korea and South Korea would be coming together again. More memorable than when Laura finally decided she loves Steve Urkel, the second summit between North and South holds great promise to someday bring the country together.
This line is a wall that has divided the nation for a half-century. Our people have suffered from too many hardships and development has been held up due to this wall. This line will be gradually erased and the wall will fall.
Relationships can be quite the storm at sea. Perhaps it will only be a few years till North and South are together again. Of course those years might be strangely equivalent to how long Kim Jong Il lives but at least strides are being made. There were some protests against the meeting, such as one man setting himself on fire to protest North’s human rights violations but that protest was smelly and lasted no longer than 10 minutes (or however long it takes for people to shut up while on fire.) Something tells me these kooky kids just might make it after all!
a-e-goo
