“Ahhh sweet meat.”

Union, Missouri - Sometimes pedophiles can be mean and heartless, especially when they don’t call you back after forcing you to perform oral sex on them. But sometimes they are can be sweet and kind. Meet Michael Devlin! He used to be a pizza parlor manager before he kidnapped young teenagers and sexually abused them. But the story takes a sweet turn. After being discovered he was kidnapping these children, he decided to plead guilty to almost 80 counts of kidnapping. Loyd Bailie, uncle of one of the kids had this to say:

This is a great day. Just knowing that Ben is not going to have to relive all this through the court system — this is cloud nine.

Exactly. Nothing says complete happiness like not having to relive sexual abuse through a court system. Now Ben can go back to living his “normal” life. That bare minimum is something worth aspiring to. Devlin might be looking at a life sentence but he is “at peace” according to his lawyers. I didn’t know busting nuts all over teenage boys brought such tranquility.

I’ll take my war with extra sugar!