“Talent is given to you to reap and sow, not to rape and pillage.”

Artists are assholes. Now this doesn’t apply to all artists (such as comedians, actors, and singers).  They are assholes too, but assholes of a different breed. The assholes mentioned here are those who paint, photograph, sculpt, etc. The following are four different groups to which you can classify most artists. They are the:

• The Dabbler
• The Prick
• The Sufferer
• The Failure

The Dabbler - This person does art on the side. They will often be heard saying:

“My job is (insert high paying profession) but my passion is (insert wasted time on certain project).”

They will often keep some of their “artwork” in their office for the off chance someone should pass a glance, thus giving the Dabbler any excuse to push their shitty work to a patient or client. This is all to add some point to their lives. The Dabbler couldn’t take a chance in his/her youth so he/she decided to play it safe. Would the Dabbler leave his/her job for their passion? Nope. Some how admitting their passion is stability and money is too much of a secure/realistic idea to admit. Instead, they choose to use something obscure as art to fill the meaningless void that is their life. The Dabbler might be someone you know. Your doctor, lawyer, or accountant. If you see their crappy work nailed to a wall in their office, don’t give it a second look or comment. They could smell your eyes staring at their stupid picture of an old wheel barrow and they would like nothing more than to chat you up about it.

The Sufferer - These so called artists feel the world owes them a great apology for the work they do and the work artists have done throughout eternity. As if genocide was collectively being committed against all artists and the Sufferer had a grandfather who widdled but was killed by the raging hands of art Nazis. The Sufferer toils day and night in their mind to dream up the right piece of artwork, all the while being a general drag on society or taking forever to fill out orders of coffee as a barista. Their life is misery, so their company should be just as miserable. Some develop a drug habit to help them get “inspired.” Of course, while most may call the Sufferer’s drug problem  something absurd like “a drug , The Sufferer would never expect us to “understand.” Their marginally shitty art may never get picked up and the Sufferer may be forced to face the grim reality that is life. However, should someone pay an ounce of attention and inquire what moved the Sufferer, The Sufferer would respond in a  retarded manner that results in no one wanting to pay any more wasted attention. This would further the Sufferer’s considerable contempt  for society, leaving the Sufferer to face two options:

A: Killing themselves

B: Getting a job as a janitor in a museum where they reflect on days of old while cleaning excess urine left from a school trip. (Don’t forget the urinal cakes asshole.)

The Failure - Not much can be said about the Failure that already isn’t implied in the name. They gave art a chance and well.. it failed. So instead of getting a lucrative job, they decided to hang around the art scene with actual artists. They live vicariously through an artist to reap that pleasure they could never sow. When they aren’t busy sucking off other artists, they might even open a gallery so they could run the business side of art. This may bring them some success, if they could convince other delusional people that their friend’s artwork consists of something deeper than self-righteousness. This may also bring them failure which would intern to the cold hard reality that they suck at life, and should stop regurgitating everything their overpriced liberal arts education taught them.

The Prick - This has got to be the worst artist of them all. The Prick embodies most qualities of the other three. They worked hard enough to take a chance. They still feel as if the world owes them a collective apology. They have smelled failure but somehow managed to avoid all those other personas to become the Prick. The have been praised by the Dabbler and the Sufferer. The Failure pimps the Prick’s work and it manages to sell. The Prick thinks he/she is on top of the world. The Prick only hangs out in places where he/she will be recognized. The Prick will play off that his/her life has been hard but he/she was raised middle class at least. This a ploy to create sympathy. The Prick may sometimes pretend he/she is not better than anyone but internally feels they are destined for fame. Fortunately the great thing about art is, you’re only famous when you’re dead. Enjoy!